Rock and a Hard Place

[sullyS25]

It has been a while since I have posted on here but now I am struggling a bit so I feel like reaching out as opposed to holding it all in and telling myself I can handle things on my own without the help of others....that has always been a pattern of mine, I am trying to break it but it is very difficult.

I feel like I have made a lot of progress regarding my fear of others judging me and I usually recognize that the **** I think is usually far from the truth or an illusion....I have also realized that if someone is judging me then it has nothing to do with with who I am as a person and they may be judging me do to their own insecurities or struggles in life....I know this intellectually but I have come to a point in my life where I am still struggling and convincing myself that all this mental chatter in my head is true or if not that, my actions have not changed and subconsciously I am still very afraid of being judged.

I moved to Spain from Colorado three months ago and for the most part it has been a great experience but there are times where I feel so lonely and so restless that I want to jump out of my skin. Luckily I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and it is everywhere in the world so I met some friends through that, I have all there numbers and they all tell me to call them when I am struggling but I still do not do it. I have also gotten numbers from the people I work with that have told me to call them but I never do....

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place sometimes because I know if I expose myself to these situations that make me so uncomfortable, I will feel weird, anxious and constantly judged. I also know that I will never change if I don't man the **** up and confront my fear. So I feel like there are two options and they both don't seem too appealing (I am sure you all can identify), I can continue to do what I am so used to which is isolating myself and being lonely or I can confront my fear and step out of my comfort zone. I know the first option will result in no growth, ever and the second will lead to me feeling more comfortable but I still can not bring myself to do it. When I am having a conversation with someone that says we should hang out sometime, I agree with them but don't take the next step and get there phone number....or if I get their phone number I never call....It has been so engrained in my head that reaching out equals pain and suffering that it feels like I subconsciously keep myself in isolation even when I know what the right thing to do is.....I guess it makes it more difficult because my spanish isn't perfect and a lot of these people don't speak English but that shouldn't be an excuse.

I really don't know why I am posting this because to me (my own worst critic) it seems like a **** ton of bitching and moaning. I can sit here and complain about how ****ty things are but unless I actually do something it will stay the same and I will be lonely forever....Man the **** up and do what you need to my father would say.....I guess I am posting this because I don't feel comfortable venting it to anyone in person and maybe someone can tell me there experiences and what helped them....If you did read it I thank you as I realize it was quite long and perhaps full of Debby Downer, negativity....Which I usually hate to hear.

 

[springblossumbuds]

Your way of thinking is very similar to mine, as I constantly stay away from others for fear of being judged, my other problem being fear of rejection. I hardly ever contact people when I or they say we should and stay secluded to protect myself in a way. I don't want to exit my comfort zone either.

But I also know that the longer I'm like this, the more lonely I'll feel and the more I will sink into another hole of depression. I know this and yet it's a battle to change it. But I try to think that when I am with people and I put the constant nagging at the back of my head and just enjoy the conversation I'm in, the meal we're eating, or the game we're playing, it helps bring up my esteem and makes me want to do it more. That first step usually turns into a positive, and it's worked for me a little. You might find that the more you think positive, ignoring the worst-case scenarios, and having more social interactions you may start feeling more comfortable with and around other people, and the loneliness might subside a little.

Just how I've been battling it lol

 

[sullyS25]

No that does really help me too....If I am completely in the moment and not trying to read other peoples minds when I am with them I feel very comfortable as well....Like you said....if I direct all my attention to whatever it is that I am doing then there literally is no anxiety at all....and I feel like I have improved through using that.....Living completely in the present moment......I guess for me know it is about doing what I am not used to, like rewiring the brain.....I may be completely in the moment and comfortable around people but my mind has been conditioned to seclude itself and it is so innate to avoid putting myself out there.....I feel like I need to remind myself when I am in those situations to go out of my comfort zone regarding that and I should do it with a positive attitude....there are just moments in my life where the inevitable feeling of being uncomfortable with changing comes up and it wears on me.....I feel that is what that long post of venting how I feel was about haha