Short and Sweet

[LittleMissMuffet]

Someone gave me some advice for dealing with anxiety. They claimed that it was 'all a person needs to know' and I've been trying it, and so far it seems to be helping me.

I copied-out the letter written to me with this advice in it in the thread titled 'How to change Root Thoughts' (along with a similar strategy that was taken from a book); but I'm writing it again here just so that as many people will read it.

Here is a way of dealing with anxiety: smile when you feel anxious and say to your self: "I don't mind the little things". There was also recommended breathing with the diaphragm.

Supposedly this day-by-day approach to dealing with anxiety is helpful to many people. So, try it out if you like and then come back and write how you went with it.

 

[Y]

Ill try it littlemissmuffet, thanks, i love your advices.

I hope itll make me less nervous talking to the biology proffesser on Monday, pffffff, ill have to tell him about my situation, even thinking about it gives me the creeps.

Oh now, what was that again? I smile? *smiles*, and say "I dont mind the little things"........ i feel better already :roll:

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Fair enough, Y.
Perhaps my advice is sometimes wrong and unhelpful.
I would get upset/angry at some of the things that others like my therapist said by way of advice to me; and maybe I've made the same mistake as them of thinking that I understand everything better than I do.

So, I'll make a note of your complaint and shy away next time from saying my opinion too much; and from jumping the gun thinking that I understand things well enough. :? :wink:

But as for the piece of advice in this thread -well, you see, the advice in this thread IS NOT MINE. In fact, it's something that I've never even considered. ...so, given your obvious dislike for my solutions, maybe you should give this one a try just to test if it helps in any way.

 

[Keara]

I have to say, Y, that was a little mean. I hope you didn't hurt LittleMissMuffet's feelings, it kind of seemed like you did. She's only trying to help people.

It's a simple little thing that might work, I am planning on trying it. It does make sense, we are trying to stop the negative thoughts in our head and replace them with positive ones.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Thanks Kears. That was very considerate of you.

But, I think that Y may have had a point. He was referring to other advice that I had given. And I think that I may have said the wrong thing. ...so, although I may be a little hurt, it is better that I know that I was out-of-line/said the wrong thing. And I don't mind so much that he let me know. Maybe he is right.

But this piece of advice has been helping me. And the person that gave it to me had struggled with an anxiety problem for 20 years to eventually find this strategy as the most helpful to him (that doesn't make it the perfect solution, but it still says something for it).
Also, he is a GP and has given this advice to some patients who presented with anxiety difficulties; and he told me that so far, smiling and saying to the yourself that 'I don't mind the little things' has been something that they have all benefited from doing.
(Also, as far as saying the right thing at the right time and for the particular situation: he is generally very good at knowing how to do this! -so I generally take his opinions to be quite good.)

But I appreciate your thought and being kind.

 

[Kinetik]

Hey, don't feel you need to back down from advice-giving. Sure we can't all be right all the time, but what does it matter? This thread was created on the premise that this tidbit helped you and might help others. If it doesn't, well, they can't fault you for something that works for you personally. Take it or leave it, you know? People should be glad that there are others willing to post things that even vaguely resemble advice. I mean, since we're all in the same boat here, it's far easier to commiserate than it is to try and help, so give yourself some credit.

 

[allergic2kryptonit]

Hey LittleMissMuffet, I think you're pretty cool. Please don't apologize for trying to help others. :wink:

Also, from everything i've read, you may be on to something there. Smiling is a natural response to feeling happy, but it also works in reverse - if you smile, it can make you feel happy. So, I would think if you smile, and it makes you feel happy, you can't feel extremely nervous at the same time..... :lol:

ck

 

[Y]

Hello there Littlemissmuffet, theres a HUGE and i mean HUGE misunderstanding here. I wasnt being sarcastic when i said i loved your advices, i am serious.

Hey you are one of my favourite members here. Look here: http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/postt9538.html

I love how your posts are more about helping people, giving advices while most of us only whine.

So i was serious when it said "i fell better already" , and i just wanted to make it look a little "sarcastic" with this smiley : :roll: , only to add some humour to the thread. And obviously i failed.

Id never hurt you or anyone here, so if i did by mistake (and my lack of English, its not my first language you know, thats why i sound wierd sometimes), i am so sorry

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi,
Thanks Keara, Kinetik, allergic2kryptonite and Y.

Y: I'll take your word on things. I've seen before that internet messages can be misinterpreted -and even emoticons can sometimes be misleading. Yet, just the same, I would still accept if I had said something unhelpful or even if I just said too much (!) and you were consequently a bit annoyed etc. And, like I said in my pm, this would be fine because I figure that I've got more to learn as far as understanding people and feelings etc and that it is better that I get a clearer picture of what is right and even what is the right advice.
...In any case, if things are fine with you then they are fine with me. And maybe I did get a different message to what you intended when you wrote your post. ...So, no problem!

I've been giving my friend's advice some more consideration. I passed it on to another poster (who doesn't post as often here now) through email; and I asked her why it is that I still have doubts and questions about such advice.

My friend that gave it to me is possibly the wisest individual that I have ever come across -and everybody who seems to know him feels the same way about him. ...I even told him that he's the closest thing to a Jesus that I've met (which may sound a little full-on, yet, it's kind of true)

But, as for the hesitation and questions that I have about simply accepting his advice as a good solution -I figure that my anxiety is to do with paying great attention to details in social interaction. That this is practically an obsession and very 'natural' to me. I also think and annalyse a great deal (just in case you can't tell :wink: ). I think that sensitivity and thinking a lot kind of go together; just like being really really careful and hypervigilant to not making a mistake kind of go with this.


Then there is my friend's advice... his advice is like a substitute 'reflex' action -to smile- and say to my self: 'I don't mind the little things'. I figure that with anxiety, the reaction is so fast that something as simple as smiling and distracting the mind off of details may be exactly what is needed. And, like allergic2kryptonite said, because smiling can give you positive emotions, this can replace the negative fearful ones. ...This may be the kind of thing to do to help 'get out of the rut'. CBT is good, yet it seems slower and 'too thoughtful'. ...I still think that CBT is good and even necessary -but I think that because a smile is reflexive that it could be a powerful tool when trying to get the focus off of obsessing over details. Besides, it doesn't require a person to annalyse all the thoughts that could be going through their mind like CBT does.

As for the doubts that I have been having -the questions and my need to know how show a therapeutic tool would work - I think that this is in a way a part of my problem as well as personality. -Focussing on details (even if it is simply a result of being sensitive and a way of defending against getting hurt) kind of goes with the need to control and be a perfectionist, even when it comes to social situations. ...So I kind of continue to do the same thing again -even with a potential solution.

I wrote an email to the person who gave me this advice, telling him that whilst I valued it, I was still wondering about how it worked and wanting to understand 'anxiety' better. He didn't reply; but if you read his original email in which he wrote the advice, he had said that he would find it sad if I were to go through years of anguish looking for an answer'. And that, 'some of us tend to complicate things and think that the answer would need to be as complicated as the problem'; but that -'perhaps there are those of us who need to go through this in order to appreciate the breadth and depth of such simplicity'.

Today I remembered when I had a difficulty managing my sensitivity regarding love and sex. And I remembered that I had to drop my old way of thinking and start completely from scratch creating a new 'perception'. That I had to give-up my attachment to this old perception and what it stood for. ...just like how the more I think about details and getting it all perfect and right, the more I feel anxious and get nervous and screw things up. That this is like searching and searching for something to hang onto -to get the details right - and this is like saying to my self that "I have nothing", that I don't have security or anything to base my self on. But, with my previous problem, I figured-out that I had to 'make something from nothing' -and that 'something' could never exist otherwise. ...so, I need to let go of having the 'perfect' answer and the perfect control, otherwise I will always be dependent on little things and on every little thing that others do or say.

I mean, that is the 'vicious circle' of anxiety -holding on to little details (and I know that this happens as a result of being a more sensitive individual, yet I can't change this but I can change what I pay attention to and focus on) And I think that this smiling and learning to let details go is the perfect way to change my focus and 'centre' me more in situations. So that I am less reactive. ...and I figure that my natural inclination to do things perfectly and examine every little detail will happen naturally -because it already does!
....and, could this way of looking at things and approaching things be how 'living in the moment' could be achieved? I mean, 'living in the moment' is what people go on and on about.

...anyhow, I'm sorry if the above is mostly jibberrish and babble. I am letting my thoughts flow so as to see better and more easily what the picture could be. Well, that'll do I think for now, it's getting late.

 

[Alexp]

Hi Missmuffet,

I read this post as well as the original post about how to change your root thoughts. Great stuff as always

Its very true that who we are and what we do is a series of reinforced actions and thoughts. The idea that you can change the thought through reinforced action is quite fascinating and certainly a valid point.

I think the smiling idea is a good one too. Why would it work in my opinion? Typically when you feel good about yourself and the world is when you smile. The reinforced connection has been made over the years. If you can force yourself to genuinely smile, then you can pull some of the other side with it – the good feelings about yourself and your world. Smiling would likely make you feel more positive towards others and yourself. It would make you less likely that you would dwell on mistakes or social fear. It would certainly distract from focusing on all the little negative things. Adding the idea that “I really don’t mind about the little things” is even better, cause that will add even more to that atmosphere of positive allowance.

You probably know my view in that anxiety is created and reinforced when you start to dwell on ‘those little things’ and create pain which leads to anxiety. If you can smile and tell yourself that ‘you really don’t mind about the little things’ you are well on your way to stopping the reinforcement and lowering your anxiety. It’s really great advice.

The only problems I can see is that some situations you will be so terrified, you wont be able to smile at all (or it would be extremely difficult). Your mind would go into full alert and anxiety mode and smiling would be the last thing you could think about doing. You might try giving up because it’s ‘too hard’. I wouldn’t worry though if you want to use this technique and you fail to do it on certain difficult occasions. Even if you could genuinely do it on *some* occasions, it has the potential to help lower the reinforced pain and anxiety overall. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing thing in my opinion – just doing it as much as you can- could help.

I think another possible problem is that many of us are really so self conscious to the point that the idea of us smiling in public from nothing in particular could make us look a little silly and could create a little anxiety by itself. I think that could stop many people from actually giving it a good shot. I wonder if we could just imagine ourselves smiling, and it could have almost the same effect without that fear of someone judging your smile and reasons behind it. Maybe go into a public place and imagine your smile and all the good feelings associated with it. I don’t know – it’s a thought.

I think no matter what, I would always keep the idea of ‘I really don’t mind about the little things” in your head at all – smile or no smile (Although it would help if you could smile or imagine yourself smiling).

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi,

Alex, for me so far, 'smile therapy' is something that I have done more in terms of attitude/thought. (Smiling for me is something that I tend to only really be able to do if I really mean it -I'm not good at smiling on queue. )So for me, smiling to detach from anxious thoughts and feelings is more about my approach. And even just as an approach it seems to be distancing me from my worries. So your idea that this technique could also be done by way of 'imagining' or thinking of yourself as greeting (new) people I think could be of help in it self.

With me also, I have always had trouble with any situation that I am unfamiliar with and that I want to be established and secure socially in. I think that because I am so sensitive to any stimulation that I am likewise easily effected and overwhelmed by anything new and unfamiliar. -I think that this brings along with it a deepseated need to perfectly understand and have a lot of control over things.

Yet, the catch-22 is that the more I feel this need to perfectly handle/understand/control my self and situations, the more I likewise get stuck-on details. -Just like how I wrote above that the two go together.
-Basically, I'm saying the same thing that you observed about needing to be perfect, when we should be accepting imperfection as perfect.

And, when you wrote about the 'smiling' technique possibly not working when we feel a strong fear in a situation -I think that we need to notice very clearly that we are in a vicious circle; and that we need to keep pushing to let go of our reactive (fearful) thoughts and feelings. That we have nothing to lose by letting go of our fear -even our fear of fear- since this is what perpetuates our problem. ...Like how we can realise that we have nothing to lose and that we can know what is the 'right way' because we are convinced of what is the 'wrong way'. Like how you wrote before that it is our judgements about how we behave, and that we really need to keep going and not give-up because we "think" we are failing -which we only think and judge as the case because our perception hasn't really been changed.

I also think that perfectionism/attention and sensitivity to detail are innate to my personality. That I will always be this way to a degree. And I think that I need to learn how to be more opposite to this.

...that the only thing I really need to see perhaps is that if I don't choose to let go of details and being effected easily by others, that I'll just continue to be effected and focus on this to become effected again. That I have to learn to let go of all of this and then my natural tendency to scrutinise everything, be perfect etc will provide enough protection from failing and being hurt.

And that there is nothing to fear from letting go and trying this kind of thinking. Since our experience tells us that not centring ourselves and not letting go of details/worries about how we act just leads to us feeling anxious and messing things up.

I think that it would be difficult to worry about what people thought of us when we are smiling and not worrying because of it. So, I'm not so sure about your saying that some people would feel self-concious about smiling for no reason. ...Also, I've read that our minds cannot process negatives; so 'smiling' which is a positive would be much easier for us to do than worrying about appearing nervous and trying to 'stop' this. -Since, again, this would be us focussing on details -and is like a 'reactive' thought since it makes us dependent upon the little details of social interaction, including how others respond to us. -It's like going in the negative direction in order to get a positive. But something like smiling is creating a positive, that even if a negative results (through others' regard or treatment of us) we will be better able to detach from others' thoughts and behaviours and better able to process such disturbances in our surroundings.

...In fact, my personal understanding of social anxiety is that it has a lot to do with being really sensitive to outside stimulation and a trouble processing all the incoming information without becoming easily unsettled and edgy. And it is a fear of change or of the unfamiliar because of this; and similar to this, a difficulty living and adapting to the changing moment, or to living in the moment.

But if you disagree about that feeling self-concious about smiling, or if I have confused things, tell me what you think Alex, and anyone else.