Problems with friends, insecurity, loneliness, and "violent" shyness

[HeadFace]

I think that about sums up my depression in a few words.

I'm so paranoid about the few friends I have. I've noticed that I'm not really in a social circle with any of them, and it bugs me. I often wonder if they're just embarassed to know me - or too embarassed to invite me to hang out with their friends. I mean meeting people to begin with is hard enough... But then the few friends I manage to keep almost refuse to invite me to other social events, or into their "circle" in general.

I've met one of my friends social circle. They all hate me for some reason now. My friend told me that they didn't like me hanging out with them, and that they disliked me. My friend decided to bring this up after we already made plans, bailed on me, and told me that her friends wanted to hang out. I was devestated to be honest. I mean, I'm not sure if that sounds... Overdramatic. But I confided in her, and was extremely comfortable with her. Only for her to turn on me like that. I mean, I wouldnt mind that her friends disliked me. Hey, I can't get along with everyone. It sucks, yeah. But that wouldn't have been a big deal. What devestated and frusterated me that she basically flat out implied that she'd never choose me over any of her other friends. I was a second choice while she was one of my top priorities.

I had a similiar struggle with my other friend. But instead of pointing out that her friends disliked me
(which I doubt they did. I've only met one or two and it was super awkward and quiet)
she just kept repeatedly bailing on me for the lamest excuses.
Spring break, right? She had homework to do.
Like... It wasnt even nearing an end. it was the middle of break. She could've done it later that night. And if I remember correctly, she went out that night anyway, and didn't even work on anything while she could've been hanging out with me.
That's just one of the examples of her bailing on me, along with the other friend I mentioned earlier.

And lately, they've both been blatantly denying me of any conversation. I don't mean that to be clingy. But I mean, it's been quite a number of days since I've had a real conversation with either of them.

Another issue I'm struggling with is that I'm terrified of ever venting to either of them about almost any of my problems. I don't know if they take it seriously. When I brought up my friend's friends, and that they disliked me and how I was upset that she bailed on me last second like that for her other friends, she simply said
"lol stop whining" (text. of course.)
Which means it was all trivial to her. I'm not a big deal, even though I've helped her through a lot, and she's helped me through a lot. We've both had so many great memories. And now I don't matter. It doesn't really phase me any more, but it still feels bad and upsets me to think about it.

So now I feel like I've lost two great friends, and if I tried to "win" them back it'd end terribley. Like I'd try and be interesting and just look like a desperate clingy idiot.

I have another friend as well, I don't talk to him as often. And he's much more drama prone. But I feel like we have too many indifferences and it gets awkard at times. I of course haven't counted him out as a friend. Only counted him out as someone I could get very close too.

It all makes me very lonely. Just thinking about how they both have great friends and social groups - that I could've been apart of if I wasn't such a boring, weak, loser. Makes me pretty upset.

On top of that I have social anxiety. It's been getting better - but on the other end of that scale it's getting way too hard to meet people. I don't remember the last person I went up to and striked any sort of conversation with on my own free will or interest.
In case I confused you... I find it pretty easy to do small things now (order. goto the store. go for a walk). But still, going for help to a proffesor, or trying to make a new friend or just a simple conversation with a stranger... Very difficult.

And I have almost no confidence/self asteem. I know I'm not attractive - but not ugly. But that's about all I can pull up. I feel like I'm the most boring person possible. Too dependant when I start getting close to someone. I'm not interested in the whole "fitting in" thing. More of, I just want some ****ing friends.

Also my life feels empty, dull, pointless, hopeless, and incredibley empty. Like if there's just a huge gaping hole in my daily life where I could be doing stuff that'll actually matter in the next few weeks.

