socially anxious guys trying to meet women

[J]

Horatio: I've had girls approach me *because* I was shy, so... don't believe everything you read in so-called self-help books (most of which are useless, many of which are wrong and harmful!).

Rossettismuse: Sorry mate, but your post is, as you put it, 'rubbish'! I think most guys here would be amazed at how many women are *not* being constantly propositioned by men. As far as being 'too picky', there's the issue of the quality of men doing all the alleged propositioning... there are some seriously creepy outgoing/confident always-on-the-prowl men out there, and if I were a girl I sure wouldn't date most of them-- as sure as you probably wouldn't date just anyone who asked you out. Even if a person feels desperate, they always have standards (maybe lower than on a good day, but ya know...).

 

[Rossettismuse1]

You talk about the "quality" of men propositioning you, but why, why, OH! why don't you give these guys a chance. You probably write them off after 20 seconds of knowing them. It is extremely torturous for an S.P man to make a move on a lady(Well, women won't make a move on us). Most of the time we may well appear "creepy", but that's down to nervousness, ie. lack of eye contact, sweating, blushing etc.

GIVE US A BREAK.

 

[J]

I said IF I was a girl... I'm a guy

I do see your point-- but also, have you ever written off a girl in the first 20 seconds? Have you ever looked at a female and thought "Even if I get the chance, hell no"?

People of both sexes aren't all that great at giving strangers the benefit of the doubt--something that works against anyone with a 'flaw', be it SA, being overweight, not looking like a movie star, not full of confidence, whatever it may be.

 

[mrblack]

cassie is that you in the picture? god...you look like marilyn monroe. i mean manson

 

[PisceanWisdom]

Maybe social anxiety boys can go out with social anxiety girls? Would they have socially anxious relationships or the other way around, because they understand eachother? The latter sounds nice.

Speaking as a girl, socially healthy people scare me :lol:. They sound better in theory, but if I had to ask anyone out, it would be a shy guy, and probably because they were the only shy person in the area. And I would probably have to, because I can't even imagine being asked out. :roll:

On a lighter and slightly off topic note, if everybody was socially phobic, then confidence would be an illness. And drugs would be prescribed to 'cure' people.

 

[GettingThere]

I beleive that some guys try too hard.

In my experience I have found that I met more women when I wasn't looking to do so than when I was really trying. I think that it has a lot to do with being more relaxed and just being yourself. When you want to meet someone really bad than you tend to get uptight and to talk more seriously than you would under other circumstances. This gives the wrong impression to the girl/woman despite your best efforts to try and act "cool".

 

[sky]

I ended up absolutely devastated after reading the book. It made it clear that guys with socialphobia and depression have virtually nil chance of getting a girl. Girls DO go for confidence along with physical and emotional strength. One whiff of weakness and she is out of there. The idea is to hide your flaws for the first few weeks or months and then start being honest but thats too hard for socialphobics who stutter and blush and make an ass of themselves.

Don't let some crappy book depress you. We talked a lot about that book in my human communication class, and as far as I can tell it's all about elevating gender stereotypes. Its advice is helpful only couples that get into endless circular arguments about nothing AND fit the gender stereotypes. They actually get into what kind of guys all gals go for? That's total crap. All people are different.

 

[Horatio]

I beleive that some guys try too hard.

In my experience I have found that I met more women when I wasn't looking to do so than when I was really trying. I think that it has a lot to do with being more relaxed and just being yourself. When you want to meet someone really bad than you tend to get uptight and to talk more seriously than you would under other circumstances. This gives the wrong impression to the girl/woman despite your best efforts to try and act "cool".

Ive done both.... I can go for months on end not bothering to look for girls and just "being myself" and girls dont go near me and other times I make a real effort and the same thing happens

either way no matter what I do girls make it clear to me that Im NOT ACCEPTABLE to them

tonight for instance, I simply do not learn, yet again I decided that staying at home alone wont help my situation so I was stupid enough to spend $100 on new clothes and headed into town. all I managed to accomplish was spending another $100 - $150 on alcohol and be told YET AGAIN by girls that Im not good enough

Im sick to fucking death of it. Make an effort or not make an effort it makes no difference. I have as much chance of meeting a girl under my house or in the attic as I do out in public.

oh well, Im overweight and unconfident so I guess I deserve to be mocked

I hear the cremation diet helps you lose excess weight really fast, might have to give that one a try I think

 

[GettingThere]

.......either way no matter what I do girls make it clear to me that Im NOT ACCEPTABLE to them

tonight for instance, I simply do not learn, yet again I decided that staying at home alone wont help my situation so I was stupid enough to spend $100 on new clothes and headed into town. all I managed to accomplish was spending another $100 - $150 on alcohol and be told YET AGAIN by girls that Im not good enough....

oh well, Im overweight and unconfident so I guess I deserve to be mocked.......

