Please help

[lincoln2]

I would really appreciate your help. I think a family member has SA and really want to help them. It's been going on for a few years. Basically he stays in his room a lot. He's 28 lives at home, is very secretive, uses the internet a lot ,avoids social events. Doesn't seem to have friends, doesn't keep up friendships, is very quiet in company. Seems very self conscious of his actions, I think he feels people judge him. Often explains a social situation and asks of his actions "was that wierd"/ "was that OK". He drinks on his own in secret in his room. Not sure of the extent of the drinking so not sure if it a problem. Stays up late and has mentioned difficulty sleeping. Doesn't have relationships.
On the plus side he has a successful career, goes to work evrey day passes exams etc.
He's a great person and I just feel life is passing him by. I have tried to talk to him about this but he clams up and gets annoyed. I think he is very proud and doesn't want to appear weak. In your opinion does he have SA. If yes, what's the best way to approach this/help. I would really appreciate your help. Thank you so much for reding this.

 

[Scars]

IMO he definitely has SA or something similar or related like depression. Whatever the case, you NEED to break through the walls he puts up around himself. Not many people realize this, but a lot of people with SA, depression, anxiety etc close themselves in for reasons I don't even completely understand even though I do it myself. The best explanation I can come up with is that we feel like our problems are our responsibility or something... but in reality we NEED someone who really loves and cares about us to get through that and help us out of it. Be for him the person most of us never get the chance to have. Best of luck, I hope you can help him through this.

 

[lincoln2]

Thanks for your advice. The problem is if I ask him if he is OK/ happy he gets annoyed or changes the subject. It has got to the stage where our conversations are really superficial. He doesn't reveal anything about himself at all. I don't know how to help him or if there is anything I can do. I think he knows that lots of people care about him but he doesn't let anyone in.

What can I do?? Would appreciate any more advice.
To all the people who have social anxiety that is keeping you from living your lives....how would you like your family to treat you?
Again thanks for any help.

 

[fudgy]

If you can't talk to him because of how he reacts , then could you possibly just charge straight in there with an email , that way he doesn't have the added factor of being confronted in the flesh or verbally . Maybe you could just send him a link about sa with a message explaining he might find it interesting to read and your offering him help and support if he needs it.

 

[Ravens]

Taking fudgy's idea about sending a link to info on SA one step further, it might be a good idea to send him a link here. I found it both interesting, and almost a relief when I learned I wasn't the only one (in my case through counselling, but it's all the same realisation). I've no idea how much he knows about his condition, or whether he even realises it is a "condition".
Perhaps he'll find it easier to open up to others who are dealing with the same or similar issues, over a medium which is less intimidating, and which he is already spending a great deal of time on.
Good luck, to both of you

 

[fudgy]

Taking fudgy's idea about sending a link to info on SA one step further, it might be a good idea to send him a link here.

I very nearly suggested that ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

as to find this many like minded people when your suffering is a good thing, however I also wondered if it was a bit overwhelming and if it would scare him away seeing all this depression and despair.

 

[Pleut]

Have you 'observed' him in social situations? I mean, I don't know what the age difference or relationship with him is, but maybe invite him out with you to see if that helps? Is it possible that he just doesn't have the opportunity to meet people, and so feels that he won't be able to?
I never met new people when I was in high school; my social life was non-existent for a long time until people started 'forcing' me to hang out with them, and even now I find it hard to meet new people unless there's someone I know and trust with me.
I know it's not the same, but maybe...? I don't know. =/

 

[Hannes]

Hi all,

I am also new to this forum and am myself finding it extremely interesting and full of insight. I would like to submit my 2cents worth on this topic if I may.

I have found in life that the principle way to be able to actually "get through" to someone like your friend is to be able to build a relationship of TRUST before confronting them about what we percieve to be their problems.

If you get to personal or in their face about the condition before you have managed to build the trust, you become part of the "Them" in their "Me vs. Them" feelings.

Sometimes it is best to actually simply offer true and unconditional friendship first by not focusing on their problems but rather how to simply enjoy time together with no emphasis being put on what you feel is wrong with them.

This way you will begin to establish a relationship of trust and mutural respect. If they have a mood swing flow with it and don't allow them to think they are a burden to you or upsetting you.

Simply roll with the punches and and show them you are trustworthy and your frienship unconditional. This way once you have established trust you can begin to look for ways to begin to help them help themselves.