 

[planemo]

since I went undercover a few years ago (which basically means i'm housebound: I cut off all contact with the few remaining friends i had. I knew then that if i was to show them my insecurities there would be no compassion, just ridicule. They tried to establish some contact with me, saying they were wondering where i went to, or jokingly asked if i was dead. I gave them the cold shoulder. The reason i did that was because i knew i wasn't compatible with them. they were "cool" and i knew if they really had a choice they would choose other "cool" people over me. so when they tried to make an effort to meet again i said no.

i'm sorry that happened to you with your friends. from my experience i can tell you that my friends liked me as i was loyal and always helped them and never let them down. but when they needed someone to go out with or to enjoy themselves, they disregarded me completely. it hurt like hell the first few times. I even gave them the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe they were shy to ask me to join them, but i quickly figured it had all to do with appearances and my appearance was plain and certainly on the prosaic side. i suppose they really saw no benefit in letting me tag along, even after i invited them to tag along with me, and even saving them from having to fork out cash.

i guess for people who are socially apt, people like us who are inept, tend to be seen as lowly. But i know what you're going through as one feels like you made a connection with the person or persons, so much so that they would disregard your inability as you've offered so much to them as a friend. then when you realise that's not the case, you feel really hurt and betrayed.

i don't really know your friends but in my case i told them not explicitly but implicitly to "bugger off", but if you feel you can still salvage something from your relationship, then you should try.

 

[this_portrait]

Sadly, even the closest of friends can drift apart over time because people change. Sometimes "friends" aren't even really friends and they just use you, or they take you for granted. It's unfortunate that it seems like your friends are drifting apart from you, and I wish I could offer some advice better than something like, "Try meeting new people." I've been in the same situation before quite a few times, and there were even a couple times when I was the one who took friends for granted.

I can definitely relate to not being brought around the friends of your own friends. I've had my fair share of friends who would talk to me at school a lot, but they wouldn't invite me to parties or things like that. Hell, my ex-boyfriend never even introduced me to any of his friends. Whenever we would be together, it seemed like he preferred to be around me only in private and not so much out in public (he actually did, because I was less socially awkward in private). That really made me feel like an embarrassment to be around, though, and it hurt my feelings quite a bit.

So yeah, I can definitely relate to what you're going through. I highly doubt you're a boring person, though; I think you just need to get past your SA a bit and find people who appreciate you more.

 

[theslowesthand]

It REALLY sucks when even your closets friends are "embarassed" to be seen with you. That really hits you deep-down. Its like a double-whammy: it means the people who supposedly accept you at the deepset levels, also REJECT you at the deepst levels. That really screws with your head. It makes you question everything about yourself. It's a crazy, really f'ed-up situation to be in.

 

[Luka]

I feel like I'm the most boring person possible.

I already thought you were interesting for having link as your pp!

But on the side note, I don't have great friends either. I'm just thankful I have people to 'hang' around with I guess. What I've learnt to do is focus on the things that I like. Atm, I really enjoy my lessons at school (well, some of them for the most part) and I've got a lot of video games to complete which brings me more things to look forward to. For some reason, lately, I've been very optimistic - hah!

 

[HeadFace]

since I went undercover a few years ago (which basically means i'm housebound: I cut off all contact with the few remaining friends i had. I knew then that if i was to show them my insecurities there would be no compassion, just ridicule. They tried to establish some contact with me, saying they were wondering where i went to, or jokingly asked if i was dead. I gave them the cold shoulder. The reason i did that was because i knew i wasn't compatible with them. they were "cool" and i knew if they really had a choice they would choose other "cool" people over me. so when they tried to make an effort to meet again i said no.

i'm sorry that happened to you with your friends. from my experience i can tell you that my friends liked me as i was loyal and always helped them and never let them down. but when they needed someone to go out with or to enjoy themselves, they disregarded me completely. it hurt like hell the first few times. I even gave them the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe they were shy to ask me to join them, but i quickly figured it had all to do with appearances and my appearance was plain and certainly on the prosaic side. i suppose they really saw no benefit in letting me tag along, even after i invited them to tag along with me, and even saving them from having to fork out cash.

i guess for people who are socially apt, people like us who are inept, tend to be seen as lowly. But i know what you're going through as one feels like you made a connection with the person or persons, so much so that they would disregard your inability as you've offered so much to them as a friend. then when you realise that's not the case, you feel really hurt and betrayed.

i don't really know your friends but in my case i told them not explicitly but implicitly to "bugger off", but if you feel you can still salvage something from your relationship, then you should try.

