problem with conversation

[Al T]

Hi all,

I don't post often. I have an ongoing problem with difficulty making conversation - particularly in keeping a conversation going. Usually it doesn't matter too much, but I have a situation where I am struggling.

Brief background,, I have a co-worker who lost his 20 year old daughter last summer in a car accident. I have been checking in with him a couple of times a week, seeing how he is doing and all. We are causal work friends at best, and that is fine.

Usually he is busy when we talk so I only stay in his office a few minutes or so. Today he wasn't as busy, but I just had a difficulty with the conversation. We commented on the French politician who the chambermaid accused of sexual assault, and also the Arnold Schwarzenegger situation, a little about the Yankees as well. Despite the openings he gave me, I really couldn't keep the conversation going aside from a comment or two. I asked him how he was doing, and he said he had a cople of things he needed to get working on (I didn't pry for information, I think it was in regard to his personal life). After leaving his office, I thought of a couple of things for each of the aforementioned topics I could have said to make the conversation go on longer.

Now, I have a problem with shyness that a lot of my co-workers may not realize. Normally it is not a big deal, but in my efforts to be a supportive friend to this man, I just wish I could do better with conversation.

Also (and this really is the quesiton here), is there a roundabout way that I can let him know of my social difficulties - not for sympathy, but for understanding. I would hate for him to think I was werid that I sometiems go buy his office to see how he is doing but end up not saying a whole heck of a lot. I would love to just tell him that straight out, but I would feel like a dork - LOL. Of course, I can always relate a difficulty in similar situations (like at a recent wedding reception where conversation was hard for me) and that could be my lead in to explaining my social inability.

Just a note - a lot of my inability, I believe does stem from being legally blind. As I was often made fun of in school, espeically in gym class, I tended to keep to myself a lot, and that, I guess, effected my conversation skills (or lack of, as the case is). I really want him to understand, but I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable and feel like he has to make an extra effor (considering all he has been though in the past year).



Any help/suggesions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Al

 

[Al T]

Thanks for the very nice, thoughtful reply. I probably am being too hard on myself - he probably didn't give it a second thought, and here i am analyzing it - LOL. I'm sorry you have the same struggles, though that is great that your co-worker siad that about missing your wit and humor.

Ah - you hit the nail right on the head - I don't like expressing strong opinions, so my conversation is a bit more passive (boring - LOL).

True, he may realize my inability at conversation already. That is a great idea to have some topics ready for when I talk to him.

Thanks, I may be putting this burdon on myslef in addition to my eyesight issues. I appreicate your kind words, and I proably should cut myself a break in this respect. Yep, ther are a lot of us out there iwth these social difficulties.

Thanks again, your advice and kind words really made a difference!

I can't give any suggestions because I have the same issue. Fifteen minutes later I think, "Damn, I should have said this!" Is it possible you are being too hard on yourself? I think I'm a crappy conversationalist but a coworker who moved to another state a few weeks ago emailed me last night and told me that she missed my quick wit and humor, which, of course, surprised me because I wouldn't think that anyone would describe me that way.

Is it possible that you don't like to express strong opinions? Strong opinions can cause judgements/arguments and uncomfortable situations in conversations. Some people avoid them at all costs and some people can't stop spewing their opinions. But not expressing opinions in conversation can make for a slightly boring talk.

Either way, I don't think you have to apologize to him. He probably is already aware that conversations may not come easily to you. I guess I do have one suggestion....since you are at least able to anticipate that you are going to have a conversation with him think about a few topics you can talk with him about beforehand. But for topics that he brings up...be yourself, say what comes to mind. Drawing blanks? Then maybe change the conversation.

Living life legally blind has to be hard enough without having this extra burden on you. Cut yourself a break and know you are not alone in the world. There are lots of us out there.

 

[krs2snow]

From what I've read of ur two posts on this topic, u seem like a very kind and thoughtful person! I have found that when keeping a conversation going it is very important to be receptive to what the other person is expressing and trying to dilute ur own insecurities by really and truely listening to- and focusing on- the person ur talking with. On the occasions that I am actually sucessful in doing this, I have found the conversation comes much more naturally than I ever imagined it could. I've actually used breathing techniques to quite my heartbeat and soothe my thoughts before I say things when I'm in the middle of conversations w/pple. I literally take a moment where I breath and quiet my anxieties and then I say whatever comes to mind. What I say, most often, in hindsight, didn't come out as eloquently as I intend but I feel good with the thought that at least I said what I needed and wanted to say in the given situation. It sounds to me like u're interested in this co-worker? Maybe u're interested just as friends and maybe it's something more- which could add additional anxiety when talking w/him- but either way try to silence ur mind and say what's in ur heart. Meaning, be true to urself. Talk from ur heart and try to silence the critic from within. Based on this post, u have the ability to express urself very well when needed. Now, u just have to cultivate that skill for when u want it! As far as telling him about urself, that will come more naturally when u feel more natural around him. Keep the conversations going. Don't try to "Plan" what u're going to say but keep interacting with him. "Plan" to talk to him but don't plan what will be said. And try to rejoice in the awkwardness that is your conversation with him. When the time is right, u will tell him more about urself. For now, enjoy the excitement of getting to know ur friend (possibly more??!!) a little bit better. Intention is a very powerful force.

 

[Al T]

Thanks for the insight and the tips. You really gave me some good advice as well. It is just friendship in this case, nothing more than that. My posts seem a bit "strong," I guess, but it comes from a deep feeling of sympathy for him (and his family) over tthe loss of his daughter.
thanks again for the reply and the advice. It really has helped.
Al

 

[Al T]

My brother died in a car crash so i can kind of relate to the situation your co-worker is in, he can most likely see what your doing and appreciates the effort. I think when you have a close bereavement you can see more than ever who is avoiding you and the "awkwardness" like the plague, and who is making an effort to be nice.

I think you're worrying about this too much.

Thanks, I'm sure my co-worker does see what I am trying to do. I do tend to over-think things and worry too mcuh. I have really gotten some great advice on this thread!


Sorry about your brother.

Al

 

[boro]

This sounds familiar. For me its like my emotions or thoughts are locked in a cage that they cant break free of which can create anxiety, but for me its mostly disappointment which leads to being dispirited about the whole conversation. All I can suggest is if their is any anxiety dont try and run from it but accept it in its entirety. When I remember to do this I always end up feeling better, just as I do when I dont actually expect the conversation to go well. Its all very counter intuitive for me.

 

[krs2snow]

^^^^ It is counterintuitive. For sure. Its deciding not to listen to ur body, thoughts or anxieties and instead listen to ur reasonable self. And it takes courage P.S. Al T, Your post is not too strong. Ur simply expressing ur feelings of compasion. I am sorry, I misread ur post and interpreted my own feelings and assumed u to be a female. My mistake. Male friendships and interactions are foriegn to me in the fact that I am female but intimacy and friendship are universal. U seem to feel a sense of kinship for this co-worker. I think my advice stands regardless of the level of initamacy. Get to know ur new friend. Be honest w/urself and try to quiet ur anxieties. If u find him intimidating, take a deep breath and try to get back to reality (we're all just pple living on earth and trying to survive and make the best out of things). Ur obviously drawn to him and feel a connection and kinship w/him. Explore this and find out why he and u are interacting at this very time at this very date. His friendship may hold some valuable insights into urself.