Rossettismuse1 said:
For a male, there is nothing harder in life than finding a partner if you are S.P.
Why, oh why, do women pretend it is no different.
all a woman has to do is breathe to find a partner.
Yes, you're wright. Let me tell you how today went for me.
The parents of the girl I had a crush on and still have are quartered at my place during this week. So she, and her sister got invited to join my family for a meal today.
You probably imagine that my anxiety rised as I heard the news in the morning. I didn't knew what to do. I was just walking back and fourth across my room, chewing my lips and thinking about how am I going to go through the horror of it.
So in the afternoon, she came, along with her sister. I just couldn't look in her eyes as she eneterd, she's so beautiful, she's like the perfect girl....the eyes, the hair, the lips....pure perfection.
So we sat at the table. My heart started beating so fast, I was so hot, my head was burning and feeled as if exploding from the terrible presure, I started sweating, blushing, I was so nervous I dropped the fork in the plate several times and bit my tongue. I just couldn't control myself. I was afraid to go to the bathroom cause I would certanly trip or hit something in the way and made a total fool of myself. You know the feeling.
And I just couldn't say anything, I was paralized by fear, I couldn't even talk, my mind was absolutely blank of ideas. And there she was, a meter away from me and I couldn't do anything about it.
She asked me something, I didn't understand couse I was so freaking nervous and my mind was full of stupid thoughts, like, what does she think if i said that, is it right to hold my hands this way, do I look stupid, should I say something to her or look at her so thet she doesn't think i'm a loser or a retarded, and so on....all I wanted to do is to get the hell out of there...but deep in my heart all I wanted was to take her with me to another room and tell her how I feel about her, of course, if I actually did that I would have probably fainted.
So, anyway, thanx a lot SP, I answered yes, although I didn't knew what she asked me, she gave me a strange look and that was it. So I quickly ate my food and ran to my room....and felt safe and free of the excruciating embaressment, but in the same time so tired and exhausted from that fu*king anxiety, glad that was over.
How can you ask out the girl of your dreams if you can't even look at her? talking to her is out of the question, expressing your feelings to her is really impossible
It's so up side down, I'm sick of it all. The more you like the person, the harder it is for you to make a bond, or even be in her presence without losing it.
So there I was, helpless and hopeless, the girl that I always wanted, it's like god created her especially for me and only me, but I couldn't do anything about it. All I said to her was ''yes''.
Enough about this.
Later in the evening I talked to a girl online I met on chat. We were talking for 3 weeks and so. I gave her my phone number and she sent me all kinds of messages like lovers use to. I send her intimate messages, too. She tryed calling me, but I just couldn't answer the phone. So we talked on mess, and asked me why don't I want to meet her, so I made up an excuse that I allready have a girlfriend.
After hearing this, she told me she is going to wait for me till the time I am single again cause she cares a lot about me, even if I told her to find someone else. She even invited me over to her place. You allready know what my answer was.
So there goes another relanshionship, if I could be as sincere and open and talkative in real life as I am online, life would be fucking great.
But that's not all, another girl signed in afterwards and said she was wanting to talk to me. She also said she nedded to meet me and I made up this stupid lie that I'm divorced and I was 35.
I asked her: But what if I was 20 ? And she said you're much nicer and cute compared to the other guys, too bad you're 35, you're one step ahead of others, you know.... This is the second time that she tells me I'm much better than others...I hate it when I have to let her down all the time
So there goes another relasionship.
Why is it reality so hard on us ? :x
Anyway, a neighboor came over today to talk on yahoo mess cause he doesn't have an internet connection at home and bought me a beer to pay it off. He started describing the other night when he went in a club and all the girls were looking at him and he started looking and smiled at them too, and soon started dancing with them and they began undresing him in the club. After that they went to the loockers and made group sex and stuff.
All this time I was thinking of me, I probably would have sat at a table there all night paralized by fear and did nothing to socialize with anyone. :evil:
So, that was my day, many chances of succesfull relanshionships and no results at all, damn. It felt good to vent here, thx for reading.
