StonerBella420
Active member
Hello Everyone:
My name is Bella, im 22 years old. I was born and raised in Kitchener Ontario & this is my story of my life.
When I was born... things were very good in life, it was just me and my mom and the odd time I would see my grandma and grandpa on my moms side... my dad I never seen much at this time because he was on his own and married to another woman who I never met. Life was so good in these years, me and my mom did everything together, she did a lot with me with learning, outtings and having fun, also my grandpa was a huge part of my life in this stage too, always took me bike riding and swimming and out for ice cream, me and him always had fun but once I hit school things changed...
From Kindergarden to grade 1 I was at a special school called Rotary Center where I was assessed and diagnosed with ASPBERGERS DISORDER which is a form of AUTISM. They had a very hard time diagnosing me so my mom says cause I was very smart for my age and knew more than most of the kids in my classes, why? because my mom was always working hard with me and I really enjoyed reading books and learning new things. Everyone at this school was amazing, the teachers were so kind and caring and thier was so many school trips that were so much fun, their was even a swimming pool their for gym class which was pretty awesome!!! I miss these days cause I was so happy back than... when I was in kindergarden my grandma and grandpa moved in, and I was so happy, but the sadest thing was, my grandma used to swear a lot infront of me and would call me and mother names like bitches and *******s and ****s etc... I even seen her pull my moms hair, a few years later when I was in grade 1, she had a terrible stroke and found out she had cancer all over along with other health issues and she died a week after her stroke, my grandpa took it hard. so it was a hard time for him and my mom.
From Grades 2 - 6 things turned very ugly... I was aggressive and would beat up other kids because they would bully me on my weight and looks and even my smarts and the clothing I wore, they would make fun of my interests and things that I liked to do, I was almost suspended all the time in these years... but also within these years... my dad ended up having more contact with me and even moved in when I turned 10, it was not a good picture, because they were fighting all the time, their was a lot of verbal and physical abuse... my grandpa hated my dads guts.. and tried to do as much activities with me as possible so that my childhood would be amazing... but some of the things that happened/what I witnessed can never be taken back, when I was 11 my dad ended up punching me in the face because I wouldnt go in the car with him, all I wanted was to stay home with my grandpa and have fun with him but my dad would always be mad at that, when the school seen the bruse on my face police and children services were called I tried lieing to them because I was scared of being sent away from mom and grandpa, but my dad just got a warning that if he touched me again, he would go to jail, ever since this day, I have been scared of him. A year after this happened and I was finishing up grade 6 we ended up moving out of the apartment, I had to switch schools and it was the first move I had ever had... this was a huge change for me.
From Grade 7-8 things got really bad... their was more fighting between my mom and dad... and my grandpa would always try to stop it for my sack, but they never stopped, I even witnessed my dad break things, throw things, pull my moms hair, bite her and hit her and punch her and throw her around, I seen so many things it scared me to death, I was always worried I would come home from school and find my mom almost half dead or something... school was worse when I moved because I met a girl who would bully me and rape me and do so many inappropiate things to me, I told the principle what she did when she touched my private area and they did nothing nor did they believe me... its like they ignored me and pretended I was just a nobody and no good... this girl bugged me the 2 years I was at the middle school also at this time, in grade 7 my mother had been pregnant and had my little sister sophia, that was new to me and something I was happy and excited about, because I finally had a sibling...
but grade 8 comes along, my mom is pregnant again but this time, she lost a baby boy, she blamed me that I killed him and made him premature and die because I was too much stress and always getting into trouble and being suspended, my grandpa was all supportive of me and was their for me when I was crying and didnt know it was my fault and also he told me it wasnt my fault and that it was an accident that no one had control over... but I was unsure... that night, I cutted my legs... things were just getting worse...
The start to high school... we just moved again to a house this time and I was on my way to high school after an amazing summer of swimming and biking and going out for ice cream with my grandpa, I start high school and high school was very rough, I always tried to focus on my studies and do my best, I was always nice to everyone and never said a word... my aggression was gone after all the hurt that happened in middle school but that was nothing... worse came my way... grade 9, 10 and part of 11... I was being bullied and ganged up on and even raped and hulmiliated by these girls... they would do anything to hurt me and make my life hell, my cousion used to even laugh at me when the girls were hurting me... all I could do after all the hurt was cry and cry in the bathroom stall and hide all the tears and hurt... I couldnt talk to anyone I loved cause I was scared of all the shame and disgust that they would feel... I was scared that they would hate me and never let it down... my parents were still fighting back than but the worst part is... my dad was cheating and screwing other woman while my mom was always at home doing all the house work and trying to be a mom to my sister sophia... things just didnt get better... Once grade 11 hit, I was at my worst... I was seeing and hearing things, I hurd voices telling me to kill myself, go jump, no one cares about a worthless girl like you, your no one... also I used to see things like seeing myself kill myself in different ways and how my funeral would be... I would see things like people telling me to follow them and do what they tell me to do... it was getting to be too much that I ended up going up on the school roof and screaming, KILL ME NOW AND JUST LET ME GO, IM SICK OF ALL THE BULLSHIT, JUST FREE ME NOW!!! the cops were called, I got cuffed and sent away in the police car, I was kicked outta school and sent to hospital...
