So I've progressed, but now I'm stuck

[Hollywoodrose525]

Hi guys,
So I'm new this forum but not new to Social Phobia. I've had it pretty bad since as young as I can remember. I finally was able to deal with it pretty well once at college, I think because my mom enables it when I'm around her (always talking for me, being overprotective, etc.). I feel like I've come a long way because of college. I became a waitress (it was TOUGH at first) and I majored in journalism (which means a lot of cold-calls and interviews with strangers) and now because of this, I can raise my hand in class (still get really nervous but I can do it), start conversations and speak to complete strangers. I've been interviewing for jobs and feeling completely at ease while doing it.

There is just one huge problem in my social phobia that it seems that I can't even begin to get over or work at. And that's being really personal with people. It seems I've been able to overcome my anxiety but only in "superficial" situations. What I mean by this is small talk about your major or about the class your taking or at a bar; basically just stuff that everyone talks about and thinks about while in college. But I still have a huge anxiety about sharing my real emotions and real self with people. I've dated but once it seems like it could get serious, I break it off because I'm too scared. I have a really close relationship with my family and quite a few really good friends, but I've noticed that we never share our emotions with one another. I just don't know how to do it and I'm afraid to try. I feel like I can finally pursue friendships (instead of just waiting for people to pursue me like I did in the past), but I'm worried that I'll never have a real long-term romantic relationship unless I get over this.

If any of you can give me a tips on how to deal with this or share your experiences, it would really help. I feel like the stuff I have read about SP teaches you to deal with social situations but not how to allow yourself to DEEPLY connect with other people. I really dont know what to do about it nor do I feel like any of the people I know in my life could relate to my problems. thanks

Ashley

 

[satstrn]

Dear Ashley,
Its awesome to hear how far you've come! It definitely sounds like you are on your way to social greatness!! I understand how you feel about not being able to deeply connect with people. I am a guy so your'e probably going to need a few female opinions as well as deep connection and sharing emotions with friends are not really in our frame of mind. However, I can feel your pain as I have also dated people (for months) who I never had a real deep gut level connection with. It sounds like you haven't met the right guy yet because that kinda thing should sorta come naturally, ya know? I think what you should do is first identify specifically what emotions you are feeling about this (SP) and how to articulate them. A trick I used was to keep a journal where I wrote everything down. Feelings, ideas, thoughts, anything you feel you want to share but can't. It sounds like you are very articulate and have good writing skills; I think that writing down the feelings you are having will help you understand better what sorts of emotions you want to communicate to others. There are lots of people on here (wink wink =) that directly relate to your problems and talking to them may also help you to get your emotions out. I don't think its the type of thing that you can really practice or get better at, it just has to come naturally with people that you become close to. From my brief experience, friends are VERY understanding and accepting of anxiety and shyness. Some can relate more than others, but no one is going to shut you down for talking about how you feel. The more personally you know someone, the easier it is to share things. Also, try talking to your family about how you feel! They are close to you, right? Talking with my mom over the years has definitely helped me. It sounds like you are definitely on the right track and that these things are going to resolve themselves. If ya ever need someone to talk to shoot me a message! I can relate and am quite understanding. =) Hope this helped...

-Roswell

 

[mimi1988]

I'm in the EXACT same situation. I've had SP for as long as I can remember. But my social skills started improving drastically when I got to high school-- not college. Like you, I'm able to make small talk (that comes pretty easy now), but I have the HARDEST time making friends. And it's for the exact reason you described. I have the hardest time trusting & opening up to ppl. I guess part of it is bcus, in all honesty, I really don't have much to share. I've never had a boyfriend so I can't talk openly about my relationships (like most girls) lol. I don't have any friends so I can't share stories about how I did this and that. Basically, I don't have a life lol. Therefore, there isn't much for me to talk about.

As for the opposite sex... Oh jeez, where do I begin... I have no problem attracting men. I just find it SOOOO hard to be comfortable around them. That's when my anxiety is at it's worst! When I'm around men I like. It's not that I think I'm ugly; a lot of times I just feel... worthless. If a guy actually like me back I'll usually wonder, "what the hell could he possibly see in me?" Aside from that, I always think he'll think I'm weird once he finds out I've never been in a relationship, and that I don't have friends lol. I think I'd rather be alone than to have someone I actually like think of me as "weird".

 

[sabbath9]

maybe it's AVPD

 

[Hollywoodrose525]

Roswell and Mimi, thanks so much. It's nice to knw that other people go through it too. I definitely understand what you are saying Mimi, I also don't have a lot of problem attracting guys its just hard to me to be socially comfortable around them. My anxiety is also at my worst around guys I like. Actually most of the time, I am able to speak to and be social with everyone but guys that I think are hot. The minute I'm with them, I go back to my 8-year old self (when I was at my worst). I also used to worry that the guys I dated would think I was "weird" for being a little bit of a loner, but trust me if they really like you, they won't.
And Roswell, a journal is a good idea. I do love writing so maybe I'll try it out. And I hope meeting the right guy will make me less nervous, but right now I feel like any guy I'm interested in will make me nervous. I actually have been rejected by parents for trying to talk about being my social anxiety, they think I'm just being too sensitive. So I'm kind of afraid to open up to them about that (we are close, but they they came from bad families and pride themselves in having a really successful family so they kind of try to ignore our "weaknesses"). But I have quite a few close friends that I think I'll try it out on, or my brother. Thanks for the support

And Sabbath, I don't think its AVPD, at least I hope not. It's never felt that extreme, just more social phobia mixed with desire for independence/commitment-phob

 

[danstelter]

Well, it sounds like you're doing wonderful overall, but like you noted, you are stuck. For what it's worth, if you can overcome anxiety to that point, then you are certainly able to overcome this next roadblock, so I would not worry about it too much.

Something you might try, and you can try this or not. But, what I did was to slowly let people inside of my head. For example, I might say that, "I am really anxious about this test at school." If the person nods their head and relates, then I feel comfortable with telling them something a little more personal. If they say something nasty like, "Well, that's too bad, everyone has that problem," then I chose to move on to someone else and let that person sit in his or her misery.

What I believe you will find is that true friends who accept you despite knowing your innermost secrets and mistakes, are a rare find. If you find 1-2 people like that in a lifetime, you have done quite well for yourself! Most people will be able to hear some personal detail, but not the full brunt of everything you have to say. So, just kind of start off with something pretty harmless and test people to see how they respond and act accordingly.

 

[Scrabbl]

That's some pretty good advice Dan...

I'm working on the same problem. I always feel vulnerable when I talk about my feelings, even with my parents. At times, I actually make up weird lies and excuses just so I don't have to tell people what I really feel. As a result I feel that none of my friends or family actually knows me for who I really am.