relationships

[Off The Wall]

I know people probably post this all the time.. and i haven't been on here in ages cause i was dealing with the anxiety and trying so hard to get my life on track jobwise and i had a few friends and i was talking to people not going out that much until this year i just wanted it to be a new year and start afresh... and just to try ignore those thoughts in my head telling me to be scared or to shy away from public occasions... which was going okay until i met this guy...

and no matter how hard i try i just can't ignore the social anxiety in relationships.. i hate relationships.. okay so i've never been in a relationship really... but he is kind of perfect and i don't want to lose him but its unfair for him to wait around until if ever i feel comfortable enough around him physically?... i can't even kiss him im just so embarrassed... i feel so bad and i just give him a hug and he knows something is wrong but i can't tell him.

I've told him about my anxiety and depression cause i felt like i could then he told me about his actually so i know he understands but he doesn't know the extent of it i guess.. his one of those guys who are always in relationships... and they are always serious relationships... which then of course scares me cause im like this newbie relationship freak.. and i feel even more awkward.

I usually feel really uncomfortable being close to people and people touching you but with him its okay i kind of don't wanna let go.. but when it comes to kissing him i just can't do it... - i feel so stupid and so bad.. i'm avoiding him right now cause of it. Then he worries.. but we were in the car and i knew he wanted to kiss me so i just didnt look at him so he couldn't... then he got frustrated.. and then i felt even worse.. argh!

i know you can't make people wait.. but what am i suppose to do.. its just a kiss and im stressing... but then kisses lead else where and then im even more screwed haha.. i just wanna get completely wasted and then ask him to come see me so i'm not so lame... i hate that you need drinks for this!!

anyway sorry i just needed to vent and i have no where else to vent so i came here ...

 

[Off The Wall]

and one more thing really.. anyone else get completely emotionally drained that they are physically unwell?.. I'm so drained trying and thinking about what to do..

like the other day i was going to see him.. i thought i had freaking food poisoning but now i think i was just that SCARED that i made myself that sick about it.. it was horrible.. i told him i wasn't well but he could see me if he wanted to.... he came and was really sweet and brang me all this stuff to feel better... its nice to know he cares in those situations i told he might actually throw-up cause i felt that bad.. but he didn't care.. so thats good but..

argh im so drained.. i just feel sick all the time.. i can't eat properly, my stomach just feels like it has issues 24/7... omg.. im like this lovesick idiot hahaha..