After being sent to the hospital I stayed their 2 weeks... I found out I had DEPRESSION and SOCIAL ANXIETY... things were just not good for me. I was in and out of hospital, I would over dose on drugs, I would try to kill myself numerious times and I wouldnt stop cutting I was in and out of hospitals for a whole year... including being away in a long term facility for 2 months where I didnt see my family at all and I kept trying to kill myself more at the long term facility because the nurses were so rude and ignorant and they were not doing their job to help me with the things that I needed help with, also they were not very supportive and I couldnt go to them with any of my feelings or thoughts... this was one of the worst moments of my life... http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/images/smilies/crying.gif
After being in long term hospital for 2 months... a month later I ended up being accepted into the Young Adult Program, a place for teens with mental health to go to school and get treatment for certain things... it was a pretty great place, just took a lot of getting used to... especially with groups and talking things out because of my trust issues with people and also because I was still dealing with the loss of my baby brother and that always being thrown in my face by my parents that it was my fault for him dieing... I met some really amazing people their who I couldnt thank enough for still being in my life today. Sure I still had my melt downs and would leave because I couldnt talk about my hallucinations or feelings but it was less common compared to being at the high schools and people their had a lot more respect and understanding of feelings... life was slowly making a turn for the better.
After being in the young adult for almost a year I ended up being sent to the phionx program at a public high school, it was for people specifically with autistic spectrum disorder... it was a great program... I had lots of help with earning credits and the people their were pretty nice, I had a few bullies their and that but I used to go see my friend Tasha from yap sometimes at lunch and chill with her, shes like my sister, one of the most amazing friends that I have, she has been their through thick and thin and has never judged me, love this woman!!! <3
After being in the phionx program almost a year... my life turned around to the worst case scenario, just before the summer break the year of 2011, my grandpa got really sick, he was puking black stuff and having seizures a lot more, we thought his epilepsy was just getting worse but me and my mom were wrong, me, my mom and sis, we all went out to the store while my dad wasnt home, we came home to find my grandpa passed out on the floor and unconcious, my heart that day dropped, and tears and fear just filled my whole body, we found out that his brain tumor ruptured and that thier was no way to save him... he died a week after it ruptured, I didnt even really get to say goodbye he died on a beautiful monday morning of June 6, 2011 it was the worst nightmare of my life, I lost the closest person in my life, the person who was always their for me, my family, my blood, my father figure... That day, I cutted myself all over, overdosed on medications and than drank lots of alcohol... My parents that night... were just fighting non stop...
A year after my grandpas death I decided to finish my high school credits through st louis adult learning center, I met 2 people their who I thought were my friends and I thought were cool people, but man was I ever wrong... at least with st louis I did get my high school diploma but the 2 friends I met their, well... they hurt me and screwed me over good and used me like a fool, the one friend I met named Missy, she was always taking my money and making me feel sorry for her always saying she needed food and that... I thought I was being nice by helping because I felt bad, but than she always wanted money and just kept expecting money from me all the time, I had no money for myself or for my needs, it was getting to be way too much, so I had to stop the friendship also she ended up keeping a few of my things and never gave them back to me... which hurt even more... I felt like I was just a fool... but that wasnt even the worst friendship... I met bunny at school too and she has a sweet adorable little girl who I loved and adored, she loved me a lot too, things didnt go well, I thought bunny was my bffl because me and her had dealt with a lot of simular issues and dealt with simular things... but I noticed I was babysitting her child for free while she was in school and also while she did psw... I did a lot to help her and lot to try to get her to like me... I had a huge crush on bunny and wanted to date her, but she didnt like me that way... and I accepted that... but what hurt me most, is that I lent her so much of my things, and I never got them back, I babysat her child a lot for free and I even used to buy the 2 of them things and would try so hard just to help bunny out cause I knew she was tired and exhausted from school/psw I would even have dinner ready for when bunny got home when I was living their for 2 months and this was just recently this year... I stayed with her cause she was doing psw and I thought I was doing something good and also she was gonna give me a good rep for child daycare which I was appying for through Ashworth College and well I was trying to study plus babysit, and well I never had time to study or even time alone, because I had bunnys child all the time and it wasnt my job to look after her when she was home, she was the one suppose to be spending time with her so that I had my study time and so that I also had my alone time too but no... it was getting to be too much, so much, that her daughter was getting too close to me, and I didnt want that for the mothers sake, because it isnt fair to the child also I had left because I was getting sick I barely even ate when I was their cause their wasnt much food and I didnt want to take the childs food... also my sister and mom were needing me home because my mom is looking for a job and needs a sitter for my sister who is 10 and has ADHD, ODD and a MEMORY RELAPSE it is hard for my sister to comprehend things but I told bunny that and also told her that my health was in stake... she didnt seem to care at all, after the 2 years that I thought she was my close friend... she calls me a fake and a bitch and not a good friend... and tells me to never talk to her again... she just used me for her kid... she used me to teach her child and get her ready for school and she used me just as a sucker to get her child outta her hair just cause shes lazy and doesnt want to be bothered with her... makes me sick...
