Rough month...

[taragizta]

So.. me and my ex have decided for a while now to just remain friends for now. But we both know that we don't see each other as nothing less than what we had. It's a long distance relationship so I had to man up and decide for the both of us last time I was there. I really love this girl but the fact of the matter is that right now even if I decided to move in which is more than plausible, I will not be able to support her financially given my current career stature. I don't want her to be the bread winner. But I want to be with her but I just can't tell her what I feel cause I don't want to put any burden on her. So I took my chances with friendship so that she is free to do what she wants while I work on myself in the background and prepare for the move which I am trying to expedite as much as I can. But it's tough. We still do the same routine. Stay on skype when we sleep and remain in constant contact.

I tried to slowly drift away into non-communication so she can have her space as hard as it is to accept. She is the type of girl who's not too eager to say what she feels so she just gets angry. Last Sunday when we were on skype I tried to force her to let go at least a bit so she can start getting used to me not being there. I told her that I will not be on skype for a while nor call her during the day. Her voice started faltering and you can hear on her voice that she is panicing. I had to keep her from crying cause there's nothing worse than that.

So now... I stopped doing my plan to contact her less and we're back where we were before...

I keep telling her we're friends so she gets used to it. But I do it with discretion. I still don't tell her my plans to move. It's really tough when you know she's waiting for you and you don't want her to...

 

[MikeyC]

It's obvious that you still love her. I wouldn't stop Skyping her if you feel that way, because she obviously feels the same for you, despite your distance.

I can understand you don't want her to be the breadwinner, but if you're that keen to go over there, why not? It won't be forever - only until you can get a job - but it shouldn't matter to either of you because you love each other and she sounds like she would be more than happy to provide for you.

 

[Aletheia]

^ Yeah, if you really love each other (and it sounds like you do) you'll make it happen.

But I'm a little worried that you're not telling her about your plans to move. She'll need to prepare for that too.

And what if you convince her that you're just friends, and she goes and meets someone else?

 

[taragizta]

I love her admittedly. It's tough that I can't show my affection or say certain things so she wouldn't get too attached. I know the implications my actions would do but I just trust her that much. same goes otherwise. that's why it's hard. If she does something it would not be out of spite.

I have a job. I am talking about where my career is right now and how much I'm currently making compared to hers. It's not pride I assure you. We've talked about this before. But like all things great it takes time. I just want her to be able to depend on me to a certain point that she won't be unsure of what might happen to us in the future.

and as for your question Alethia, that's why I'm so torn... I don't want her to wait but I also know that if I she just decides to... she will let go indefinitely. I've always thought that's going to be okay so she would know for sure what she wants. But I'm a jealous guy and the extent of this jealousy when it comes to her is heightened.

 

[DragonFlight777]

I really don't understand your reasoning. You want to be with her, and she wants to be with you, but you don't want her to wait for you and you want her to start doing stuff on your own, but at the same time you plan on moving in with her, under the conditions that supposedly she'll start doing things on her own and maybe even meet someone new or emotionally distance herself from you because you didn't show her any sign of still wanting her. Why does this have to be so complicated for you? Especially when she's obviously into you...

Besides, it seems that you're not giving her credit for being able to decide for herself knowing all the data of the situation. Why do you feel the need to protect her for something she's willing to get into? Like someone else was saying earlier in the thread, she does need to get prepared for you coming there too. Everybody, no matter how deeply in love, needs to get prepared for a living together situation. Why not treat her like an adult and let her decide if she wants to be part of your plans of not?

 

[taragizta]

I really don't understand your reasoning. You want to be with her, and she wants to be with you, but you don't want her to wait for you and you want her to start doing stuff on your own, but at the same time you plan on moving in with her, under the conditions that supposedly she'll start doing things on her own and maybe even meet someone new or emotionally distance herself from you because you didn't show her any sign of still wanting her. Why does this have to be so complicated for you? Especially when she's obviously into you...

Besides, it seems that you're not giving her credit for being able to decide for herself knowing all the data of the situation. Why do you feel the need to protect her for something she's willing to get into? Like someone else was saying earlier in the thread, she does need to get prepared for you coming there too. Everybody, no matter how deeply in love, needs to get prepared for a living together situation. Why not treat her like an adult and let her decide if she wants to be part of your plans of not?

Let me rephrase myself. "We" decided to just be friends for now. I had to "man up" and accept it rather than nothing. She's a great gal but at this point in her life she wants to be in something that would make her feel safe in every way. I don't want to make her sound materialistic. It's just that she wants to be with someone who is at the same level as her right now (She is 27 by the way).

Why I am so torn is because she's the one who brought it up to just be friends for now. But the slightest inkling of me trying to be what she wants us to be right now she does not approve.

I am not saying that I only do these things cause she wants to but also based on what I think is best.

I know it sounds messed up but we've already talked about my plans before. If she thinks it still applies or not I leave it to her. But I will not bring it up so that she will not feel that she has to stay with me cause I made this promise.

It's a whole new territory for me as well as hers. I was supposed to come there this holiday but decided not to. How she sees it is up to her but I know she knows why I'd rather not come. There are things that we have no control of. I can come there as a friend and act but our actions will prove otherwise.

I have this personality where I just let people think what they want to think. I didn't want to add her to that equation but I have to. So it's up to her to decide for herself what she thinks I'm trying to do.

I know the chances of her finally letting go is a lot higher than her staying. I can't lie to myself though. At this point in her life she needs something better. She can't afford to wait.

I'm not an ******* really. I always, ALWAYS praise her for what she is doing. I don't dismiss her approaches and what she feels.

It goes without saying that my relationship with this girl doesn't need words from both parties to figure out what we really feel.

EDIT: and don;t get me wrong. I will go there without a second notice. If she changes her mind and thinks that I am "ready" then definitely I could care less where I stand right now and just go there. She has all the choices.