JCS008
Well-known member
I have been suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for a few years quite some time now. It was not until these past few years though, as I learned more about OCD, that I realized that I have suffered from basic symptoms and traits my entire life.
A few extreme conditions and aspects of OCD that I currently suffer from are:
-The constant obsession that I could never be happy or that my life is going nowhere. I always feel trapped in an unsatisfactory life. What makes it worse is that I feel as if I am always being looked at others in a critical way. I just want a moment of peace. I always have a feeling that "there's something I have to do, but I just can't figure out what." Or something just isn't right and I cannot relax until I find out what that is. I actually cannot remember the last time I was able to wake up in the morning wihout feeling a sense of dread, unhappiness, or stress. These days I would give anything to wake just one morning without that feeling
-A major problem for me is the dependence on numbers. Whenever I am doing certain tasks, I always have to do it a certain number of times "until it feels just right." I find too much comfort in specific numbers. This goes as far as me always needing to list items and tasks in multiples of 5 or at the very least in even numbers. I also need to own certain numbers in even numbers.
-Probably my biggest problem is the constant need to always be perfect. All my poseesions always have to be in perfect order, symetrical, straight, clean, and undamaged. I cannot even buy certain items if they have scratches or marks on them. Unless my items are in perfect order I feel uneasy. This included lists that I have written, items I have in boxes, books/DVDs on my shelf, clothes in my closet, laundry and the overall orderof my room and house. I feel uncomfortable if someone else touches my things and it even gets to the point where once I have things arranged perfectly, I avoid the use of them.
-Somtimes when making sure something is symetrical, I always have to take deep breaths, stare and focus on that specific object. While doing this, I count to a specific number until I feel a temporary period of relief. I don't even know I I began doing this. Along the same lines, I also have to recite certain lists or phrases in my head to feel better as well.
-My whole life these days is reliant on lists. I have a small leather book with a notepad inside. On this notepad are lists that I depend on it seems. Lists of things I own, long term goals I want to accomplish, special items I always need to buy, things to do, etc. The only problem is I always have the feeling that I'm missing something that should be added to the list or that something needs to be changed. I understand its Ok to have a list of goals, but the constant worry prevents me from actually accomplishing these tasks.
Those are just a few of the major aspects of OCD that I suffer from on a regular basis. Of course no one knows about this but me. My family, my friends and anyone else in my life have no clue. I am sure they notice some of my tendancies, but they probably take it as me just being neat of neurotic. I guess its harder since I go to such great legnths to hide my OCD from everyone else. Not to mention that no one else is inside my head but me. I just cannot bring myself to let anyone else know.
I am embarassed, ashamed and too prideful to let anyone else know. Not to mention that I am worried about what other people will think of me. I just cannot bring myself to as for help. I hate asking for favors or being in debt to anyone. I do not want anyone worrying about me and pitying me. I end up hiding something that consumes my mind and thought process. It consumes my time and ym life. I'm at the point where I;'m lying constantly in order to hide my OCD. Basically I feel my whole life is one big lie.
This entire ordeal has just become too unbearable to handle. I am able to put on a good act of being happy and satisfied in the company of others, but inside I am always worried, stessed and wanting so badly to feel a moment of peace or at the very least a bit of satisfaction with my life. I hate whoe I am and have not been happy for a long time.
I feel like I am held hostage by OCD. I see people around me getting great jobs or promotions, married or engaged, meeting new people, trying new things, travelling to great places, buying property or new things, making more money, bettering themselves academically or physically and just overall being happy and doing something with their lives. But here I am stuck in neutral. Worrying about things that are not important. What makes things worse is that these are issues that I know I should not be worried about, but I just cannot control it. The opptimistic side of me feels that if I could just eliminate this ongoing doubt that I would be OK. But the pessmistic side of me feels that I'll never be able to overcome this and will have to deal with OCD for the rest of my life.
I have been trying really hard to overcome this. I bought a book on OCD a few months back. I read through the book, which helped me understand OCD better. Also, I tried several of the recomended exercises, whcih did offer some temporary relief, but not much more than that. I know I have to be able to live with uncertainint, but its just so hard for me. I do not want to be on medication and I cannot afford therapy. I'm left wondering what is out there for me.
Everyday is filled with worry for me. I am unhappy and depressed. I am moody around my family, I isolate my friends, I haven't been in a stable relationship for almost two years now. My career is hurting and have been unemployed for a few months now. Each day I am digging myself into a hole. I am so embrassed of myself that everything is a lie. It is so ironic that I have a small notepad book listing everything I want to do in my life, but I never begin, since I spend too much time stressing over the list, making sure every task or ideal is on it. I sit here worrying that I am forgetting something of that there's always something else that needs to be done. I am in the race 0of my life, but I feel as if I'm not even competing. I'm just on the sidelines watching my life and the world around me go by.
The thing though is that I know I haven't caught a bad break. Everyone goes thought tough times in their life. My life hasn't even been that bad. I grew up in a good family that had enough money to live comfortably. I always had friends throughout my entire life. I've been relatively healthy, aside from the OCD. I've had several serious relationships. I know some have it better, but some have it worse. I am an average guy, I get it. Never the most popular or never the outcast. I don't blame anyone else for what I have and I don't feel sorry for myself. It's frustrating that I just can't get over it. I should be able to overcome OCD, but I just can't. No matter how hard I try, I just go back to these habits. I would give anything to get ride of this feeling and the constant doubt "that I'm forgetting to do something" or "that something is missing." Something is obviously missing: a life and happiness. I need to get over it. I'm hoping there are answers out there for me. Because I'm at a low right that and there's almost no hope in sight.