The after math... Moving back home with parents... after 2 months of being gone.. things are a lot better, I finished my child daycare course and waiting for my diploma in the mail... Im hoping that once I get enough money I can take psychology next, also I am very happy that I still have Tasha and Derrik in my life as reallly close best friends of mine who have never let me down, also to Taylor And Brad who I get to see too sometimes because their my best friends roomies and their great friends to me too, also I havent been cutting for about 2 months almost at the end of march this year... I still feel hurt with the loss of my grandpa even though it is going on 4 years this june... also Im still trying to deal with my depression and suicidal ideas that still come to my mind also Im still dealing with hallucinations from time to time but because of my good friends and my mom being more respectful of my life and that... things are slowly getting better, also I recently got a membership to the YMCA because I want to lose weight and feel better about myself... im still working on self confident and feeling better about myself... but hopefully along the way things will get better...
Any questions? reply with questions and I will give you answers to the best of my ability, also if anyone would like to talk about anything or that, I am here and will listen and give the best advice possible, I am a very trustworthy person and I would never want to hurt anyone... <3
My name is Bella, im 22 years old. I was born and raised in Kitchener Ontario & this is my story of my life.
When I was born... things were very good in life, it was just me and my mom and the odd time I would see my grandma and grandpa on my moms side... my dad I never seen much at this time because he was on his own and married to another woman who I never met. Life was so good in these years, me and my mom did everything together, she did a lot with me with learning, outtings and having fun, also my grandpa was a huge part of my life in this stage too, always took me bike riding and swimming and out for ice cream, me and him always had fun but once I hit school things changed...
From Kindergarden to grade 1 I was at a special school called Rotary Center where I was assessed and diagnosed with ASPBERGERS DISORDER which is a form of AUTISM. They had a very hard time diagnosing me so my mom says cause I was very smart for my age and knew more than most of the kids in my classes, why? because my mom was always working hard with me and I really enjoyed reading books and learning new things. Everyone at this school was amazing, the teachers were so kind and caring and thier was so many school trips that were so much fun, their was even a swimming pool their for gym class which was pretty awesome!!! I miss these days cause I was so happy back than... when I was in kindergarden my grandma and grandpa moved in, and I was so happy, but the sadest thing was, my grandma used to swear a lot infront of me and would call me and mother names like bitches and *******s and ****s etc... I even seen her pull my moms hair, a few years later when I was in grade 1, she had a terrible stroke and found out she had cancer all over along with other health issues and she died a week after her stroke, my grandpa took it hard. so it was a hard time for him and my mom.
From Grades 2 - 6 things turned very ugly... I was aggressive and would beat up other kids because they would bully me on my weight and looks and even my smarts and the clothing I wore, they would make fun of my interests and things that I liked to do, I was almost suspended all the time in these years... but also within these years... my dad ended up having more contact with me and even moved in when I turned 10, it was not a good picture, because they were fighting all the time, their was a lot of verbal and physical abuse... my grandpa hated my dads guts.. and tried to do as much activities with me as possible so that my childhood would be amazing... but some of the things that happened/what I witnessed can never be taken back, when I was 11 my dad ended up punching me in the face because I wouldnt go in the car with him, all I wanted was to stay home with my grandpa and have fun with him but my dad would always be mad at that, when the school seen the bruse on my face police and children services were called I tried lieing to them because I was scared of being sent away from mom and grandpa, but my dad just got a warning that if he touched me again, he would go to jail, ever since this day, I have been scared of him. A year after this happened and I was finishing up grade 6 we ended up moving out of the apartment, I had to switch schools and it was the first move I had ever had... this was a huge change for me.
