Self-sabotage?

[theslowesthand]

I've been in an LDR for 2 1/2 months, and apparently she's "head over heels" for me, and wants to "drop everything" and come over to my country to live with me. The problem is, it seems that i'm secretly trying to sabotage things before we meet (have been considering flying her over, at large cost, to live with me). I seem to be wanting to "nit-pick" over every damn little thing, and being too critical/negative (eg 'it probably won't work out', 'i couldn't live with a woman', 'she'll be bored living with me', 'i'm too moody', etc, etc)

Would this be self-sabotage? Or due having no faith that anything will ever going right for me? Being over-cautious? Being scared of the real problems that could/will arise? Low self-confidence? Fear that once it's "all-go" there's no going back? Or what?
Also, this is my very first "relationship" ever, so could it be that i "expect" it to completely "flop"?

And the big question is should i do it? Already some changes in my "hoarders" house are upsetting me, and that just tip-of-iceberg of what i need to do to make my flat into something fit for a woman to live. I'm having considerable doubts about it. It'll be the biggest change ever in my life, and i can't handle change (it upsets me, and sometimes i get depressed again). For me hapiness = no change, and change = unhapiness. It's going from NO-to-GO, ZERO-to-HERO, and i am fearing that it'll cause me great suffering on a number of fronts. So at the moment, even though she desperately wants to be with me, i don't feel the same (or maybe only occasionally), and i'm currently thinking 'maybe not'

Also, on another note, she is Russian (a blue-eyed blonde beauty of 30 yrs), but i don't know why on her connection site profile her location was Berlin, Germany?? (i have asked her about this in my last email). So i've been "checking her out" in all ways possible (email headers, IP address, & doing various other things that scam sites recommend). So far she does seem legit (apart from the Germany thing, there has been absolutely nothing to "suggest" to me scam). Her last email to me had her list all the things she needs to do to get her passport/etc .. and the costs. Accordingly to her she spends every last penny of her wages on rent/etc, food, clothes,.. I suppose a lot of young women do that? But i've suggested to her that to "prove" to me how much she wants to be with me, she should save up & cover all those costs herself, and i'll fork-out on the mamoth air-fares (we're on oppsite sides of globe, almost exactly), which will "clean me out" of all of my savings, and then that'll be just the start of the money i'm gonna have to spend on her! (gulp)

Basically i'm very skeptical about whether it's worth having a woman - any woman, even local - in my life

Would really appreciate some wise help at this crossroads in my life...

 

[Nack]

You should try chatting with her live through video feed and such. If all you see is photos and emails, then I wouldn't suggest it... Seeing her through a webcam and hearing her voice through mic; chatting even, before you decide to do anything such as what you're planning :\

 

[Lea]

Whose idea it was that she comes to visit you? Hers apparently. She wants to come to you, you not so keen on it. So why should she expect you to pay her expenses?? In my opinion she should do that herself. Especially the russians and girls from the east are known for seeking relationships/marriage with western men who have money, or seek ways to get abroad. Maybe she is really in love, but who knows maybe she is just seeking for the way to get abroad/easy money.

 

[Brokenx]

Whose idea it was that she comes to visit you? Hers apparently. She wants to come to you, you not so keen on it. So why should she expect you to pay her expenses?? In my opinion she should do that herself. Especially the russians and girls from the east are known for seeking relationships/marriage with western men who have money, or seek ways to get abroad. Maybe she is really in love, but who knows maybe she is just seeking for the way to get abroad/easy money.

I'm with Lea on this, if i was you i would pay for nothing. If she wants to come and see you she should pay the expenses herself, start as you mean to go on i say, you should tell her that you're not willing to pay for flights, passports or anything like that..

