ghostpicnic
Active member
I just read http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder ... and I think I meet most of the criteria.
I think I was narcissistic and manipulative my entire childhood... Being praised for "accidents" (things I was born with... like my talents) and being singled out of the rest of the kids for such... I believe planted a seed for narcissism for later on... I always believed other kids were jealous of the attention I received... so later on I tried to hide my talents...
I remember always thinking of my parents as unworthy of parenting, hence unworthy of raising me... maybe because of their flaws... I read in a book about some parents having children grow up quickly to be able to be taken care of as a child themselves because they lacked it as a child... a never-ending cycle? I do remember them constantly telling me that I should be making efforts to taking care of them, not the other way around.
Another thing... they never showed me love... always harsh abusive punishment. Maybe once or twice they did... they did probably love me... (though even now as of age 21... I can't really feel that connected to them... I probably separated myself from them as a defense mechanism from the moment I felt I needed to) but I read an article explaining that despite parents possibly really loving their child, not showing it would cause complications... They were highly critical and scrutinizing that... I realized later I might have gotten such traits from them... I realized I wasn't a very loving person or showed affection in times where affection showing was necessary... (I remember being accused of this by a friend... which is when I realized how I tried to stifle such things subconsciously just like my parents did). I'm also very critical and scrutinizing.
Then I believe my narcissism gave way to heavy depression and anxiety once I was a teen... that is when peers began to react negatively towards my behavior and personality. Being unable to cope with sudden changes due to possibly lacking fundamentals of functional healthy interrelationships, I was mostly alone nearly all my teenage years and in heavy depression... I believe I was even more narcissistic as I was highly cynical and distrustful of others... undermining others most likely to compensate for my sufferings and their rejections.
I grew extremely low in self esteem... as I wasn't sure where the problems were coming from... I would obsess over things like my looks, believing that if I looked better, people would like me more.
As of now, I don't blame my parents or anything now that I'm aware that all the responsibilities of the decisions of my behavior rests on me, but I believe I still lack the fundamentals for self respect.
If I were to diagnose myself, I believe I have neurosis of obsessive-compulsive and social anxiety, and narcissism.
As for the narcissistic part... I do not love myself... but I have these symptoms:
1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (key word: sense...)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique (I think we are all unique... but such belief causes me to pay excessive attention to myself?)
4. requires excessive admiration (I don't know about this part... but whenever someone is nice to me... I believe it is admiration rather than genuine friendliness... as I try to do my best in most things, most of the time...)
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative (maybe I just seek approval from others... hence exploiting their attention?)
7. lacks empathy (I don't know about this either... being critical and scrutinizing makes me lack empathy perhaps?)
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Most of these symptoms trigger when my subconscious is trying to balance out my anxieties and low self esteem... perhaps obsessively.
The half of the stuff I state here is what I've come up with recently...
I guess what I'm seeking is what might others think of all this... I feel I come into realizations and awareness the more I interact with others and the knowledge... I am feeling rather desperate right now... currently being picked on... singled out... and harassed.
Would medication help me recognize my flaws more clearly? Maybe if I wasn't so emotionally desperate...
I don't know if my problems are relevant to social anxiety (though I do have it)... and not sure if anyone can relate at all... I felt that my problems were related to socializing so deemed it on topic.
Even at this moment... I feel anyone who comes upon this will think that I'm some arrogant and insufferable person... and I'm not entirely sure if I'm being delusional or if such suspecting is true... I mean... I do feel as if I lack certain qualities that others might have... maybe humility? I'm always justifying myself... I never saw any wrong with that... maybe it's just not a positive quality... would that make it my fault or the perceiver's?[/i]
I think I was narcissistic and manipulative my entire childhood... Being praised for "accidents" (things I was born with... like my talents) and being singled out of the rest of the kids for such... I believe planted a seed for narcissism for later on... I always believed other kids were jealous of the attention I received... so later on I tried to hide my talents...
I remember always thinking of my parents as unworthy of parenting, hence unworthy of raising me... maybe because of their flaws... I read in a book about some parents having children grow up quickly to be able to be taken care of as a child themselves because they lacked it as a child... a never-ending cycle? I do remember them constantly telling me that I should be making efforts to taking care of them, not the other way around.
Another thing... they never showed me love... always harsh abusive punishment. Maybe once or twice they did... they did probably love me... (though even now as of age 21... I can't really feel that connected to them... I probably separated myself from them as a defense mechanism from the moment I felt I needed to) but I read an article explaining that despite parents possibly really loving their child, not showing it would cause complications... They were highly critical and scrutinizing that... I realized later I might have gotten such traits from them... I realized I wasn't a very loving person or showed affection in times where affection showing was necessary... (I remember being accused of this by a friend... which is when I realized how I tried to stifle such things subconsciously just like my parents did). I'm also very critical and scrutinizing.
Then I believe my narcissism gave way to heavy depression and anxiety once I was a teen... that is when peers began to react negatively towards my behavior and personality. Being unable to cope with sudden changes due to possibly lacking fundamentals of functional healthy interrelationships, I was mostly alone nearly all my teenage years and in heavy depression... I believe I was even more narcissistic as I was highly cynical and distrustful of others... undermining others most likely to compensate for my sufferings and their rejections.
I grew extremely low in self esteem... as I wasn't sure where the problems were coming from... I would obsess over things like my looks, believing that if I looked better, people would like me more.
As of now, I don't blame my parents or anything now that I'm aware that all the responsibilities of the decisions of my behavior rests on me, but I believe I still lack the fundamentals for self respect.
If I were to diagnose myself, I believe I have neurosis of obsessive-compulsive and social anxiety, and narcissism.
As for the narcissistic part... I do not love myself... but I have these symptoms:
1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (key word: sense...)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique (I think we are all unique... but such belief causes me to pay excessive attention to myself?)
4. requires excessive admiration (I don't know about this part... but whenever someone is nice to me... I believe it is admiration rather than genuine friendliness... as I try to do my best in most things, most of the time...)
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative (maybe I just seek approval from others... hence exploiting their attention?)
7. lacks empathy (I don't know about this either... being critical and scrutinizing makes me lack empathy perhaps?)
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Most of these symptoms trigger when my subconscious is trying to balance out my anxieties and low self esteem... perhaps obsessively.
The half of the stuff I state here is what I've come up with recently...
I guess what I'm seeking is what might others think of all this... I feel I come into realizations and awareness the more I interact with others and the knowledge... I am feeling rather desperate right now... currently being picked on... singled out... and harassed.
Would medication help me recognize my flaws more clearly? Maybe if I wasn't so emotionally desperate...
I don't know if my problems are relevant to social anxiety (though I do have it)... and not sure if anyone can relate at all... I felt that my problems were related to socializing so deemed it on topic.
Even at this moment... I feel anyone who comes upon this will think that I'm some arrogant and insufferable person... and I'm not entirely sure if I'm being delusional or if such suspecting is true... I mean... I do feel as if I lack certain qualities that others might have... maybe humility? I'm always justifying myself... I never saw any wrong with that... maybe it's just not a positive quality... would that make it my fault or the perceiver's?[/i]
