Reconnecting with old friends

I have AvPD, and I'm always scared about making contact with others because of the fear of getting hurt. With friendships, I'm very passive and rely entirely on the others to keep us connected, and even as they try, I'd repeatedly disappear from the face of the earth, believing I don't matter to them and cycling from feeling secretly disliked to being someone they resent. I'm so scared of them being angry with me or abandoning me. But reconnecting with these old friends who have reached out to me again and again over a span of years has always been the silver linings to a consistent loneliness, even though meeting up leaves me emotionally drained and always with the sense that this may be the last time I'll see them. I see them maybe once or twice a year.

Lately, someone keeps popping up in my mind that I "disappeared" on. Lots of emotions well up because I really want to know how he is, if things have gotten better, and then I'm worried that it hasn't. It literally keeps me awake and I'm losing sleep over it. I don't know why I should care so much if we barely know each other, but I do, and I just want to have a peace of mind. Maybe it's also because we carry a similar suffering. I imagine myself reaching out and I'm just exhilarated by the idea of YES! I can finally break out of my habit and be that person for once, but then all that fear and pain hits and it's like being tossed back and forth in this tumultuous sea where I have zero agency.

I don't know, what can you say about your own experience? Is there anything that can move me away from this limbo?
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Active member
I tried reconnecting with an old friend a few years ago. I think it was in 2015. We started texting and everything was fine until I brought up my anxiety. She didn't want to hear it. She was very sour and mean about it. Almost ignoring me or talking right over me like it was nothing to her. I stopped talking to her after that.

I am not sure what you are experiencing with this, it may be different for you. For me, once a bridge is burned.. I know it is not worth going back over. I ended up just beating myself up for months over this.