Proving the irrationality of Social Anxiety! Help needed :)

[easy]

I intend to solve my SA, and do it soon too! (I'm 18 btw)

I've been thinking a lot about this stuff, and I think that the first thing I have to do (probably the most important thing) is to thoroughly understand that SA, or any phobia really, is totally irrational.

I already understand this on an intellectual level, but part of my mind really clings on to the beliefs that cause my SA.


Here's my thoughts:
My social anxiety is caused by irrational beliefs in my mind. These beliefs are like rules, that the mind believes, even if they don't make much sense. Some rules can be: 'Everybody must like me', 'I need to look attractive to succed in this life', 'I must never fail at anything', etc. SA is basically caused by beliefs that emphasize on the importance of the opinion of other people about ourselves or anything that we associate with our selves. Right?

Then, the question is: are these beliefs true? No, they aren't. If these beliefs were true, it would mean that there are some sort of unwritten Rules of the Universe. The easiest way to see that this isn't true, is that everybody believes different things, and that everybody thinks that the things they believe in is true. Some people are always scared, others are fearless. This proves that there are no real rules to follow for people. Everybody makes up their own, and then thinks they're true.

Anything that you think you should do, is thought up by the mind. A rule like 'Everybody must like me' is obviously not true, because people can dislike you, and if they do, nothing happens. In our minds we expect that something terrible might happen in social situations, but the whole thing is imaginary, made up by the mind.

The only truth is that you are. There is just you. In reality there are no rules that you 'must' follow. You don't 'have' to do anything. We can do whatever we can, there's nothing to stop us besides the self-created problems in the mind.



Converting thoughts to words is always hard for me, so I bet this makes little sense, but what are your thoughts about this. Your ideas about why it's irrational are also wanted! Thanks.

 

[Milooby]

Makes sense to me
Sounds similar to the principles of cognitive behavioural therapy (thats what its called right?? :?) in that you need to prove your fears are baseless.
Sounds about right.

 

[Reholla]

good post!! I really had to think about this one...actually its just been a long day, haha. But deep none the less.

I dont really have anything to add on. I just agree. Ive thought about this for a while. No matter how irrational you know it is, your body is in an addictive state of negative thoughts. So the road to recovery is by stopping this "addiction."

people who haven't had anxiety their entire lives know that when you are happy, its kind of addictive. Meaning, things dont get to you, because your body is already in a "happy" anxiety free mind set. The opposite is happening to us right now. So i think you just have to reverse the cycle.

I was , however wondering if anyone else has this same problem as I do:

Since i know things in my mind are irrational, I have a hard time decifering between what is "real" and whats not. Likefor example the other day some one from my group we were working on a calculus project w/ completely skipped class on the day we were supposed to meet. They didnt answer their phone, and never came even though they knew we were going to meet after that class. Since I am so used to be "mad at the world" with my anxiety, I often doubt my feelings. Like, maybe I shouldnt be mad, its my anxiety telling me that.

I know this example is pretty clear cut: I do have a right to be upset.
But in other circumstances its hard to judge.

Like think about how many situations we base things merely on emotions. Its actually a lot. So when your emotions are up and down more times than a rollercoaster, its not a very accurate judge.
It causes me to either 1. get mad when I dont have a reason to be
or 2. doubt my feelings and possibly not stand up for myself

 

[msleesa]

Good thread!

I think Easy is correct in his thinking. Most of us have selfinstilled misconceptions of what the "rules" are. But at least we care. I don't want to be a "social lite" or a "life of the party ' person. I just want quiet confidence as opposed to "quiet hide in the corner".
It also amazes me how much I can manipulate and control because of my SA. Meaning, i will spend much time and thought devising avoidance tactics. But cannot control my mind and physiological reaction in an uncomfortable situation. I found something that "works", but it's REALLY not working, just prolonging my misery. It's similar to an addicted person as Reholla said. I mean, a drunk or a addict will manipulate as needed to get another drink or fix, and spend much mental energy to do so. Having SA is hard work, at least for me.

 

[msleesa]

Also, Easy mention about "having to look good" to succeed in life. We all know that's not true. Some of the scariest looking people have been super successful. Im sure easy is not bad looking, but confidence and personality seem to always over ride looks.

 

[easy]

Thanks for the replies.

I really feel that if you have social anxiety, you have to 'fight your own beliefs'. I know that I cannot get hurt in a social situation, yet I fear it. We have to both do the things we fear and prove our beliefs wrong, and think about our fears and prove that they are irrational, until we believe it so thoroughly that they replace the old, irrational beliefs. Until it 'clicks'.


I think meditation can help people with problems like social anxiety. I've been reading up on Buddhism, and I believe Buddhism has a lot of 'tools' and other things that can be very helpful to us. First of all, normal sitting meditation will help you relax and think more clearly.
Also, one kind of buddhist meditation is Insight Meditation. Here's a quote from Wikipedia, which explains things better than I do.

Vipassana meditation is a very simple, logical technique which depends on direct experience, observation, rather than belief. It has three parts - adherence to a Silà (abstaining from killing, stealing, lying, sexual misconduct and intoxication), which is not an end in itself but a requirement for the second part, concentration of the mind (Samadhi). With this concentrated mind, the third, part of the technique (Panna) is detached observation of the reality of the mind and body from moment to moment. This practice both develops a deep, experiential understanding of the impermanence of reality and also brings to the surface and dissolves deep-seated complexes and tensions. Linky

This just means that you observe anything within you. Anything you feel, think, etc. Normally you ARE the emotion, but now you just see it. You don't have to be a Buddhist to do this, and you can do it during your normal life. It can lead to great insight about how you work and your habits.

Also, Easy mention about "having to look good" to succeed in life. We all know that's not true. Some of the scariest looking people have been super successful. Im sure easy is not bad looking, but confidence and personality seem to always over ride looks.

I know. I don't even look bad, and I've always known I don't look bad in the back of my head, and yet I think I don't look good! I think the problem is that I want to look perfect. In fact, I have been told that I look good by several girls, but my mind only focuses on negative things I've heard.
It's not my main problem or anything, but to 'solve' my SA I need to accept myself too. It's all related (to what others think of me).