Yeah, it seems like I'm just about in the same situation. I've actually shrugged them off for long periods before (ranging from just a few days, to 2 months) but somehow always end up talking to them again. I think that the only reason they kept in contact with me, was because I've been the only constant friend in their life, or something. But they sure don't treat me like I'm a big deal.
The whole "cool" group thing that you mentioned earlier.. It's really cruel. In some ways they're mature (mature enough to be my friend). But in other ways, they're very immature. Like being ashamed of being seen in public with me. Not thinking I'm "cool" enough for their group. It's really lame, when viewed from our perspective. I guess they don't realize it.

Sadly, even the closest of friends can drift apart over time because people change. Sometimes "friends" aren't even really friends and they just use you, or they take you for granted. It's unfortunate that it seems like your friends are drifting apart from you, and I wish I could offer some advice better than something like, "Try meeting new people." I've been in the same situation before quite a few times, and there were even a couple times when I was the one who took friends for granted.

I can definitely relate to not being brought around the friends of your own friends. I've had my fair share of friends who would talk to me at school a lot, but they wouldn't invite me to parties or things like that. Hell, my ex-boyfriend never even introduced me to any of his friends. Whenever we would be together, it seemed like he preferred to be around me only in private and not so much out in public (he actually did, because I was less socially awkward in private). That really made me feel like an embarrassment to be around, though, and it hurt my feelings quite a bit.

So yeah, I can definitely relate to what you're going through. I highly doubt you're a boring person, though; I think you just need to get past your SA a bit and find people who appreciate you more.

Maybe your ex didnt want you to be uncomfortable or bored with your friends or anything? You should've brought it up (and if you did, I'd like to hear about it). But what's done is done I guess.

It REALLY sucks when even your closets friends are "embarassed" to be seen with you. That really hits you deep-down. Its like a double-whammy: it means the people who supposedly accept you at the deepset levels, also REJECT you at the deepst levels. That really screws with your head. It makes you question everything about yourself. It's a crazy, really f'ed-up situation to be in.

Yeah, it does. I mean, I'm never really comfortable around anyone like I am with my friends. I let them in so deep, and then they can just turn around the next day, and treat you like ****.

I already thought you were interesting for having link as your pp!

But on the side note, I don't have great friends either. I'm just thankful I have people to 'hang' around with I guess. What I've learnt to do is focus on the things that I like. Atm, I really enjoy my lessons at school (well, some of them for the most part) and I've got a lot of video games to complete which brings me more things to look forward to. For some reason, lately, I've been very optimistic - hah!

Thanks I guess. I love the Zelda series.

And yeah that's how I feel about my friends at the moment. No longer great or "best" friends. But just people to keep me company. I don't feel close to them any more, and I don't feel like I confide in them or trust them very much any more.
And that's good that you've been optimistic.
For me, I have manic depression, so I get kind of... Random, extreme mood swings. So one moment I'll feel like dying, and then maybe in a few hours or the next day I'll feel on top of the world. So I randomly get feelings of great optimism too.

 

[HeadFace]

since I went undercover a few years ago (which basically means i'm housebound: I cut off all contact with the few remaining friends i had. I knew then that if i was to show them my insecurities there would be no compassion, just ridicule. They tried to establish some contact with me, saying they were wondering where i went to, or jokingly asked if i was dead. I gave them the cold shoulder. The reason i did that was because i knew i wasn't compatible with them. they were "cool" and i knew if they really had a choice they would choose other "cool" people over me. so when they tried to make an effort to meet again i said no.

i'm sorry that happened to you with your friends. from my experience i can tell you that my friends liked me as i was loyal and always helped them and never let them down. but when they needed someone to go out with or to enjoy themselves, they disregarded me completely. it hurt like hell the first few times. I even gave them the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe they were shy to ask me to join them, but i quickly figured it had all to do with appearances and my appearance was plain and certainly on the prosaic side. i suppose they really saw no benefit in letting me tag along, even after i invited them to tag along with me, and even saving them from having to fork out cash.

i guess for people who are socially apt, people like us who are inept, tend to be seen as lowly. But i know what you're going through as one feels like you made a connection with the person or persons, so much so that they would disregard your inability as you've offered so much to them as a friend. then when you realise that's not the case, you feel really hurt and betrayed.

i don't really know your friends but in my case i told them not explicitly but implicitly to "bugger off", but if you feel you can still salvage something from your relationship, then you should try.

