Severe OCD attacks about fear of cheating

[Youg]

Hello fellow sufferers,

I have OCD on many different subjects. Contamination OCD, but also sometimes severe guilt towards my girlfriend. I hope you will read my story and maybe give some advice.

Saturday night I went to a party of some students of the same faculty as I went to. I’m graduated so I don’t know them that well since we never had the same classes. My friends and I split up and it is always easier to talk to strangers when you’re a little lose through some alcohol.

I ended up drinking bizarre amounts of alcohol because some people were doing a drinking game and I was tipsy and happy enough to think it was a good idea to join them. It was a drinking game with vodka, so it was a very bad decision to join.

I went to a couch to rest after the alcohol just hit me like a brick. I couldn’t talk properly and I felt really sad and miserable all of a sudden. Then my ex girlfriend comes to me and started talking to me. I send my brother a text message that I want to leave. The next 5 or 10 minutes are extremely vague and blurry and I cannot remember a lot. My ex told me she and her boyfriend split up a month ago and she was very sad about it. I told her something like how she is “such a wonderful pretty girl” or something of those words and that I hoped she would soon find some guy who would make her happy. I gave her a hug or a kiss or something, but I CANNOT REMEMBER EXACTLY!!! That is so horrible. I hope I gave her a hug or three kisses on the cheeks, but I’m so scared she kissed me on the mouth or I kissed her. She always seems to make advances on me when I see her, and that’s why I thought it could be a possibility. On the other hand, she slept with some guy at the party, so it would be highly unlikely she would also hit on me. Still, I don’t know………

OK, Yesterday and today I talked to my brother about it, and he said that I have nothing to worry about and that nothing happened and he would bet his foot (!) on it. Haha. Still, he wasn’t there 100% of the time when I talked to her. He told me I was never alone with her and that I didn’t kiss her when he was there.

I also called my ex today who said that according to her nothing happened and I have nothing to worry about. But she also said she was very drunk and things were also blurry for her. She said I didn’t kiss her and she was absolutely sure about it. But then she said: “maybe an (accidental) short kiss?” WTF! I know I didn’t kiss her with tongue and stuff, but I want to make sure my lips didn’t touch hers. Even if our lips would touch slightly I would feel horribly guilty towards my girlfriend.

I went home absolutely panicking and crying. I came home where my girlfriend was sleeping and I couldn’t stop shaking, crying or control my breathing.

Yesterday (Sunday, the day after) I didn’t ate anything except for one sandwich. I did eat dinner though, but that is not a lot of food for a guy of 6’4 and 85 kilograms.

This morning I thought I would pass out because of my panic attacks and lack of eating and sleeping.

Tomorrow I will see my therapist about this. Still I feel horrible. I’m not even hungry while I only ate a few nuts today.

I cannot talk about this with my girlfriend because she is highly sensitive and maybe a bit insecure. So there is a possibility I would hurt her and our relationship would come in trouble when it is maybe only my OCD. Or she would think I’m insane.

I hope you have some advice.

Cheers,

Youg

 

[GraceKelly]

I would say go back and read everything you just wrote. You completely absolved yourself. In any case, cheating is all about intention. Reading what you just said, you sound like you are just a nice guy who was trying to console an ex in a very innocent manner. There was no intent to take anything any further so you didn't.

You said it yourself, it is ONLY your OCD talking, which probably stems from your fear of losing what you have - your present girlfriend. You're not trusting yourself which plants a seed in your subconscious that something happened that didn't.

However, I would be examining your feelings about the ex. Is the reason the guilt is so strong because you still have feelings for her? And are afraid you may have acted on them? You can love two people at once. It's completely possible...and it's okay. You don't just stop loving someone after the relationship is over. You may not want to be with her, but it's okay to still care.

I had something similar happen to me while drinking once...I acted out of character, my mind was fuzzy, and I was embarrassed. Beat myself up for it for YEARS and even let my fuzzy memory confuse me into thinking that I had even done something worse than what I thought. What got me over it? Overcoming all the self-talk and realizing that it didn't matter anyway. If I had done what I thought, the repercussions would have followed me the next day. People would have been talking. The person I thought something happened with would definitely have said something about it later. Came to realize it was all just because I despised cheating because I was afraid it would happen to me, but I was also afraid I would do it because I had a mild attraction for the person in question. Confusing...but in the end, it was "just my imagination".

Definitely don't talk about this with your girlfriend. Just sort out what your feelings are about this ex...if there is nothing there, there's nothing wrong.

 

[Youg]

Thank you for your reply. To be honest I don't have any feelings for my ex except for maybe nostalgia. I still think she’s physically attractive, but you just cannot shut that up. I know I don’t want to be with my ex. She drove me insane and I didn’t really wanted to talk to her on the party. I just want her to be happy.

I love my current girlfriend so extremely much and I don’t want to betrayal her. She is the sweetest thing and very supportive of me and my OCD. I don’t tell her everything and I don’t want to tell her this. She is the total package. And that's why I'm so scared and worked up. ::

 

[GraceKelly]

Yeah, I think if you told her that, she might have a hard time understanding. It's hard not to be jealous of ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends, but it would be even harder on her to hear that you're not sure if you did something stupid or not...even if it was just a kiss.

Someone once taught me how to do some visualization technique so I would quit obsessing about things from my past. It's kind of corny, but it does help. You're supposed to sit quietly, close your eyes and imagine a snapshot from your life that is causing you grief. Then you are supposed to imagine a hammer hitting it, breaking it into a thousand pieces...and then you visualize with each breath you exhale that you are blowing those pieces further and further away.

I don't think it completely works very well for eliminating something negative, but it does help you deal with the problem a little better...like you are just willing away the bad stuff. Cheesy as hell, right? But it does help. ;-)