From Grade 7-8 things got really bad... their was more fighting between my mom and dad... and my grandpa would always try to stop it for my sack, but they never stopped, I even witnessed my dad break things, throw things, pull my moms hair, bite her and hit her and punch her and throw her around, I seen so many things it scared me to death, I was always worried I would come home from school and find my mom almost half dead or something... school was worse when I moved because I met a girl who would bully me and rape me and do so many inappropiate things to me, I told the principle what she did when she touched my private area and they did nothing nor did they believe me... its like they ignored me and pretended I was just a nobody and no good... this girl bugged me the 2 years I was at the middle school also at this time, in grade 7 my mother had been pregnant and had my little sister sophia, that was new to me and something I was happy and excited about, because I finally had a sibling...
but grade 8 comes along, my mom is pregnant again but this time, she lost a baby boy, she blamed me that I killed him and made him premature and die because I was too much stress and always getting into trouble and being suspended, my grandpa was all supportive of me and was their for me when I was crying and didnt know it was my fault and also he told me it wasnt my fault and that it was an accident that no one had control over... but I was unsure... that night, I cutted my legs... things were just getting worse...The start to high school... we just moved again to a house this time and I was on my way to high school after an amazing summer of swimming and biking and going out for ice cream with my grandpa, I start high school and high school was very rough, I always tried to focus on my studies and do my best, I was always nice to everyone and never said a word... my aggression was gone after all the hurt that happened in middle school but that was nothing... worse came my way... grade 9, 10 and part of 11... I was being bullied and ganged up on and even raped and hulmiliated by these girls... they would do anything to hurt me and make my life hell, my cousion used to even laugh at me when the girls were hurting me... all I could do after all the hurt was cry and cry in the bathroom stall and hide all the tears and hurt... I couldnt talk to anyone I loved cause I was scared of all the shame and disgust that they would feel... I was scared that they would hate me and never let it down... my parents were still fighting back than but the worst part is... my dad was cheating and screwing other woman while my mom was always at home doing all the house work and trying to be a mom to my sister sophia... things just didnt get better... Once grade 11 hit, I was at my worst... I was seeing and hearing things, I hurd voices telling me to kill myself, go jump, no one cares about a worthless girl like you, your no one... also I used to see things like seeing myself kill myself in different ways and how my funeral would be... I would see things like people telling me to follow them and do what they tell me to do... it was getting to be too much that I ended up going up on the school roof and screaming, KILL ME NOW AND JUST LET ME GO, IM SICK OF ALL THE BULLSHIT, JUST FREE ME NOW!!! the cops were called, I got cuffed and sent away in the police car, I was kicked outta school and sent to hospital...
After being sent to the hospital I stayed their 2 weeks... I found out I had DEPRESSION and SOCIAL ANXIETY... things were just not good for me. I was in and out of hospital, I would over dose on drugs, I would try to kill myself numerious times and I wouldnt stop cutting I was in and out of hospitals for a whole year... including being away in a long term facility for 2 months where I didnt see my family at all and I kept trying to kill myself more at the long term facility because the nurses were so rude and ignorant and they were not doing their job to help me with the things that I needed help with, also they were not very supportive and I couldnt go to them with any of my feelings or thoughts... this was one of the worst moments of my life... http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/images/smilies/crying.gif
After being in long term hospital for 2 months... a month later I ended up being accepted into the Young Adult Program, a place for teens with mental health to go to school and get treatment for certain things... it was a pretty great place, just took a lot of getting used to... especially with groups and talking things out because of my trust issues with people and also because I was still dealing with the loss of my baby brother and that always being thrown in my face by my parents that it was my fault for him dieing... I met some really amazing people their who I couldnt thank enough for still being in my life today. Sure I still had my melt downs and would leave because I couldnt talk about my hallucinations or feelings but it was less common compared to being at the high schools and people their had a lot more respect and understanding of feelings... life was slowly making a turn for the better.
