Paranoia from people staring-need help

[sonicam]

Hi all, I've been trying to find a community like this for a long time to try to vent out my anger and frustration with my problem that I have. I'm going to give an overview of myself and of my intense problem that I've been having for years.

First I need to point out that I am NOT a homophobe. I have many friends that are gay and I am bisexual, however, I am a CREEPaphobe. I hate it when people are creepy. Ok, on with the story.

I am a 22 year old male living in New York City, but work upstate so I need to do a commute everyday, hence, I have a lot of exposure and encounters with many people every day. I like in The Bronx, which is a very urban section of New York, almost in conjunction with a ghetto, but not as bad. The problem that I am having here is that 98% of men here are full blow gay, bi-curious, or on the downlow. Many men stare at me, not just stare though, but they stare with that look in the eye as if to say "I want this guy right now". I know that everyone stares, but not everyone stares in that way, it's the most uncomfortable stare. People used to think I was just a paranoid freak, but one of my good friends, who happens to be gay, is around me a lot. He spots it all the time, especially at the gym or when we are downtown. The gym, the train, the bus, restaurants, and even just in the street, guys (usually black men) are always in my face checking me out. Sometimes they even go as far as to try to touch me and I start freaking out and getting extremely upset.

Just yesterday, I went to a new gym because I couldn't take my last one (because of this same problem) and that the price skyrocketed, so I decided to try out this new gym. The gym changed immediately the day after I got my membership, it's now WORSE than my last gym. EVERY guy is staring at other guys, especially me. I CANNOT do one of my sets and then look up and there NOT be a guy in deep thought staring at me. There are even times when guys just walk around, not exercising and just stop when they "see something they like" and just stare at you.

When this starts happening, I get really upset to the point where I start getting into a rage. My mood totally changes. There are literally times where I am surrounded to gay guys staring at me. I show so much dislike towards the staring, like I grill them back, or ask them what they are staring at and they act like they aren't doing it and when my back is turned, they just do it again. You can also feel when someone is eying at you to the extreme, it just a gut feeling.

My good friend that witnesses it says that I am a very attractive person, but I don't think I'm THAT attractive for it to warrant that much attention and staring, especially from only men. So I'm wondering what I should do about this problem, I have had the problem for years, since I was in high school and it's taken over my life. I get angry all the time, I want to avoid going on the train as much as possible. I cannot find a way to get over it. My friend usually says, "just get over it", but that DOES NOT work. Anyone with similar problems, please help out! Thanks.

If it's too long, I'll try to give a quick synopsis.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I see that not only women have this problem. Such suggestive staring is never pleasant and unless you're planning on making yourself unattractive or are planning on becoming a recluse, this is something you're going to have to learn to cope with one way or another. This sort of thing used to bother me tremendously, but then I realized that people are not going to change just because I don't like their behavior. Changing my attitude towards this benefits me best. Simply put, it's not worth the stress or the anger.

Try to keep in mind that you're not being singled out or persecuted. Invasive/suggestive staring happens to many people and as long as no one is trying to hurt you then it's in your best interest to let it go. At least, learn to do so step by step. Naturally, if someone tries to touch you or obnoxiously invades your personal space you have every right to express your disapproval and defend yourself if need be. Best of luck

 

[sonicam]

Hi Serafina, thank you for your response. Yes, when I talk about this problem to other people, they usually tell me that this is a girl problem and that I'm just a conceited guy that thinks everyone likes me. But that is not the case at all. It's a sincere issue that's life debilitating. I certainly do not want to be a recluse, I only get one life and I want to live and enjoy it to the fullest, but I feel that everywhere I go, this problem will persist and I feel that NO ONE should have to deal with this annoying matter.

It's really annoying what these guys do. They are so bold that they will look and stare for about 3+ minutes and when you finally look up at them, they start licking their lips or nod at you to try to initiate something and to make sure that I know what they want and are after. It's crazy.

Do you have this problem also? What are somethings that you do to try to keep it out of your mind? I try meditation and just plain ignoring it, but after a while, I feel like I'm trapped and surrounded by eyes, people undressing me with their eyes.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Hi Serafina, thank you for your response. Yes, when I talk about this problem to other people, they usually tell me that this is a girl problem and that I'm just a conceited guy that thinks everyone likes me. But that is not the case at all. It's a sincere issue that's life debilitating. I certainly do not want to be a recluse, I only get one life and I want to live and enjoy it to the fullest, but I feel that everywhere I go, this problem will persist and I feel that NO ONE should have to deal with this annoying matter.

The next time someone tries to write off your problem as a "girl problem" remind them that some gay and bi sexual men can be just as slimy and disrespectful towards men as some straight men can be towards women.

It's really annoying what these guys do. They are so bold that they will look and stare for about 3+ minutes and when you finally look up at them, they start licking their lips or nod at you to try to initiate something and to make sure that I know what they want and are after. It's crazy.

I despise that sort of behavior. It's so cheap. My gay male friends have told me similar stories. They haven't had very serious problems, but they've definitely expressed their disfavor.

One friend told me that this sort of behavior is quite common in the gay scene and that promiscuity isn't looked down upon in the gay community. Perhaps this is the sort of thing that these men are used to. These tactics may have worked for them in the past so they assume that they will work on you as well.

Do you have this problem also? What are somethings that you do to try to keep it out of your mind? I try meditation and just plain ignoring it, but after a while, I feel like I'm trapped and surrounded by eyes, people undressing me with their eyes.