1. I'm sure that plenty of girls feel the same way.

2. Nightclubs and the like can be a truly horrible experience. Sometimes they feel like everybody left their souls at home. I have left these places late at night feeling like absolute crap. Trouble is finding other ways to meet girls I guess.

3. Nobody deserves to be mocked. From reading your posts it seems clear that you are a nice guy, cut yourself some slack. Sometimes that is not easy to do I know.

 

[black_mamba]

oh well, Im overweight and unconfident so I guess I deserve to be mocked

Who said that being confident and skinny was the 'correct' way to go? Who gets to decide these misconceptions?

People can be shallow, and my god nightclubs are breeding grounds for this sort of attitude. I also have been to clubs and have left wondering what the point was.

You said you've tried both actively and passively looking for a partner, but does that mean you've only ever looked at other women who were searching? A lot of people who want companionship don't neccessarily make it obvious or use dating agencies...have you tried targeting people who share your interests? From some past posts from you I remember you had strong interests in historical battle ships (am I right? I may have mistaken this sorry if I have!!)

:?:

 

[ColdFury]

I've been "searching" on personals sites for over a year and still have yet to meet anyone. Its all so pointless, I'm not going to meet anyone.

 

[black_mamba]

Just to clear up - I meant searching for places to share a particular interest but that aren't deliberate dating arenas. You are more likely to get along with someone who shares your passion, non?

 

[Horatio]

Who said that being confident and skinny was the 'correct' way to go? Who gets to decide these misconceptions?

umm every girl Ive ever met in person

would like to apologise for my rant this weekend, I was under the influence of a weeks wages worth of alcoholic beverages and had just spent a rather unsuccessful night attempting to get a life

yes your right Black mamba, I love historical battle ships. I will look into joining the local historical battle ship lovers society, Im sure there will be plenty of girls my age there

reminds me of when I was a teenager and used to belong to a local historical society. I think I was the only member under 60 and there was only one female in the group but she died in her mid 80s. Ever since then I laugh to myself when I read/hear suggestions that the best place to meet people is at clubs for people with similiar interests. Others my age simply arent interested in my hobbies at all. They dont understand me and I dont understand them. I just wish they didnt have to mock me for it.

 

[ScaredGirl]

Ahhh the dating thing. I met my husband in AA. Sobering up really helped with my SP. Drinking made me feel good for a while, but in reality it turned me into a slobbering idiot that nobody wanted so..... the recovery process kept me out of bars and away from fake socializing with people I *now* know are not able to form relationships any better then I am - that's why they are in a bar with strangers too.

The best place to meet someone is to find an interest the pursue it. Reliability is the biggest and best weapon you have to get some one ie: simply showing up regularly will make a huge difference - no one will introduce you to their daughter if you are there one week and not the next - but they might if you are there all the time.

As for weight...it means nothing. My hubby is a XXL and I really don't care - don't even see it in fact.

SG

 

[ScaredGirl]

Forgot to mention.....instead of thinking about how we present ourselves...it's also good to think about what WE want in others then make sure our expectations are realistic. I remember one time when I was single I was on a train an felt jealous at the happy couples around me then something made me realize...if one of those guys were to ask me out, I would have said no...each one had something about them that was not appealing to me....that's when I knew I was the problem. It made me realize that the 'average joe' was ok for other people but not for me. I kept finding an excuse to not like the fellows around me....it was *me* pushing *all* guys away and that's why I was single for so long. I used the template of an ideal mate to keep guys away because i was esentially afraid of being around people.

Remember the movie Rocky? Remember 'Adrian'? Would you have dated her? or him?

Try it tomorrow, when you see a couple think of one of them as YOUR partner then see how your gut feels....is anyone good enough?

 

[ColdFury]

I wish I had interests that involved other people in social activities, however I don't. All my interests are technical in nature and involve sitting in front of the computer in my room. Not going to meet any people that way. Besides, even if I did have such interests my anxiety is too strong even to leave the house.

 

[black_mamba]

yes your right Black mamba, I love historical battle ships. I will look into joining the local historical battle ship lovers society, Im sure there will be plenty of girls my age there

Damn. I had no idea it was that difficult.

No I guess I do, when I was about 12 and all the other girls concerned themselves with socialising I was into bird-watching, and the only other person willing to share this hobby was my school secretary of about 60.

Lets move sideways a bit here - how about starting out with a new activity altogether? *prepares for the sarcastic comeback remark*

 

[Horatio]

Lets move sideways a bit here - how about starting out with a new activity altogether? *prepares for the sarcastic comeback remark*

LMAO you know me too well already!

and bird watching isnt as unpopular as you might think. In fact most guys my age here are avid "bird" watchers

new activity might be the way to go. Most people here seem interested mainly in either sports or/and music and unfortunately Im not that passionate about either. I can watch sport and enjoy it but I cant play it, likewise I can listen to and enjoy music but can't make it.

maybe I could start up my own club... I could be president of the NZSA (New Zealand Solitare Association)