Social with some people, and super unsociable with others...

[lina1202]

Does anyone ever feel comfortable and get on with certain people but with others are just struck dumb with social anxiety?

I'm like that and I've noticed a pattern. The people I tend to be more open and chat more with are usually the people who kinda dress low maintenance - they also stand out more because of this- less intellectual/articulate in the way they speak - I wouldn't say less social because some of them definitely socialize a lot, so it doesn't really make much sense? For some reason I feel less intimidated by them and as a result tend to talk more and about myself more too.

But more 'intelligently spoken' people, those that have usually had a bit more education, I clam up and I'm so afraid of how I come across to them that I don't say much of anything. I think I come off as a really private person. Which is weird because I've had higher education myself.

It's strange, it's like I'm 2 completely different persons depending on who I'm with. Most of the time I'm super socially anxious though, it's only with a select few of the first description that I can feel more at ease.

Does anyone get like this too or have any idea why this might be?

 

[lina1202]

Yes, I can relate, and I think it comes down to feeling accepted by people versus feeling judged or potentially judged, whether its true or not. I know that I used to feel anxious with work peers as I felt my qualifications/skills/experience were not as good theirs, sort of a low professional esteem, I guess

Thanks for answering, I think you are right. I've been really confused by this for a while. It totally makes sense though. I just wish I could relax around people. It's a vicious cycle and ironic because if only we could relax we could just naturally be ourselves.

 

[lonerism]

Yes - back in the days when my social anxiety was moderately less severe (though it's always been very severe), I noticed that I felt a lot more comfortable around certain people. Usually - these people were one or more of the following:

-Quieter and/or more shy than average...seems like I often gravitated to people who were (somewhat) similar to myself in this way

-Seemingly less self-confident than many other people...people who didn't have a strongly self-assured presence

-People who seemed to be closer to the bottom of the social pecking order (like I was)...people who didn't have smooth social skills

-People with "less definable" qualities that somehow made them less intimidating - maybe a certain "gentle" aura, or people who seemed more sensitive and not as judgmental

While I was "aloof" and distant with other people, it seems that I sometimes happened upon people whom I was more comfortable hanging around...people with whom I was relatively relaxed. The few "friends" I had tended to fit at least one of the above descriptions.

It's funny...at the schools I attended (prior to college), I was known as an above-average student...I was considered one of the "smart kids". But I was often too uncomfortable around the other "smart" kids - or the kids who had other qualities that were objectively similar to my own. Those kids were often quite a bit more confident and "smooth" than I was (or felt). Something about them was just a little "strong" and intimidating. So there were times when I found myself hanging around people with whom I wasn't "expected" to be particularly chummy.

 

[Goblinko]

I can relate to this as well, and it really depends on the type of person I'm dealing with.

 

[Argentum]

It's about trust. With some people, I trust that they won't abuse openness and that they're generally well-meaning, so even if there is some anxiety it's something I can work past--especially in text.

There's always some level of anxiety, even with people I've known for years, but I can navigate if I don't have reasons for legitimate fear. Just a mental response that doesn't mean anything, really.

How to describe it is another manner. It's just a sense I get around other people, whether or not they're talking about something other than what they're talking about, whether or not they seem to be prying for something, whether or not their words seem a little too sharp to truly be joking, etc.