Severe social phobia at work (please help me! *Long post*)

[sugarplum1]

Hi All,



I desperately need some help. Badly..I have been struggling with social phobia at work for years at many different jobs. I couldn't even hold onto a job for longer than a month, so, considering I've been at this job for a year and 5 months is freakin AMAZING!!

The only thing is that when it comes to socializing at work, I have the wrong type of wrong mindset and I desperately need help to change or I need advice. This is really long but please, for my mental stability, I desperately need some guidance and help. I would greatly appreciate any advice offered. A little about me.. I have suffered physical, mental, sexual abuse throughout my life and all I ever wanted was to be accepted by others. I have a loving bf but I don't let anyone else in really. I have a huge problem socializing with others at work. Outside of work I am fine for the most part, but I still feel anxiety and unsure of how to have conversations with people (also very hard on myself). I feel I'm very weird at work (and have ever since I have worked). I'm 26 now and I started working from age 18 so that's quite a while now. The following are the things that I suffer from:



Social phobia/anxiety when talking about myself, or just sharing about myself with other people. I know that most people's favorite topic is themselves, but I honestly used to share SO much about myself in high school and I have been burned by others SO bad (I shared very personal things with a "friend" in a note book and that she tore out and told everyone in my grade Everyone used to talk about me behind my back constantly and give me dirty looks and stare). This caused me extreme paranoia in social situations.. and I definitely know that has affected me as far as why I absolutely have a fear talking about myself to others. I also don't like to ask others a lot of questions because most times, (I've noticed) the people around me usually try one-upping each other.. for example coworker A: "my daughter did the funniest thing at dinner last night..she totally fell off her chair" person B: "oh yeah? the other day my son was dancing so silly and blah blah blah". It's like .. people don't ever ask about how that person's experience was (like how I would), everyone is just SO interested in one-upping each other.. I have ALWAYS felt that talking about myself was/is conceited.. but.. I'm having a difficult time realizing that it seems as though most people communicate in this 'one-upping' kind of manner, to show similarities.. that sucks for me because I don't have kids, and I don't have similar interests to these people.. Is this how most people are? Or is this how most people are IN A WORK environment? I want to talk about myself in a way that I'm NOT bragging or one-upping.



I also told my boss that in the past I've had social anxiety and I used to have a drinking problem which is why I don't drink anymore. I thought telling her this would bring her closer to me (I have always mistakenly thought that sharing with others my 'deep dark secrets' would make them either accept me or 'make me feel like one of the crowd and they would include me more, since they know me on a more deeper level' but.. it actually ended up spreading to the entire office. Now I feel so betrayed, stupid, and like I never should've told her that (and I will not share that with others in the workplace, EVER, in the future!!).



I have several questions and I just .. feel so confused about what to do :



1) Should I adopt the 'one-upping' 'bragging about myself at work' mentality? It is so unnatural for me, and again, I am very scared to share about myself since I have been so badly burned in the past. Since it seems like that is how most people communicate at work (bragging/love talking about themselves), should I just chalk it up to "I should be this way since everyone else seems to be and should identify it as my "work hat" (even though I usually only have one type of "hat" so to speak which is myself.. that is something I also need to work on)



2) Do you think it's conceited to speak about yourself a lot at work? How do I break out of this 'Talking about myself is being conceited' mindset? It's weird because I am an introvert/extrovert combination (if you know what a Choleric/Melancholy personality type is, I'm exactly that). I take charge, I am not afraid to be myself in certain non-work situations , but I am also very introverted at times and need my space. I crave social interactions but at the same time, I hate it. I think I hate it more so at work cause I was taught NEVER to trust coworkers. At work, I have ALWAYS been mistrusting, paranoid (thinking everyone is talking behind my back), and doesn't like me. I seek out people treating me differently than others and I have been I've been severely rejected by others during middle school, high school, but was a very successful and functioning alcoholic/party girl (starting age 15 til 23 years old), but am no longer that way (I'm 26 now and have been sober since 23). As mentioned, I had abusive (physical and sexual) abusive relationships, and had to severe ties with an incredibly toxic sibling who used to constantly belittle and put me down. Since I was a severe party animal from 15-23, I relied so heavily on drugs and alcohol to socialize. Now it is so hard for me to figure out how I should be or what I shouldn't be in social interactions, what is appropriate conversational exchanges/topics, etc.