After being in the young adult for almost a year I ended up being sent to the phionx program at a public high school, it was for people specifically with autistic spectrum disorder... it was a great program... I had lots of help with earning credits and the people their were pretty nice, I had a few bullies their and that but I used to go see my friend Tasha from yap sometimes at lunch and chill with her, shes like my sister, one of the most amazing friends that I have, she has been their through thick and thin and has never judged me, love this woman!!! <3
After being in the phionx program almost a year... my life turned around to the worst case scenario, just before the summer break the year of 2011, my grandpa got really sick, he was puking black stuff and having seizures a lot more, we thought his epilepsy was just getting worse but me and my mom were wrong, me, my mom and sis, we all went out to the store while my dad wasnt home, we came home to find my grandpa passed out on the floor and unconcious, my heart that day dropped, and tears and fear just filled my whole body, we found out that his brain tumor ruptured and that thier was no way to save him... he died a week after it ruptured, I didnt even really get to say goodbye he died on a beautiful monday morning of June 6, 2011 it was the worst nightmare of my life, I lost the closest person in my life, the person who was always their for me, my family, my blood, my father figure... That day, I cutted myself all over, overdosed on medications and than drank lots of alcohol... My parents that night... were just fighting non stop...
A year after my grandpas death I decided to finish my high school credits through st louis adult learning center, I met 2 people their who I thought were my friends and I thought were cool people, but man was I ever wrong... at least with st louis I did get my high school diploma but the 2 friends I met their, well... they hurt me and screwed me over good and used me like a fool, the one friend I met named Missy, she was always taking my money and making me feel sorry for her always saying she needed food and that... I thought I was being nice by helping because I felt bad, but than she always wanted money and just kept expecting money from me all the time, I had no money for myself or for my needs, it was getting to be way too much, so I had to stop the friendship also she ended up keeping a few of my things and never gave them back to me... which hurt even more... I felt like I was just a fool... but that wasnt even the worst friendship... I met bunny at school too and she has a sweet adorable little girl who I loved and adored, she loved me a lot too, things didnt go well, I thought bunny was my bffl because me and her had dealt with a lot of simular issues and dealt with simular things... but I noticed I was babysitting her child for free while she was in school and also while she did psw... I did a lot to help her and lot to try to get her to like me... I had a huge crush on bunny and wanted to date her, but she didnt like me that way... and I accepted that... but what hurt me most, is that I lent her so much of my things, and I never got them back, I babysat her child a lot for free and I even used to buy the 2 of them things and would try so hard just to help bunny out cause I knew she was tired and exhausted from school/psw I would even have dinner ready for when bunny got home when I was living their for 2 months and this was just recently this year... I stayed with her cause she was doing psw and I thought I was doing something good and also she was gonna give me a good rep for child daycare which I was appying for through Ashworth College and well I was trying to study plus babysit, and well I never had time to study or even time alone, because I had bunnys child all the time and it wasnt my job to look after her when she was home, she was the one suppose to be spending time with her so that I had my study time and so that I also had my alone time too but no... it was getting to be too much, so much, that her daughter was getting too close to me, and I didnt want that for the mothers sake, because it isnt fair to the child also I had left because I was getting sick I barely even ate when I was their cause their wasnt much food and I didnt want to take the childs food... also my sister and mom were needing me home because my mom is looking for a job and needs a sitter for my sister who is 10 and has ADHD, ODD and a MEMORY RELAPSE it is hard for my sister to comprehend things but I told bunny that and also told her that my health was in stake... she didnt seem to care at all, after the 2 years that I thought she was my close friend... she calls me a fake and a bitch and not a good friend... and tells me to never talk to her again... she just used me for her kid... she used me to teach her child and get her ready for school and she used me just as a sucker to get her child outta her hair just cause shes lazy and doesnt want to be bothered with her... makes me sick...
The after math... Moving back home with parents... after 2 months of being gone.. things are a lot better, I finished my child daycare course and waiting for my diploma in the mail... Im hoping that once I get enough money I can take psychology next, also I am very happy that I still have Tasha and Derrik in my life as reallly close best friends of mine who have never let me down, also to Taylor And Brad who I get to see too sometimes because their my best friends roomies and their great friends to me too, also I havent been cutting for about 2 months almost at the end of march this year... I still feel hurt with the loss of my grandpa even though it is going on 4 years this june... also Im still trying to deal with my depression and suicidal ideas that still come to my mind also Im still dealing with hallucinations from time to time but because of my good friends and my mom being more respectful of my life and that... things are slowly getting better, also I recently got a membership to the YMCA because I want to lose weight and feel better about myself... im still working on self confident and feeling better about myself... but hopefully along the way things will get better...
Any questions? reply with questions and I will give you answers to the best of my ability, also if anyone would like to talk about anything or that, I am here and will listen and give the best advice possible, I am a very trustworthy person and I would never want to hurt anyone... <3
Last edited:
