bri
New member
I'll try and be brief, but it's a long one coming...
I'm 35, openly gay, living in NYC. I haven't always been socially anxious. As a teenager I was very outgoing. When I went to college I became a pothead. A part of me wonders if that plays a part in my anxiety... I do sometimes feel more "myself" if I go long periods of time without it. I'm very charming when I'm high, and I have a high need for social approval, and when sober, I just can't match that. If I'm going to a party, or sometimes even just to meet up with someone or be in a crowded enclosed space (I'm almost always OK in an outdoors setting), I'll smoke pot to feel better.
I went to a university that's got a top-notch reputation, in Boston. I studied very hard, I was active in clubs etc. Great GPA. I always sorta hated this college though -- I was also a closet case, and gays weren't very welcome nor abundant there as it was a Catholic Jesuit university. I repressed my sexuality so much, that I didn't even consider the idea of my being gay. I came from a Catholic family, where just saying the word "sex" was taboo -- so it made for lots of discomfort, since a big part of being gay is who you are attracted to, sexually too.
My junior year summer I had a nervous breakdown. I didn't want to go back to my same college -- at all. I decided I hated the university so much that I'd never forgive myself if I had "their diploma on my wall", as it were. It was a Catholic university, and my resentment had grown so much against the church over the time there... Also I had gone there without having a Catholic "background" per se -- that is, I went to public schools where I ended up, for whatever reasons, having more Jewish friends than Catholics, so it wasn't a Catholic "atmosphere. But my parents just wanted me to graduate and "forced" me back up to Boston as they wouldn't consider my alternative ideas, such as transferring to Rutgers to finish school
I went up to Boston, but cried and called home every day. Eventually my parents were like, OK, you can come home. I did, and when I got back, I immediately felt like a loser the moment I stepped thru my parents' front door. I'm not close with my family, they're far from encouraging and supporting, and I could read in their faces their discomfort, and I interpreted it as shame -- and they didn't know how to make me feel better, so my self-esteem worsened, and since I was ashamed too, there was no cure for me. I felt like, here I was, everyone had had such high expectations for me, and now I had nothing -- because my identity is very much identified with accomplishment on the outside.
The autumn home was awful. I was in a major depression, suicidal. I decided to apply to NYU to finish school. I wanted to study film anyway; I also loved NYC. I was accepted, but my self worth had sunk so much, that I had doubts I would even get in -- even with my great GPA, etc.! NYU is a great school, but at the time 13 years+ ago, it was a step-down from my own university I'd been attending.
While there my social phobia exploded. I felt ashamed I had taken a "Step-down" from my last school. Also I was getting closer to coming out, so I was uncomfortable with (mostly) men, especially gay men or any man I was very attracted to. Some classes I never really spoke out in class. Previously I was always active. If I did speak out now, my heart would race if I had to wait to speak, maybe because a prof called on others first. Anticipation killed me. And doing a personal group presentation was awful too. Blushing, sweating, etc. So, I held back and restricted opportunity and growth.
Then came panic attacks, etc. I had my first job after graduating. Sometimes I would have a panic attack. Sweating profusely and not knowing why. I was in therapy nearly 3x a week and on anti-depression, with a bipolar diagnosis... I guess I thought on the one hand it was just a symptom of my major depression/bipolar. Also I was ashamed. It's horrible that a social dehibiliating condition like social phobia is so hard to own up to others...because it involves sharing this with another person -- the very thing you fear!
I was accepted into film grad school, and my self esteem went back up. It was NYU Film. At the same time I started taking Klonopin, so it helped so much. I became an addict. It's tough, looking back, to know if there were specific situations that bothered me after that. I was very active in school. Interestingly though: I wanted to be a filmmaker, but chose screenwriting because then I could be alone, and if I was "odd', that was OK -- that's how many perceive writers to be like. It's acceptable to be a hermit writer. My social phobia was restricting my dreams.
Most phobia at that point was related to my being gay. I had come out to friends and family...as bisexual, because I wasn't sure still.. or maybe too afraid to "take the leap".
After grad school I moved to LA. I was proud I was taking the steps I needed to take for my career. Social phobia wasn't such a problem there. I was a real Xanax popper though. I do remember being very anxious at such places as the gym when friends would see me and come over to chat. It was a very gay gym, I was very out. But probably because at the gym everyone's doing their own thing, here we are the only ones standing there and talking -- the fear was all eyes were on me.. even though at a gym everyone is just staring at themselves in a mirror! It was almost like public speaking shame.
Things didn't go that poorly for me in LA and my career... but I now know: if I had been less socially anxious, probably my film writing career would have progressed better, but it certainly wasn't suffering that badly. The blushing and sweating were sometimes around -- but nothing like I experience today.
In the end, as success got nearer, I made the impulsive decision to return to NYC...to follow the first real boyfriend I had -- who was a mess and didn't even commit to me that much! Part of the impulsion was a bipolar thing, also borderline personality too (yeah, I've got those going for me too...) Looking back, it's my biggest regret.