I hate feeling like a total introvert at work (I do enjoy socializing and when I do get recognized by my boss, I feel happy) at work when I feel so scared to share about myself with others as my words have been used against me (in general and at this job). I am SO AFRAID of sharing about myself. I feel like I don't know how to "keep topics light" as I am a very deep thinker yet, I am also VERY bubbly and cheery. I am also sarcastic as well. I want to be less 'heavy' emotionally.



I have been thinking of doing Toastmasters but I am afraid but I know it's something I need to do before I move out of state and start a new job. Esp when I need to do an interview process.



Someone please help me, and I really hope I could talk to someone about this (or maybe get a mentor) because I am so tired of feeling like a failure in the socializing at work dept and just feeling SO behind in life in this area. I have quit so many jobs because of my paranoia/social phobia. I will be moving in Sept to a different state so I want to start fresh and new and know that I will never tell ANYTHING deep like my social anxiety and drinking probs to people ever again. I just don't know how to be day-to-day. It's not as easy as "just go there to work". I know that office politics and water cooler BS matters. I am absolutely HORRIBLE at office politics/kissing someone's ass (I am NOT good at that, I usually end up offending them LOL) .



Another thing, is that I justify in my head that "it's okay if I'm quiet, work is work and these people are not my friends".. but I work in a VERY small office and I am the only one that HARDLY jokes with people. They joke with me here and there but I feel so different compared and awkward even though I KNOW I am not. I feel bad when they joke with me and I sometimes get tongue-tied whereas I'm otherwise very funny. It's just in the work environment I am very awkward and quiet. I was taught growing up to do my job only don't make friends but I can't do that.



Being someone that has a history of social phobia/anxiety, I don't know if I should go to a bigger company (for my next job) as a receptionist (more anonymity and more of a chance to befriend someone) OR if I should try a small office again and try to get to know everyone there...



I would greatly appreciate any feedback and help you could offer. This is very long, but I feel like I have so much hurt and pain inside. I have seen a psychologist for this for many years but I feel like sometimes they don't REALLY know what it's like cause they don't suffer from social phobia/anxiety or ruminating thoughts about how to handle day-to-day conversations/how to behave, etc. Again, I feel behind since I used to party so much to mask over my past rejections/psychological/mental/sexual abuse. I am also not very caring about how others perceive me at work (I think I should be though but that will complicate things for sure), and I think they feel that I'm very nice and professional but a 'fake nice'. I don't know but I am a very genuine person and I really do care about others, I just feel like I can't and don't relate to people in any work environment (I'm afraid to).



Thank you so much for your help in advance! I know this was so long but I really feel like I need to let it ALL out. Please I hope there is someone with advice or some guidance for me. Thank you so much.

 

[mikebird]

My first encounter with social phobia was in my very first job on graduation

All life had been socially perfect and at its absolute peak just before then

It knocked me sideways, like a swinging crane hook right into my jaw... eg. Terminator 3?

My first day in a shirt 'n' tie since school. I expected to be hardhatted in the tunnels, oil rig, maintaining London undergound power supplies, welding, wiring, escalators & elevator repair, ship or submarine engineering, wearing a t-shirt, jeans, heavy boots in muck. One office. Previous job was pizza delivery
From the disastrous day, it was the environment of TV presenters, weatherpeople or lottery spastic smilers. Shoulda listened to the armed forces advice of not being a civvy. Facts are that I faced up to this miserable life for 15 years...

