School...again

[Tab]

So my classes start in September but I have to register for my courses in two days. I keep putting it off and off to look up the courses I want to take. I have to choose five courses but I know of 1 for sure. I've been taking Russian for the last 2 years and the professor is great and everything and she told us if we were continuing to the next year we should review over the summer. Well here we are in July and I haven't looked at any of it since March. Every time I think of looking at the book I feel sick. I can't describe the feeling. Any time I think of any thing I have to do for school I feel that way. I keep putting it off, I'm very big on procrastinating. Tomorrow I'm going to see some woman who helps me pick my courses. I don't want to get up early in the morning though, thats my main concern. It will be the first time in a while I have stepped foot onto that campus and each time I go there it reminds me of how much I hate it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I HATE going there. The only reason I keep at it is for my future, thats if I have one.

On a typical day I don't say anything to anyone and no one says anything to me. Everyday is the same thing. Me by myself, I see everyone else enjoying themselves talking with everyone else. I hate it. I remember last summer I thought maybe this year would be different from the last but it was even worse. This summer I don't dare think of anything good that might come out of me going back. I'm half way done and if I can pull off this year theres only one year left. After that I don't know what I'm going to do. What can you do with a Bachelor of Arts degree now a days?

Anyway, I'm dreading the fall and school and all that. No friends, no support, no fun, no nothing. Its only me. I wonder some times what a normal person who doesn't have SA would be like in my position, if they would be able to actually go to classes and try to do their best.

I've got nothing to look forward to. I'm trying to quit smoking but that failed today after 3 days. Once I go back to school I know I'm going to start drinking again. I can control it, it doesn't interfere with my daily life so its not really a problem (I usually drink late at night) I'm just thinking about how its not good for my health. But for the most part I have no life, no hobbies, no social life other than my 2 cousins which I am starting to get tired of. I need something.

Any comments would be nice, just don't tell me I should see a councilor cuz I'm not going to do that. I just wanted to tell my situation to someone who can relate or listen or know how I feel because theres no way I can tell these things to the people around me.

 

[autumn_82]

I know what you mean about the whole college experience. I'm still chipping away at college, which has taken me 8 years and counting, mostly due to SA. But choosing classes is no fun for me because of the fear and stress associated with it. I choose based on what I think I can pass, what seems to have the least awful professor, the least class participation, fewest presentations, and fewest writing assignments. It's an anxiety-fest.
I too, feel anxiety when I return to my campus. At first, I actually feel kinda elated, but that quickly wears off, and the reality sets in--the isolation, boredom, and pure stress. I walk through the buildings and feel this sense of dread and loneliness, some failure too.
Last year was hell in some ways. I have acquaintances, but they've never turned into friendships. A few times I've turned down invitations because I was too afraid to go (fear of failing the social encounters and the humiliation of that), so I spent many nights alone in my dorm room which I grew to hate. I spent nights crying and in horrible pain, just because of the hell of being alone constantly.
About putting off work because you dread it...that was me last summer. There was a paper I had to do to complete a class I took an incomplete in. I put it off until I only had about a month left in the summer just because the paper was for a professor I hated--whose class I felt awful entering every week. Even the professors I liked okay I felt terrified of, because I kept wondering how much they disliked me, and if they thought I was stupid, etc.
Haha, not the typical "college is the best time of your life" experience!

 

[Tab]

Well heres an up date, my schedule is pretty busy this year but I get tuesdays and fridays off plus weekends so I only have to be at school 3 days a week... at least thats how it is for now, who knows what the administration will do and fuck around with things.

and thanks for your reply autumn, i feel i'm the only one who goes through this since i never see anyone like myself...