Back in NYC I pretty much stopped writing, except in spurts. I knew from having been in LA, you need to be in LA to have a better chance at film success since EVERYONE you meet there is somehow connected. Back in NYC, my social phobia worsened. In many ways it was related to my returning home after dropping out from school briefly. I felt ashamed, that I had "traded down" again.
It's been 6 years since being back. Sometimes life was good and my public speaking was impressive -- but again, I was souped on many pharmaceuticals. A few years ago that boy I followed back to NYC died, traumatically. I was in pretty bad grief after that. Six months later I was laid off, then 6 months after that I was hospitalized for psychiatric reasons. Just writing all this, I can see how problematic my life has been.
For the past two years I held down a job in real estate, didn't do so great as I found it sleazy. Last year I stopped all my Xanax. I had become an addict. But afterwards, all that social phobia I had treated with Xanax rushed in. I was scared of running into people I knew but hadn't seen in a few years, who knew me when expectations had been high, but know that real estate in NYC, especially the low end I was at, is sorta pathetic. It was status shame. Of course by last summer, I couldn't even work at all. I was terrified of going into the office, which was busy and filled with sociable sales people i was terrified would at any moment chat me up, and I was there in a tiny confining cubicle. And with clients -- forget it. When we were outdoors it was ok, but in an apartment I was a mess. That's always been an issue for me. Inside a space, especially the more confined that it is, I'm a mess -- outdoors with others though I am perfectly fine. Anyone else have that issue? Almost like a sorta social claustrophobia thing?
I'm ashamed of where I am in life, career-wise, and fearful now every time the topic comes up unless the person really knows why I am where I am, but those are very few -- just a couple of friends and my parents. Otherwise, I put up a good false front with other friends, but I live in fear of being "found out" -- for my career "failures" (having once been a person others saw would be successful, including myself), and I guess, being so phobic and bipolar and borderline.
My symptoms include blushing, sweating, rapid heartbeat, difficulty concentrating.
I find some yoga classes very helpful. For a couple hours after I am really grounded and comfortable. But it goes away. Living in NYC is stressful too -- all the people, all very assertive. Also group therapy has been good. And just being honest and open about it with others. I really see it as closely related to coming out of the closet. If you hide it, then it's shameful.
Sorry this was SUCH a long post. Any replies VERY much appreciated. I hope others can relate to something here too...
I'm 35, openly gay, living in NYC. I haven't always been socially anxious. As a teenager I was very outgoing. When I went to college I became a pothead. A part of me wonders if that plays a part in my anxiety... I do sometimes feel more "myself" if I go long periods of time without it. I'm very charming when I'm high, and I have a high need for social approval, and when sober, I just can't match that. If I'm going to a party, or sometimes even just to meet up with someone or be in a crowded enclosed space (I'm almost always OK in an outdoors setting), I'll smoke pot to feel better.
I went to a university that's got a top-notch reputation, in Boston. I studied very hard, I was active in clubs etc. Great GPA. I always sorta hated this college though -- I was also a closet case, and gays weren't very welcome nor abundant there as it was a Catholic Jesuit university. I repressed my sexuality so much, that I didn't even consider the idea of my being gay. I came from a Catholic family, where just saying the word "sex" was taboo -- so it made for lots of discomfort, since a big part of being gay is who you are attracted to, sexually too.
My junior year summer I had a nervous breakdown. I didn't want to go back to my same college -- at all. I decided I hated the university so much that I'd never forgive myself if I had "their diploma on my wall", as it were. It was a Catholic university, and my resentment had grown so much against the church over the time there... Also I had gone there without having a Catholic "background" per se -- that is, I went to public schools where I ended up, for whatever reasons, having more Jewish friends than Catholics, so it wasn't a Catholic "atmosphere. But my parents just wanted me to graduate and "forced" me back up to Boston as they wouldn't consider my alternative ideas, such as transferring to Rutgers to finish school
I went up to Boston, but cried and called home every day. Eventually my parents were like, OK, you can come home. I did, and when I got back, I immediately felt like a loser the moment I stepped thru my parents' front door. I'm not close with my family, they're far from encouraging and supporting, and I could read in their faces their discomfort, and I interpreted it as shame -- and they didn't know how to make me feel better, so my self-esteem worsened, and since I was ashamed too, there was no cure for me. I felt like, here I was, everyone had had such high expectations for me, and now I had nothing -- because my identity is very much identified with accomplishment on the outside.
The autumn home was awful. I was in a major depression, suicidal. I decided to apply to NYU to finish school. I wanted to study film anyway; I also loved NYC. I was accepted, but my self worth had sunk so much, that I had doubts I would even get in -- even with my great GPA, etc.! NYU is a great school, but at the time 13 years+ ago, it was a step-down from my own university I'd been attending.