One thing I want to say about help

I never want help. Never need help. It's the ultimate inverse of help. I'd rather be the person dropped to the ground from a height with a broken limb or two, wrapping a spare bit of clothing round tight to abort my own blood loss, crawling to a distant place to administer my own treatment.

Benefit is the worst case of help. Free lunch. Money for nothing. I always run from hospital when I'm fit. Self-motivation = life + progress. People rest in laziness for giveouts. No church. The toughest bit is realisation of a lack of acceptance as a normal civvy. Rebel

Recruiters are naturally labelled as helping you into 'werq' :kiss: h:
Learn. Speak to the fist

 

[sugarplum1]

Ok.. your post really didn’t help me or offer me any advice at all, no offense. I really need someone’s help, advice or concrete examples please.

 

[Hoppy]

I've started typing a reply, and then reread your post and deleted everything because you said it yourself in a much better way. And I agree with you that the people at work are not your friends.

You asked about a small office or big. In a big company you will be working with a small group of people. Any supervisor/manager can only look after so many people at a time, so the difference between a big and small office isn't that much. What I would recommend for now is to try a bigger company. If there is problems with your manager (and telling people about your problems is a problem.) then you can go over his/her head to a more serious problem, and you can try to find a mentor.

Ignore the on-upping. People busy doing it just wait for another to stop talking so that they can tell their story.

And do try toastmasters. My brother and sister is both involved and I will also like to have a go one day, they say the support and training is great and the self confidence is wonderful.

You are still young. Eventually you will be able to find a balance between what you are comfortable with and what you feel are private, and I wish you luck.

And psychologists are good to help, even if it is just to articulate the voices in your own head.

And ask if you have more questions.

 

[sugarplum1]

I've started typing a reply, and then reread your post and deleted everything because you said it yourself in a much better way. And I agree with you that the people at work are not your friends.

You asked about a small office or big. In a big company you will be working with a small group of people. Any supervisor/manager can only look after so many people at a time, so the difference between a big and small office isn't that much. What I would recommend for now is to try a bigger company. If there is problems with your manager (and telling people about your problems is a problem.) then you can go over his/her head to a more serious problem, and you can try to find a mentor.

Ignore the on-upping. People busy doing it just wait for another to stop talking so that they can tell their story.

And do try toastmasters. My brother and sister is both involved and I will also like to have a go one day, they say the support and training is great and the self confidence is wonderful.

You are still young. Eventually you will be able to find a balance between what you are comfortable with and what you feel are private, and I wish you luck.

And psychologists are good to help, even if it is just to articulate the voices in your own head.

And ask if you have more questions.

Thank you SO much Hoppy for your response! You don’t know how much it means that you’ve actually read my entire post Lol (I know it was a long one!). I guess the one-upping is a confusing issue to me because as mentioned, I didn’t develop my social skills in the past because I was so insecure and used drugs/alcohol to ‘numb’ me from my past sexual/physical/emotional traumas. It really seems as though that most people speak that way, and I am more about asking "so how do you feel about that, or what did you do about it?" rather than "oh well i did this and that, etc". I think what I need to do is find a balance of asking the other person about their experience AND also share my experiences. I do still sometimes feel nervous about sharing about myself though.

Have you experienced social anxiety/phobia at work? If so, do you work in a big or a small environment and how do you cope with your day-to-day?

Thanks again so much for your response !

 

[Hoppy]

I work in a smallish place, the most people I've ever had was 25, now it is 12 (recession and all that), but I am the boss, I am allowed to ignore small talk and I sometimes lock myself into the office to get some privacy.

I've developed a thick skin through the years, I can deal with most salespeople, but I still suck at doing sales.

And don't worry too much about the chattering classes, those people tend to forget what came out of their own mouths within seconds. (And just when you have given up hope one of them will surprise you with some surprising insight, just proving that their minds actually works, and that some of them are actually very nice people.)

And one nice thing about work, you are allowed to tell people: "Sorry, I can't chat now, I have to finish this job first."

And then you concentrate on some urgent but not very important little job, like updating your resume.

 

[susieq]

hi sugarplum,
I have been reading your post and dont know if I can offer you advice as i have similar issues, although mine mainly are problems with clients instead of co workers. I can offer some understanding though, i guess it helps a little to know you are not the only one who feels the way you do.
A lot of what you are explaining sounds really familiar to me although in one one way I am like the opposite of you because I do the one upping thing all the time! I am actually just realising that now that you have brought it into my head. Its not because I have so many experiences I want to share or that I want to sound better than others, its just that I never really have many things of my own to say, so when someone starts a topic, I imediatly start searching for something to say that will keep the conversation going and appear like i have something in common with the other person. all of this is just to avoid silences or situations where I might be expected to initiate conversation. that is when i start to feel most self concious. When others do the oneupping thing Im not sure it is for the same reasons as me. If you are worried about sounding conceited by talking about your own experiences, the chances are the people are only half listening while they are thinking of the next thing they are going to say when you have finished and are not likely to be judging you. Anyone worth talking to, will be listening to you. Like you said, work people are not always people you want to make friends with, especially if the job is the only thing you have in common, so try not to worry too much about what they think of you. The fact that one upping other people doesn't come naturally to you is a good thing, and such a positive character trait to not have to prove yourself to others. I dont think you should change this.
Your boss is seriously out of order telling people personal things you have confided in her about, if i worked in your office, i would be judging her as being unprofessional and thoughtless, not you for being honest!
I hope things become easier for you and you find the answers you are looking for

 

[rosewood]

hi sugarplum,
I am in a similar situation myself. I have started to feel the old panic creep back in while at work, so I am going to take in a much smaller version of my "Calm Box" with me. It consists of things that will work my brain and calm me at the same time, like puzzles and math problems, and things with scents and textures that are soothing. I also plan to tell my employer what is going on with me so I don't have to worry about my calm box being misinterpreted as goofing off.

Don't worry about talking about yourself, or bragging. This is not natural to you.

Doing things to calm yourself will be most helpful, I think.

 

[sugarplum1]

I work in a smallish place, the most people I've ever had was 25, now it is 12 (recession and all that), but I am the boss, I am allowed to ignore small talk and I sometimes lock myself into the office to get some privacy.

I've developed a thick skin through the years, I can deal with most salespeople, but I still suck at doing sales.

And don't worry too much about the chattering classes, those people tend to forget what came out of their own mouths within seconds. (And just when you have given up hope one of them will surprise you with some surprising insight, just proving that their minds actually works, and that some of them are actually very nice people.)

And one nice thing about work, you are allowed to tell people: "Sorry, I can't chat now, I have to finish this job first."

And then you concentrate on some urgent but not very important little job, like updating your resume.

Hey there Hoppy, you’re back ;-) Thanks! That is really awesome that you are the boss and that you have social anxiety and/or phobia. I have underestimated the fact that people suffering with this mental ailment can hold higher level positions which is awesome that you do. You are lucky you’re able to close your door. I just discovered 2 days ago that I too am also lucky in the sense where I can put my headphones on and do work at the same time, but I usually leave one ear-bud off to seem semi approachable. I think what is working is the fact that I no longer am pressuring myself/putting myself down to have lunch with these people anymore everyday. I usually eat by myself (earlier as opposed to them eating later) and that seems to be working out just fine! =) I am also reading “Personality Plus at work” which is helping me understand the different personality types at work..and it’s giving me a better understanding of myself (the perfectionist (introvert) / choleric (extrovert, always keeping busy/telling it like it is). Lol can’t help but feel a bit schizo but I am starting to embrace both my extro/introvert side now =)

How do you think you were able to develop thicker skin? I have a terrible problem with being waaayy too sensitive (think of a really bad sunburn and very sore to the slightest touch.. when my emotions are out of balance, that’s how I feel about myself). Were there techniques, ways you were able to develop thicker skin? If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I feel like I will get better with age (again, I’m 26) and I really wish that I could know everything “NOW” lol. Though I may have to continue going through life the hard way (but I do believe in God and him watching over/guiding me so that definitely helps as well). Did you ever think about how they perceive you closing your door? If so, did you care what they thought? Are you aware of how others perceive you, if so do you care? These are things that I currently struggle with, and being that you are in a position of authority, I am wondering how you handle/think about this.

“And don't worry too much about the chattering classes, those people tend to forget what came out of their own mouths within seconds”

This is true.. I guess it is in my own mind that people are constantly judging me. It is due to my own past issues, and I definitely am very hard on myself at times. I need to remember that.
Thanks so much again Hoppy for your response, I am very grateful for you taking out the time and look forward to hearing back from you!

 

[sugarplum1]

hi sugarplum,
I have been reading your post and dont know if I can offer you advice as i have similar issues, although mine mainly are problems with clients instead of co workers. I can offer some understanding though, i guess it helps a little to know you are not the only one who feels the way you do.
A lot of what you are explaining sounds really familiar to me although in one one way I am like the opposite of you because I do the one upping thing all the time! I am actually just realising that now that you have brought it into my head. Its not because I have so many experiences I want to share or that I want to sound better than others, its just that I never really have many things of my own to say, so when someone starts a topic, I imediatly start searching for something to say that will keep the conversation going and appear like i have something in common with the other person. all of this is just to avoid silences or situations where I might be expected to initiate conversation. that is when i start to feel most self concious. When others do the oneupping thing Im not sure it is for the same reasons as me. If you are worried about sounding conceited by talking about your own experiences, the chances are the people are only half listening while they are thinking of the next thing they are going to say when you have finished and are not likely to be judging you. Anyone worth talking to, will be listening to you. Like you said, work people are not always people you want to make friends with, especially if the job is the only thing you have in common, so try not to worry too much about what they think of you. The fact that one upping other people doesn't come naturally to you is a good thing, and such a positive character trait to not have to prove yourself to others. I dont think you should change this.
Your boss is seriously out of order telling people personal things you have confided in her about, if i worked in your office, i would be judging her as being unprofessional and thoughtless, not you for being honest!
I hope things become easier for you and you find the answers you are looking for

Hey Susieq! Thanks for responding back to me! =) Yes, it definitely is comforting knowing that you are not the only one suffering out there, although in this world (in my world anyhow), it seems like I’m the only one that suffers with this severe anxiety that I know of. It is thankfully getting better since I am able to listen to my ear-buds at wrk, and have realized that I need to embrace both my intro/extrovert self, and as long as I am friendly and try to make some jokes here and there (try my best to keep things light, as I am more of a deep thinker (introvert side), And..how I also need to remember to listen to others AND share about myself during the convo, not only one or the other.. I will be fine (easier said than done though! Lol). Well, it helps too that I have lunch at an earlier time by myself =) I am totally fine and very happy(that is Ideal!) with that since now I can listen to my music/watch funny youtube videos etc without the added pressure of ‘having to talk about crap I don’t care about’.

At least you are aware of the one-upping thing, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing as that is how most people speak towards each other (from what I have noticed). I hope I didn’t make you feel self-conscious about that, and sorry if I did. At least you are able to speak about yourself, which is something I struggle with and admire about you (people who can do that).. again, I was traumatized and exploited in several different way so I feel what I feel doesn’t matter “as much” as others though I know that’s not true deep down. Do you have any suggestions on how to improve that, or were you always one of the people who felt at ease talking about youself?

