Perpetually embarrassed.

[JWH]

Whether it's something I've said, the way I've dressed or on a day where I took some initiative I just get this overwhelming feeling of shame.

For example, recently while taking the dog for a walk, someone said something to me. I couldn't hear what he'd said though, so I had to ask him to repeat it. I still didn't understand what was said and just kept walking on ahead. I felt like I'd done something so rude afterwards but at the time it just seemed natural that I fake a smile and move on. A week or two later, and I still worry about walking in that direction for fear of bumping into the person!

Another thing that bothers me is my immaturity and overenthusiasm in the past. Just cleaning up my computer I'm reminded of tiny little things that I hated about my past self. I know others have just accepted that it was a "Jane" thing, but I can't seem to accept myself or my past.

Is there anyone else who feels like this?

 

[Egmanns]

Embarassing

Yes absolutely. I used to feel that all the time, not so much anymore. I think youll find most people with SP will have similar symptoms. By the way where in Aust you from?

 

[Yossarian]

Good God yes. Or at least I used to. It used to be one of my favourite pastimes, go to bed, spend hours going through all the stupid things I've said or done in my head. Hoping if I curl up tight enough I might disappear completely. Often I would go back to things over 15 years ago.

I don't know what happened but lately I've stopped caring. I've just started thinking so effing what. I have done nothing to get this turn around but now I really don't care. Everyone does it, so should anyone think low of me then they are just a hypocrite and their opinion means nothing to me. I don't hold it against anyone or belittle their mistakes so why should they.

Of course it never used to be about their opinion. It was always my own judgement of myself but I guess I've just eased off. I'm a decent person. No saint, not perfect but generally I mean well. To me that's what matters now.

Take your example Jane. You tried to understand him. So what if you couldn't. Did he have a thick accent? Did he speak clearly or loud enough to hear? It's not like you deliberately couldn't understand him. Why should you hang around all day until you understand him. You did what most people would do. You are under no obligation to talk to strangers anyway.

Even if it was rude, so what? Is there a law against being rude? Is the world going to end? Sod it. You tried, what more could you do? As for meeting him again. It's just as much your right to be on this planet as anyone else. Plus he probably feels embarrassed too, which he shouldn't. It's just one of those things.

As for immaturity and over enthusiasm. Well how long ago are these haunting memories? Immaturity and enthusiasm go hand in hand with being young. This maybe the age of the apathy, cynicism, indifference and the anti-hero but enthusiasm is nothing to be ashamed of. It just means you care about something.

Every great thing that has ever been achieved has been driven by enthusiasm. This world needs more not less.

It's dangerous to judge the past with a modern perspective. Ok I'm waffling now. I dunno, just give yourself a break. Easy to say - as always but what can we realisticly expect of ourselves? Just try to do your best. If you fail then hold your head up and say you tried.

Ha ha, you gotta love cliches. Still there's some truth to it I reckon. I think this quote is from Angela Bassett in Stange Days: "Memories fade for a reason". Makes sense to me. Let go of the past so you can move onto the future.

Ha ha, yup I love my cliches. Sorry if this is a load of rambling tosh but hey I tried.

 

[JWH]

Egmanns, I'm in Sydney. There's a thread somewhere on SPW which mentions those in Sydney.

Of course I'm sure it's a common thing with SP, it's silly of me to think I'm the only one! It's just I carry my worries with me for so long. I can't get through the day without thinking, "god I can't believe I did that" or reliving some other stupid thing I've done in my life. As a result I just end up supressing any slightly creative idea I have for fear I'm being superficial, or rather being a bit too "Jane".

I just don't seem to be able to be me - whoever that may be. I feel like I'm always changing or putting on a facade. Being happy for the temporary people or not there at all for the people who do the most for me in life.

A bit of a rant I know, but it's good for me to have something typed out on the subject. Yay for the internet.

 

[JWH]

I did stop caring for a while, but I've recoiled recently.

Oh these memories are only even months old! It's like anything I do today is old tomorrow.

Well I can't really say you're wrong Yoss, but I can't tell my brain to go piss off either.

Ha. I've got that dvd somewhere. Your brain must be a big place.

 

[J]

I totally relate to what you say, JWH! I still get bothered by remembering stupid things I did 15 or more years ago, even!

I right there with Yoss, too... excellent post there, my man!

 

[clairet]

I do agree! Yossarian, that was a mighty speech! And there was much truth and wisdom among the cliches.

I love proverbs! There are many ways to skin a cat, every cloud etc etc but always poignant!

Jane, I feel like that sometimes too - over analyse things too much but when all gets too much I try to switch over to the "Yossarian way of thinking" and make myself believe that everybody makes mistakes and you are right, that we can be harder on ourselves than anybody else, but have just as much right as anybody else to let go of mistakes committed. Everybody hurts somebody at some point in their lives unintentionally (and those that think they do it the most probably do it the least!)

 

[JWH]

J! I wanted that username! Now I'm stuck with J-W-H. How boring.

Clairet, it's all very well to hurt people, but how do I get over the guilt of not being able to clean my room?

 

[kattness]

i cant even look back at things like that cos i hate everything about my past...... i know what your saying about still being worried about things thats happened over yrs.
i think im just one of those people who cant let go , its a horrible thing to have

 

[clairet]

Clairet, it's all very well to hurt people, but how do I get over the guilt of not being able to clean my room? [/quote]

Do you really feel that guilty about cleaning your room? If so, I'm no expert, but this is the advice I can try to give you When I experience any type of negative feelings I find that I have two ways of coping. I either try to think about something else- something positive and focus on that - I still find this difficult however, or I do something physical, it could be anything, wiping a table to making a bed, and I find that this really helps me change my pattern of thoughts. It actually seems to work better than actively trying to think about something else. No mind-boggling solutions there but I find some sort of comfort in them (sometimes!)

Hope I've been helpful

 

[Yossarian]

but I can't tell my brain to go piss off either.

Yeah you can. It might not come naturally but when you get these cringe inducing thoughts challenge them. Build up a mind set of "so what?". Get angry, get pissed off. Start fighting for yourself rather than against.

Oh and my brain is small, but it does have alot of space lol.

 

[JWH]

Yeah, I really do feel ashamed that I find it so hard to clean stuff. I just don't have the mental strength to do it. That's a good way to go about changing things though. I'm going to go clean something small now. Let's see how that goes.

Borest - I'm the queen of that too! Seriously, your username is fine.

 

[JWH]

I cleaned today! Not nearly enough, but it was a start.

I find it hard to organise, I think that's my problem. I get stressed when things around me aren't organised and I have no capability to change that.

 

[Yossarian]

Yay Jane!!