While there my social phobia exploded. I felt ashamed I had taken a "Step-down" from my last school. Also I was getting closer to coming out, so I was uncomfortable with (mostly) men, especially gay men or any man I was very attracted to. Some classes I never really spoke out in class. Previously I was always active. If I did speak out now, my heart would race if I had to wait to speak, maybe because a prof called on others first. Anticipation killed me. And doing a personal group presentation was awful too. Blushing, sweating, etc. So, I held back and restricted opportunity and growth.
Then came panic attacks, etc. I had my first job after graduating. Sometimes I would have a panic attack. Sweating profusely and not knowing why. I was in therapy nearly 3x a week and on anti-depression, with a bipolar diagnosis... I guess I thought on the one hand it was just a symptom of my major depression/bipolar. Also I was ashamed. It's horrible that a social dehibiliating condition like social phobia is so hard to own up to others...because it involves sharing this with another person -- the very thing you fear!
I was accepted into film grad school, and my self esteem went back up. It was NYU Film. At the same time I started taking Klonopin, so it helped so much. I became an addict. It's tough, looking back, to know if there were specific situations that bothered me after that. I was very active in school. Interestingly though: I wanted to be a filmmaker, but chose screenwriting because then I could be alone, and if I was "odd', that was OK -- that's how many perceive writers to be like. It's acceptable to be a hermit writer. My social phobia was restricting my dreams.
Most phobia at that point was related to my being gay. I had come out to friends and family...as bisexual, because I wasn't sure still.. or maybe too afraid to "take the leap".
After grad school I moved to LA. I was proud I was taking the steps I needed to take for my career. Social phobia wasn't such a problem there. I was a real Xanax popper though. I do remember being very anxious at such places as the gym when friends would see me and come over to chat. It was a very gay gym, I was very out. But probably because at the gym everyone's doing their own thing, here we are the only ones standing there and talking -- the fear was all eyes were on me.. even though at a gym everyone is just staring at themselves in a mirror! It was almost like public speaking shame.
Things didn't go that poorly for me in LA and my career... but I now know: if I had been less socially anxious, probably my film writing career would have progressed better, but it certainly wasn't suffering that badly. The blushing and sweating were sometimes around -- but nothing like I experience today.
In the end, as success got nearer, I made the impulsive decision to return to NYC...to follow the first real boyfriend I had -- who was a mess and didn't even commit to me that much! Part of the impulsion was a bipolar thing, also borderline personality too (yeah, I've got those going for me too...) Looking back, it's my biggest regret.
Back in NYC I pretty much stopped writing, except in spurts. I knew from having been in LA, you need to be in LA to have a better chance at film success since EVERYONE you meet there is somehow connected. Back in NYC, my social phobia worsened. In many ways it was related to my returning home after dropping out from school briefly. I felt ashamed, that I had "traded down" again.
It's been 6 years since being back. Sometimes life was good and my public speaking was impressive -- but again, I was souped on many pharmaceuticals. A few years ago that boy I followed back to NYC died, traumatically. I was in pretty bad grief after that. Six months later I was laid off, then 6 months after that I was hospitalized for psychiatric reasons. Just writing all this, I can see how problematic my life has been.
For the past two years I held down a job in real estate, didn't do so great as I found it sleazy. Last year I stopped all my Xanax. I had become an addict. But afterwards, all that social phobia I had treated with Xanax rushed in. I was scared of running into people I knew but hadn't seen in a few years, who knew me when expectations had been high, but know that real estate in NYC, especially the low end I was at, is sorta pathetic. It was status shame. Of course by last summer, I couldn't even work at all. I was terrified of going into the office, which was busy and filled with sociable sales people i was terrified would at any moment chat me up, and I was there in a tiny confining cubicle. And with clients -- forget it. When we were outdoors it was ok, but in an apartment I was a mess. That's always been an issue for me. Inside a space, especially the more confined that it is, I'm a mess -- outdoors with others though I am perfectly fine. Anyone else have that issue? Almost like a sorta social claustrophobia thing?
I'm ashamed of where I am in life, career-wise, and fearful now every time the topic comes up unless the person really knows why I am where I am, but those are very few -- just a couple of friends and my parents. Otherwise, I put up a good false front with other friends, but I live in fear of being "found out" -- for my career "failures" (having once been a person others saw would be successful, including myself), and I guess, being so phobic and bipolar and borderline.
My symptoms include blushing, sweating, rapid heartbeat, difficulty concentrating.
I find some yoga classes very helpful. For a couple hours after I am really grounded and comfortable. But it goes away. Living in NYC is stressful too -- all the people, all very assertive. Also group therapy has been good. And just being honest and open about it with others. I really see it as closely related to coming out of the closet. If you hide it, then it's shameful.
Sorry this was SUCH a long post. Any replies VERY much appreciated. I hope others can relate to something here too...