I think people have found it as a weakness/a negative thing for me not sharing about myself (or hardly sharing about myself) because it projects that what I have been through and who I am as a person doesn’t matter s “as much” as the person sharing, and in a sense, I am putting them on a pedestal (me: oh really? How was that?.. or.. that sounds cool, I’ve always wanted to go there, haven’t been there yet”). That’s just my take on that. I know that Toastmasters will help that. Again, I think I now need to feel OKAY with talking about myself and that I have every right to share without people rejecting me (which is what I have felt my entire life from age 5 til 26 (current day). You’re totally right and I thank you for saying that it’s a positive trait that I don’t need to prove myself to others.. but I want to find a balance and sometimes I get into that wrong mindset of “oh no I have that feeling of one-upping even though to others I am sure it is NOTHING compared to their blatant attempts at their clear one-upping’ the other person/people. I don’t want to “accidentally” one-up someone since I don’t’ know how I would feel if they challenged me so I am even more sensitive to ‘almost’ one-upping if that makes sense.

Yes, my boss is out of order when it came to blabbing about my personal business that I trusted her with, but I take it as.. well, she is 300 something Lbs and is very very, … unhappy with herself and she is totally into gossip. That’s just who she is, she won’t ever change and now I know better NOT to share anything of value with her (unless it’s work related). I thought I could trust her but I can’t, and I have learned a VERY hard lesson about not EVER sharing personal stuff with coworkers/bosses EVER again. Again, at a time and still maybe even now, I feel/felt like sharing a little more deeper things to a coworker shows I am NOT superficial and will add a depth not otherwise easily known but I KNOW I HAVE to absolutely RESIST thinking that way...it may be hard at my next job in Sept but I NEED TO! (I have to suppress my introvert side on that LoL!).. I know that is my introvert side trying to get “to a deeper connection” which I have never had with coworkers, bosses, or many friends/people. Maybe like 2 friends, but nothing significant as they were alcoholics like me at the time.

Thank you so much for your help!! I am really looking forward to more of your responses!

 

[sugarplum1]

hi sugarplum,
I am in a similar situation myself. I have started to feel the old panic creep back in while at work, so I am going to take in a much smaller version of my "Calm Box" with me. It consists of things that will work my brain and calm me at the same time, like puzzles and math problems, and things with scents and textures that are soothing. I also plan to tell my employer what is going on with me so I don't have to worry about my calm box being misinterpreted as goofing off.

Don't worry about talking about yourself, or bragging. This is not natural to you.

Doing things to calm yourself will be most helpful, I think.

Hi Rosewood! Thank you for replying to me! =) Sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation.. your ‘Calm Box’ sounds like a really cute and great idea! Be careful about oversharing with your boss though (I don’t know what type of relationship you have with him/her but that was my problem, that I overshared but that is my (half) introvert nature to be deep and want a connection.. but in any case, I think that’s great that you have your Calm Box as a way to relax you! Everytime you look into it, that's your little slice of heaven/peace =) I wish more people would adopt such a sweet and healthy outlet like your Calm Box, rather than gossiping/taking it out on others! What types of smells/textures do you have in your calm box if you don't mind me asking? If you don't want to share, I understand it's personal and I won't take it personally!

Also, I know that lavender is an acquired smell and I don’t know if you are into that, but my mom bought me some lavender smells in the past (and even a lavender soothing eye patch for sleeping) cause lavender is supposed to be naturally calming. It helps for sure, but in combination with overall wellness for example, eating healthy and exercising, it won't instantly make you zen-like/totally at peace by itself. I have also been practicing some light guided Meditation (which is supposed to work wonders for sufferers of anxiety). I also pray a lot as I am a Christian so talking to God helps (not trying to force my views onto you, hope this doesn’t offend you, just trying to share what really helps me).

Thank you for saying ‘not’ to worry about talking about myself cause I TOOOTALLY DO! -_- lol but it's comforting to know that I don't "need" to brag about myself.. I do need to work on "wearing different types of hats" (as mentioned, I only have one type of hat.. but to protect myself, I think it may be good to develop different types of hats (easier said than done, and how thee heeck do I do that?! LoL). I do feel it is important to share with others as I know that others will feel more comfortable around me if I make them feel comfortable around me lol, which is to seem more relatable/relaxed around them.

Thanks again Rosewood for replying to me! =)
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