Anonymous
Well-known member
I do believe that upbringing has alot to do with SA. Looking back now, my Mom had SA and depression. I'm 38, had SA for most of my life. I guess it came out when I was 12/13. Depressed and think about suicide at times. Only had 1 friend. Never had a GF, a date or sex. NEVER! My childhood was not happy. Lots of teasing and bullying at school, and my Mom was terminally ill.
And school was hard as it was. I was afraid of being called on. Could barely talk in class, and Public speaking class was a nightmare. During one speech the class was laughing at me, I couldn't get a word out. Imagine Ralph Kramdon....hamanannana. I would run to the bathroom and cry sometimes. I had to lift weights to get the bullies off my back. That's the only positive.
I went to college, I figured I could start over. Noone knew my past. A fresh start. My Mom passed away, that messed me up bad. Couldn't make friends, asked at least 10 girls out..nothing. The few girls who talked to me used me for my notes. I got depressed and my grades suffered. I lost the will to live and dropped out.
My Dad got me a job at his place. I learned something new then. I couldn't handle an ounce of stress. Between the SA and stress, I almost flipped out and quit after 10 months. After a failed attempt to go back to college (due to SA, got accepted but was to afraid to go back), I went back to work there part-time for 10 yrs. I saved some money because I barely went out, had no GF or friends, so where could I go. Going to the movies alone got depressing, seeing couples and friends enjoying themselves was painful.
Sometimes they would make me answer phones when they went to lunch. I have a fear of the phone. I only make a few calls a year, and can't answer a call. So this scared me. I couldn't even sit at the desk, I would pace the office. I would turn the answering machine on and take the messages that way. It's like I can barely speak, like I cant breath. Chest pains, weakness, cold sweats.
A few years ago I went out on several job interviews. My fear was overwhelming and I messed up all of them. I got panic attacks, I would get cramps and diarheaa. I would pace back and forth for hours and couldn't sleep the day before. After one interview, I ate a whole chocolate cake. I gave that up.
Got laid off 2 yrs ago and haven't worked since. I tried to go to interviews or open houses. But I would just walk by, never having the courage to go in. Even if the interviewer called back, I'd be afraid to answer the phone or not return the message.
The world passed me by. I see my neighbors growing up, making lives for themselves. And it makes me mad. I wish I was normal. I exchange a physical illness for SA in a second. It's like I always hated being around people. I have certain places I go, but an afraid to go somewhere new. It's like I'm in an imaginery prison.
I have given up on friends or having a girlfirend. Who would want an unemployed 38 yr old virgin still living at home anyway. My Dad been very good about it.
Everyone I do is geared to isolate myself further. The less social interaction the better. If I have to make a phone call, I'll script it out days in advance. My Grandma is ill, and I'm worrying about the funeral, who I may have to talk to there, and how I can get out of the dinner. I'm ashamed of myself. I get sick of lying to people about myself.
I'm at the point now, I think I'll be homeless before finding work. The fear is that bad. Plus having no health insuracne is another fear in back of my mind.
Later
And school was hard as it was. I was afraid of being called on. Could barely talk in class, and Public speaking class was a nightmare. During one speech the class was laughing at me, I couldn't get a word out. Imagine Ralph Kramdon....hamanannana. I would run to the bathroom and cry sometimes. I had to lift weights to get the bullies off my back. That's the only positive.
I went to college, I figured I could start over. Noone knew my past. A fresh start. My Mom passed away, that messed me up bad. Couldn't make friends, asked at least 10 girls out..nothing. The few girls who talked to me used me for my notes. I got depressed and my grades suffered. I lost the will to live and dropped out.
My Dad got me a job at his place. I learned something new then. I couldn't handle an ounce of stress. Between the SA and stress, I almost flipped out and quit after 10 months. After a failed attempt to go back to college (due to SA, got accepted but was to afraid to go back), I went back to work there part-time for 10 yrs. I saved some money because I barely went out, had no GF or friends, so where could I go. Going to the movies alone got depressing, seeing couples and friends enjoying themselves was painful.
Sometimes they would make me answer phones when they went to lunch. I have a fear of the phone. I only make a few calls a year, and can't answer a call. So this scared me. I couldn't even sit at the desk, I would pace the office. I would turn the answering machine on and take the messages that way. It's like I can barely speak, like I cant breath. Chest pains, weakness, cold sweats.
A few years ago I went out on several job interviews. My fear was overwhelming and I messed up all of them. I got panic attacks, I would get cramps and diarheaa. I would pace back and forth for hours and couldn't sleep the day before. After one interview, I ate a whole chocolate cake. I gave that up.
Got laid off 2 yrs ago and haven't worked since. I tried to go to interviews or open houses. But I would just walk by, never having the courage to go in. Even if the interviewer called back, I'd be afraid to answer the phone or not return the message.
The world passed me by. I see my neighbors growing up, making lives for themselves. And it makes me mad. I wish I was normal. I exchange a physical illness for SA in a second. It's like I always hated being around people. I have certain places I go, but an afraid to go somewhere new. It's like I'm in an imaginery prison.
I have given up on friends or having a girlfirend. Who would want an unemployed 38 yr old virgin still living at home anyway. My Dad been very good about it.
Everyone I do is geared to isolate myself further. The less social interaction the better. If I have to make a phone call, I'll script it out days in advance. My Grandma is ill, and I'm worrying about the funeral, who I may have to talk to there, and how I can get out of the dinner. I'm ashamed of myself. I get sick of lying to people about myself.
I'm at the point now, I think I'll be homeless before finding work. The fear is that bad. Plus having no health insuracne is another fear in back of my mind.
Later
That's cool! 8)