A few extreme conditions and aspects of OCD that I currently suffer from are:
-The constant obsession that I could never be happy or that my life is going nowhere. I always feel trapped in an unsatisfactory life. What makes it worse is that I feel as if I am always being looked at others in a critical way. I just want a moment of peace. I always have a feeling that "there's something I have to do, but I just can't figure out what." Or something just isn't right and I cannot relax until I find out what that is. I actually cannot remember the last time I was able to wake up in the morning wihout feeling a sense of dread, unhappiness, or stress. These days I would give anything to wake just one morning without that feeling
-A major problem for me is the dependence on numbers. Whenever I am doing certain tasks, I always have to do it a certain number of times "until it feels just right." I find too much comfort in specific numbers. This goes as far as me always needing to list items and tasks in multiples of 5 or at the very least in even numbers. I also need to own certain numbers in even numbers.
-Probably my biggest problem is the constant need to always be perfect. All my poseesions always have to be in perfect order, symetrical, straight, clean, and undamaged. I cannot even buy certain items if they have scratches or marks on them. Unless my items are in perfect order I feel uneasy. This included lists that I have written, items I have in boxes, books/DVDs on my shelf, clothes in my closet, laundry and the overall orderof my room and house. I feel uncomfortable if someone else touches my things and it even gets to the point where once I have things arranged perfectly, I avoid the use of them.
-Somtimes when making sure something is symetrical, I always have to take deep breaths, stare and focus on that specific object. While doing this, I count to a specific number until I feel a temporary period of relief. I don't even know I I began doing this. Along the same lines, I also have to recite certain lists or phrases in my head to feel better as well.
-My whole life these days is reliant on lists. I have a small leather book with a notepad inside. On this notepad are lists that I depend on it seems. Lists of things I own, long term goals I want to accomplish, special items I always need to buy, things to do, etc. The only problem is I always have the feeling that I'm missing something that should be added to the list or that something needs to be changed. I understand its Ok to have a list of goals, but the constant worry prevents me from actually accomplishing these tasks.
Those are just a few of the major aspects of OCD that I suffer from on a regular basis. Of course no one knows about this but me. My family, my friends and anyone else in my life have no clue. I am sure they notice some of my tendancies, but they probably take it as me just being neat of neurotic. I guess its harder since I go to such great legnths to hide my OCD from everyone else. Not to mention that no one else is inside my head but me. I just cannot bring myself to let anyone else know.
I am embarassed, ashamed and too prideful to let anyone else know. Not to mention that I am worried about what other people will think of me. I just cannot bring myself to as for help. I hate asking for favors or being in debt to anyone. I do not want anyone worrying about me and pitying me. I end up hiding something that consumes my mind and thought process. It consumes my time and ym life. I'm at the point where I;'m lying constantly in order to hide my OCD. Basically I feel my whole life is one big lie.
This entire ordeal has just become too unbearable to handle. I am able to put on a good act of being happy and satisfied in the company of others, but inside I am always worried, stessed and wanting so badly to feel a moment of peace or at the very least a bit of satisfaction with my life. I hate whoe I am and have not been happy for a long time.
I feel like I am held hostage by OCD. I see people around me getting great jobs or promotions, married or engaged, meeting new people, trying new things, travelling to great places, buying property or new things, making more money, bettering themselves academically or physically and just overall being happy and doing something with their lives. But here I am stuck in neutral. Worrying about things that are not important. What makes things worse is that these are issues that I know I should not be worried about, but I just cannot control it. The opptimistic side of me feels that if I could just eliminate this ongoing doubt that I would be OK. But the pessmistic side of me feels that I'll never be able to overcome this and will have to deal with OCD for the rest of my life.
I have been trying really hard to overcome this. I bought a book on OCD a few months back. I read through the book, which helped me understand OCD better. Also, I tried several of the recomended exercises, whcih did offer some temporary relief, but not much more than that. I know I have to be able to live with uncertainint, but its just so hard for me. I do not want to be on medication and I cannot afford therapy. I'm left wondering what is out there for me.
Everyday is filled with worry for me. I am unhappy and depressed. I am moody around my family, I isolate my friends, I haven't been in a stable relationship for almost two years now. My career is hurting and have been unemployed for a few months now. Each day I am digging myself into a hole. I am so embrassed of myself that everything is a lie. It is so ironic that I have a small notepad book listing everything I want to do in my life, but I never begin, since I spend too much time stressing over the list, making sure every task or ideal is on it. I sit here worrying that I am forgetting something of that there's always something else that needs to be done. I am in the race 0of my life, but I feel as if I'm not even competing. I'm just on the sidelines watching my life and the world around me go by.
The thing though is that I know I haven't caught a bad break. Everyone goes thought tough times in their life. My life hasn't even been that bad. I grew up in a good family that had enough money to live comfortably. I always had friends throughout my entire life. I've been relatively healthy, aside from the OCD. I've had several serious relationships. I know some have it better, but some have it worse. I am an average guy, I get it. Never the most popular or never the outcast. I don't blame anyone else for what I have and I don't feel sorry for myself. It's frustrating that I just can't get over it. I should be able to overcome OCD, but I just can't. No matter how hard I try, I just go back to these habits. I would give anything to get ride of this feeling and the constant doubt "that I'm forgetting to do something" or "that something is missing." Something is obviously missing: a life and happiness. I need to get over it. I'm hoping there are answers out there for me. Because I'm at a low right that and there's almost no hope in sight.
