I've been reading the self-help book Painfully Shy, the section on existential concerns, and that got me thinking about motivation. Mainly, why I am motivated to better my life at all. The book lists a bunch of reasons that often give people their sense of purpose in life; vague, metaphysical directives like "leave the world a better place to live in," or "know myself and those close to me," or "create a sense of home," along with a half dozen others.
Just a bunch of empty words to me. If those are the things people strive for, I wonder why they bother. What does any of that shit matter in the end? History remembers a smattering of people after their deaths, and even those few are unable to witness the "immortality" they earned. Do they care what they accomplished now? Is it any comfort in the grave? Of course not. They're all equal now, along with all the other corpses. How was it worth it?
I'm reminded of my college years. I didn't have any motivation then, either. Oh, there was a vague desire to get a degree, get a job afterward, but no particular reason to care about one field or another. Even getting a job seemed kind of unrewarding -- I only wanted one so I could have enough money to live on my own, move out of my parent's house and get them out of my ear. There's nothing else I cared about. I don't have any lofty ideals to better the human race or whatever (with a definite emphasis on "whatever", there), nor does career advancement interest me. In fact, the whole concept of corporate achievement always seemed like a ridiculous waste of time to me.
Currently I'm out of college. On academic suspension. Still at my parent's house.
Raising a family is another goal i never really understood. That is, I get it on a biological level, propagating the human species and all that. But emotionally, I just don't... have you actually looked at most families out there? Bitter, unhappy, dysfunctional -- while the parents are either cheating on each other or already divorced. That's the better life I'm supposed to look forward to?
Then there's the fact of raising children, something that people are even worse at than marriage. How'm I supposed to raise a kid better than i was raised? And if I can't... fuck! You think I want to give this life to someone else?
The only things I can say that I want for sure are women. I don't mean that in a sexist way, so hopefully no one gets the wrong impression. I just like women. I don't think it's abnormal to want them in my life. But that desire in itself becomes an obstacle, because I'm a social screw-up. So that desire only makes my pre-existing anxiety worse, and ironically pushes the source of it further away. All the advice I hear seems to only reinforce the problem: relax, don't worry about what she thinks... act like you don't care... women don't want a guy that likes them too much. Etc. Again, I'm not trying to offend anybody, but as far as I can tell this advice is the truth. The guys that are relaxed and carefree around girls are attractive. The guys that are desperate for affection are rejected. It seems that I have passion in the one area where passion is a burden. Well in that case, I'd rather not have it.
I'm living for nothing, Striving for nothing. What is accomplishment?... One quote I've read says that "the only reward for a good life is a good life." Really? What about the people who strive and are still unhappy? Self-actualization...you actually believe in that shit? Why?
Just a bunch of empty words to me. If those are the things people strive for, I wonder why they bother. What does any of that shit matter in the end? History remembers a smattering of people after their deaths, and even those few are unable to witness the "immortality" they earned. Do they care what they accomplished now? Is it any comfort in the grave? Of course not. They're all equal now, along with all the other corpses. How was it worth it?
I'm reminded of my college years. I didn't have any motivation then, either. Oh, there was a vague desire to get a degree, get a job afterward, but no particular reason to care about one field or another. Even getting a job seemed kind of unrewarding -- I only wanted one so I could have enough money to live on my own, move out of my parent's house and get them out of my ear. There's nothing else I cared about. I don't have any lofty ideals to better the human race or whatever (with a definite emphasis on "whatever", there), nor does career advancement interest me. In fact, the whole concept of corporate achievement always seemed like a ridiculous waste of time to me.
Currently I'm out of college. On academic suspension. Still at my parent's house.
Raising a family is another goal i never really understood. That is, I get it on a biological level, propagating the human species and all that. But emotionally, I just don't... have you actually looked at most families out there? Bitter, unhappy, dysfunctional -- while the parents are either cheating on each other or already divorced. That's the better life I'm supposed to look forward to?
Then there's the fact of raising children, something that people are even worse at than marriage. How'm I supposed to raise a kid better than i was raised? And if I can't... fuck! You think I want to give this life to someone else?
The only things I can say that I want for sure are women. I don't mean that in a sexist way, so hopefully no one gets the wrong impression. I just like women. I don't think it's abnormal to want them in my life. But that desire in itself becomes an obstacle, because I'm a social screw-up. So that desire only makes my pre-existing anxiety worse, and ironically pushes the source of it further away. All the advice I hear seems to only reinforce the problem: relax, don't worry about what she thinks... act like you don't care... women don't want a guy that likes them too much. Etc. Again, I'm not trying to offend anybody, but as far as I can tell this advice is the truth. The guys that are relaxed and carefree around girls are attractive. The guys that are desperate for affection are rejected. It seems that I have passion in the one area where passion is a burden. Well in that case, I'd rather not have it.
I'm living for nothing, Striving for nothing. What is accomplishment?... One quote I've read says that "the only reward for a good life is a good life." Really? What about the people who strive and are still unhappy? Self-actualization...you actually believe in that shit? Why?
So, that's good! 