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Also, on another note, she is Russian (a blue-eyed blonde beauty of 30 yrs), but i don't know why on her connection site profile her location was Berlin, Germany?? (i have asked her about this in my last email). So i've been "checking her out" in all ways possible (email headers, IP address, & doing various other things that scam sites recommend). So far she does seem legit (apart from the Germany thing, there has been absolutely nothing to "suggest" to me scam). Her last email to me had her list all the things she needs to do to get her passport/etc .. and the costs. Accordingly to her she spends every last penny of her wages on rent/etc, food, clothes,.. I suppose a lot of young women do that? But i've suggested to her that to "prove" to me how much she wants to be with me, she should save up & cover all those costs herself, and i'll fork-out on the mamoth air-fares (we're on oppsite sides of globe, almost exactly), which will "clean me out" of all of my savings, and then that'll be just the start of the money i'm gonna have to spend on her! (gulp)

My advice: bail out now. A friend of mine was fool enough to be snared by a Filipino girl in a very very similar situation. Once he'd forked over all the huge amounts of money needed for her expenses and finally flew her over here, she reluctantly spent a couple of months with him, then moved several states away to live with friends (which had clearly been her plan all along), declaring that the work possibilities were better there. She is still stringing him along, promising to move to where he is and breaking that promise repeatedly. It's been almost 3 years now. She has him so bad that he still believes her promises each time. It's because he wants to believe so badly. Like you do.

I met her once and the conversation mostly consisted of her basically spamming me in person trying to suggest I hook up with one of her friends, who would no doubt try the same crap with me. I wasn't buying.

It's a way girls who live in poor countries have of making better their situation through seduction and deception. Both Russian and Filipino girls are infamous for doing this sort of thing--perhaps that's why her profile reads Germany.

 

[unleashed]

even if she wasnt russian which automatically suggests ulterior motives (because hey thats just the way it is) its so damn hard to make it work in reality. ive left my homeleand, given up my job and flat which came at a VERY high price (effort wise) to be with this man i thought i loved and most days i do still think i love him but i can't really see what he is doing to get us out of the situation we are in (basically homeless and jobless) and now all my money has gone. i still have a return ticket for 20 march but thats ALL i have now (and a bag of clothes). i have nowhere to go when i get back home, nowhere to stay..i risked everything for this and feel like such a fíng idiot! it depends how much youre prepared to gamble on it, how much you have to lose, what you will have left in the worst case scenario. i do believe that coming here was self sabotage because i KNEW he was addicted and shiz so i dont really understand why on earth i did it except that my desire to run away from every situation kind of helped..and yeah now i want out of this one too. long walk, short pier?

 

[theslowesthand]

I'm still very much in 2-minds about it all. I mean, even if she is legit, and has minimal baggage/bad-ways/etc, and we are great together, she is still a woman. And of course with being a woman (better than "girl" though) there comes a GREAT DEAL of "stuff" that i will need to learn to handle .. and QUICK-SMART!!!

I've been going over and over and over all the pros/cons i can think of, to try to help me make a decision, as well as following my gut-instincts, feelings, worries/concerns, etc. I think i know some of the pros/benefits (passion, sex, love, intimacy, beauty, affection, company, support, stimulation). However for me personally, the compromises i would have to make (i feel) are STAGGERING. But who knows, my mind (being critical/hypersenstive/ hypervigilant) might just be over-exaggerrating all the negative/con things (& my pessimism could be under-exaggerrating the positives/pros). Since i've never had a relationship (haven't even been on a date), maybe my pre-judging beliefs are probably of marginal relevance here?. And maybe my feelings side might be more accurate (gut-instinct/etc) than my logic, or limited women-wisdom that i have?

I told her that i cannot bring her over until i am/feel completely ready, in spite of her obvious & apparent urgency/readiness right now, and i am sticking to that. If it means we won't meet up until 6 months from now, that's fine, i can wait (as i've been waiting 37 years to get a girlfriend so what another few months (ha))

So i will continue with this "waiting" for now, avoiding any hasty/impulsive decisions, and see how things pan-out over the next few weeks/months. And hopefully within that time, i will reach a point where i can make a wise informed "concrete" decision about which way to go...

 

[dooby-duck]

I think that sounds like a good plan, there is no need to move too quickly. It is something that you need to approach with eyes wide open. I'd beware of the money situation though, and the German IP address. I'm suspicious by nature and maybe jumping to the wrong conclusions, and obviously only know what you have writen, but there are people who are desperate enough to get what they want that they wouldn't think twice about hurting others.