Yeah, it seems like I'm just about in the same situation. I've actually shrugged them off for long periods before (ranging from just a few days, to 2 months) but somehow always end up talking to them again. I think that the only reason they kept in contact with me, was because I've been the only constant friend in their life, or something. But they sure don't treat me like I'm a big deal.
The whole "cool" group thing that you mentioned earlier.. It's really cruel. In some ways they're mature (mature enough to be my friend). But in other ways, they're very immature. Like being ashamed of being seen in public with me. Not thinking I'm "cool" enough for their group. It's really lame, when viewed from our perspective. I guess they don't realize it.

Sadly, even the closest of friends can drift apart over time because people change. Sometimes "friends" aren't even really friends and they just use you, or they take you for granted. It's unfortunate that it seems like your friends are drifting apart from you, and I wish I could offer some advice better than something like, "Try meeting new people." I've been in the same situation before quite a few times, and there were even a couple times when I was the one who took friends for granted.

I can definitely relate to not being brought around the friends of your own friends. I've had my fair share of friends who would talk to me at school a lot, but they wouldn't invite me to parties or things like that. Hell, my ex-boyfriend never even introduced me to any of his friends. Whenever we would be together, it seemed like he preferred to be around me only in private and not so much out in public (he actually did, because I was less socially awkward in private). That really made me feel like an embarrassment to be around, though, and it hurt my feelings quite a bit.

So yeah, I can definitely relate to what you're going through. I highly doubt you're a boring person, though; I think you just need to get past your SA a bit and find people who appreciate you more.

Maybe your ex didnt want you to be uncomfortable or bored with your friends or anything? You should've brought it up (and if you did, I'd like to hear about it). But what's done is done I guess.

It REALLY sucks when even your closets friends are "embarassed" to be seen with you. That really hits you deep-down. Its like a double-whammy: it means the people who supposedly accept you at the deepset levels, also REJECT you at the deepst levels. That really screws with your head. It makes you question everything about yourself. It's a crazy, really f'ed-up situation to be in.

Yeah, it does. I mean, I'm never really comfortable around anyone like I am with my friends. I let them in so deep, and then they can just turn around the next day, and treat you like ****.

I already thought you were interesting for having link as your pp!

But on the side note, I don't have great friends either. I'm just thankful I have people to 'hang' around with I guess. What I've learnt to do is focus on the things that I like. Atm, I really enjoy my lessons at school (well, some of them for the most part) and I've got a lot of video games to complete which brings me more things to look forward to. For some reason, lately, I've been very optimistic - hah!

Thanks I guess. I love the Zelda series.

And yeah that's how I feel about my friends at the moment. No longer great or "best" friends. But just people to keep me company. I don't feel close to them any more, and I don't feel like I confide in them or trust them very much any more.
And that's good that you've been optimistic.
For me, I have manic depression, so I get kind of... Random, extreme mood swings. So one moment I'll feel like dying, and then maybe in a few hours or the next day I'll feel on top of the world. So I randomly get feelings of great optimism too.

 

[HeadFace]

since I went undercover a few years ago (which basically means i'm housebound: I cut off all contact with the few remaining friends i had. I knew then that if i was to show them my insecurities there would be no compassion, just ridicule. They tried to establish some contact with me, saying they were wondering where i went to, or jokingly asked if i was dead. I gave them the cold shoulder. The reason i did that was because i knew i wasn't compatible with them. they were "cool" and i knew if they really had a choice they would choose other "cool" people over me. so when they tried to make an effort to meet again i said no.

i'm sorry that happened to you with your friends. from my experience i can tell you that my friends liked me as i was loyal and always helped them and never let them down. but when they needed someone to go out with or to enjoy themselves, they disregarded me completely. it hurt like hell the first few times. I even gave them the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe they were shy to ask me to join them, but i quickly figured it had all to do with appearances and my appearance was plain and certainly on the prosaic side. i suppose they really saw no benefit in letting me tag along, even after i invited them to tag along with me, and even saving them from having to fork out cash.

i guess for people who are socially apt, people like us who are inept, tend to be seen as lowly. But i know what you're going through as one feels like you made a connection with the person or persons, so much so that they would disregard your inability as you've offered so much to them as a friend. then when you realise that's not the case, you feel really hurt and betrayed.

i don't really know your friends but in my case i told them not explicitly but implicitly to "bugger off", but if you feel you can still salvage something from your relationship, then you should try.

Yeah, it seems like I'm just about in the same situation. I've actually shrugged them off for long periods before (ranging from just a few days, to 2 months) but somehow always end up talking to them again. I think that the only reason they kept in contact with me, was because I've been the only constant friend in their life, or something. But they sure don't treat me like I'm a big deal.
The whole "cool" group thing that you mentioned earlier.. It's really cruel. In some ways they're mature (mature enough to be my friend). But in other ways, they're very immature. Like being ashamed of being seen in public with me. Not thinking I'm "cool" enough for their group. It's really lame, when viewed from our perspective. I guess they don't realize it.

Sadly, even the closest of friends can drift apart over time because people change. Sometimes "friends" aren't even really friends and they just use you, or they take you for granted. It's unfortunate that it seems like your friends are drifting apart from you, and I wish I could offer some advice better than something like, "Try meeting new people." I've been in the same situation before quite a few times, and there were even a couple times when I was the one who took friends for granted.

I can definitely relate to not being brought around the friends of your own friends. I've had my fair share of friends who would talk to me at school a lot, but they wouldn't invite me to parties or things like that. Hell, my ex-boyfriend never even introduced me to any of his friends. Whenever we would be together, it seemed like he preferred to be around me only in private and not so much out in public (he actually did, because I was less socially awkward in private). That really made me feel like an embarrassment to be around, though, and it hurt my feelings quite a bit.

So yeah, I can definitely relate to what you're going through. I highly doubt you're a boring person, though; I think you just need to get past your SA a bit and find people who appreciate you more.

Maybe your ex didnt want you to be uncomfortable or bored with your friends or anything? You should've brought it up (and if you did, I'd like to hear about it). But what's done is done I guess.

It REALLY sucks when even your closets friends are "embarassed" to be seen with you. That really hits you deep-down. Its like a double-whammy: it means the people who supposedly accept you at the deepset levels, also REJECT you at the deepst levels. That really screws with your head. It makes you question everything about yourself. It's a crazy, really f'ed-up situation to be in.

Yeah, it does. I mean, I'm never really comfortable around anyone like I am with my friends. I let them in so deep, and then they can just turn around the next day, and treat you like ****.

I already thought you were interesting for having link as your pp!

But on the side note, I don't have great friends either. I'm just thankful I have people to 'hang' around with I guess. What I've learnt to do is focus on the things that I like. Atm, I really enjoy my lessons at school (well, some of them for the most part) and I've got a lot of video games to complete which brings me more things to look forward to. For some reason, lately, I've been very optimistic - hah!

Thanks I guess. I love the Zelda series.

And yeah that's how I feel about my friends at the moment. No longer great or "best" friends. But just people to keep me company. I don't feel close to them any more, and I don't feel like I confide in them or trust them very much any more.
And that's good that you've been optimistic.
For me, I have manic depression, so I get kind of... Random, extreme mood swings. So one moment I'll feel like dying, and then maybe in a few hours or the next day I'll feel on top of the world. So I randomly get feelings of great optimism too.

 

[HeadFace]

Baddummmp.