Oh, Lord! Don't get me started. What I really hate is when guys think they can grab you by your arm, grab you around your waist, or grab your @ss! It is annoying to look up and see a guy leering at you as though he thinks you want to have sex with him. I pretty much just ignore it because doing anything else might otherwise encourage these creeps. Sometimes I learn to laugh certain things off. Perhaps you should try and reach past the negativity and be proud that men notice you...after all, you're must be a great looking guy.

Do you suffer from SA? You wrote that ignoring this behavior and meditation does not help so have you ever considered seeing a therapist? If this problem is debilitating then it's probably best that you talk to someone who can help you make sense out of this.

 

[sonicam]

One friend told me that this sort of behavior is quite common in the gay scene and that promiscuity isn't looked down upon in the gay community. Perhaps this is the sort of thing that these men are used to. These tactics may have worked for them in the past so they assume that they will work on you as well.

Yea, this is what my close gay friend tells me also. He put it simply as this "Gay guys are horny and creepy individuals and they just don't care about anything but themselves. If they want you, they will do any means to try to get your attention". I thank God that he is not like that. It's amazing what I've seen many guys do. I really do need to accept it and move on from it, it's a shame because they give gay people a really bad name.

Oh, Lord! Don't get me started. What I really hate is when guys think they can grab you by your arm, grab you around your waist, or grab your @ss! It is annoying to look up and see a guy leering at you as though he thinks you want to have sex with him. I pretty much just ignore it because doing anything else might otherwise encourage these creeps. Sometimes I learn to laugh certain things off. Perhaps you should try and reach past the negativity and be proud that men notice you...after all, you're must be a great looking guy.

Do you suffer from SA? You wrote that ignoring this behavior and meditation does not help so have you ever considered seeing a therapist? If this problem is debilitating then it's probably best that you talk to someone who can help you make sense out of this.

I have seen a therapist before, but for mild depression. This was a few years back when I was in my second year of college, however, due to scheduling issues, I had to stop seeing him. He was the only therapist that was covered in my insurance plan. We only had a few sessions, we got deep down and I told him about my sexuality pretty early and how my parents felt about it. Not much was resolved in the sessions. He told me that there are different types of therapists, some are active (they actively participate in conversation and lead the conversations) and others are passive (they are on the sidelines and expect the patient to say what the patient wants to say). He was the passive type and expected to me continue talking. I'm thinking about seeing someone else, but I don't want to spend money on something that might not help. A lot of people tell me that it's a very hit or miss service.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I have seen a therapist before, but for mild depression. This was a few years back when I was in my second year of college, however, due to scheduling issues, I had to stop seeing him. He was the only therapist that was covered in my insurance plan. We only had a few sessions, we got deep down and I told him about my sexuality pretty early and how my parents felt about it. Not much was resolved in the sessions. He told me that there are different types of therapists, some are active (they actively participate in conversation and lead the conversations) and others are passive (they are on the sidelines and expect the patient to say what the patient wants to say). He was the passive type and expected to me continue talking. I'm thinking about seeing someone else, but I don't want to spend money on something that might not help. A lot of people tell me that it's a very hit or miss service.

It is a very hit or miss service, but when you find a 'hit' it can work wonders, it's not to say it's not worth it

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Yea, this is what my close gay friend tells me also. He put it simply as this "Gay guys are horny and creepy individuals and they just don't care about anything but themselves. If they want you, they will do any means to try to get your attention". I thank God that he is not like that. It's amazing what I've seen many guys do. I really do need to accept it and move on from it, it's a shame because they give gay people a really bad name.

I've met gay men who were very respectful and thoughtful. Of course, it's the more pushy individuals who make people feel uncomfortable. The kind that tend to boldly hit on men whom they know are straight even after their advances are rebuked. They're no different than the straight creeps who think women like being grabbed on.

I have seen a therapist before, but for mild depression. This was a few years back when I was in my second year of college, however, due to scheduling issues, I had to stop seeing him. He was the only therapist that was covered in my insurance plan. We only had a few sessions, we got deep down and I told him about my sexuality pretty early and how my parents felt about it. Not much was resolved in the sessions. He told me that there are different types of therapists, some are active (they actively participate in conversation and lead the conversations) and others are passive (they are on the sidelines and expect the patient to say what the patient wants to say). He was the passive type and expected to me continue talking. I'm thinking about seeing someone else, but I don't want to spend money on something that might not help. A lot of people tell me that it's a very hit or miss service.

I think it's important to exhaust all possibilities. Perhaps you could find an affordable therapist who uses a more active approach? When I was a teen, I used to have a big problem with anyone staring at me. I always assumed that people only stared at me because they found something wrong with me. My therapist back then suggested that people may have been staring at me because they thought I was pretty. That idea had never occurred to me because I didn't think that I was good looking to begin with.
At first, I found it flattering, but I don't thrive on constant attention/being in the limelight so it didn't take long for me to begin feeling uncomfortable again. Eventually, I figured that it was my looks that attracted negative attention so it made me feel even less comfortable. After a while, I began trying to blend in as best as I could. I was so afraid of people and attention that I didn't leave the house for a while. Then one day I made myself leave the house. I reminded myself that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and that I was certainly not the best looking woman in the world so not everyone was going to find me attractive enough to stare at or harass. I decided that if pe people were going to stare, there was nothing I could do about it. Besides, it seemed as though some people stared even more when they could tell I was uncomfortable with it.

Now, when I'm having a low day, I'm happy if I get some attention as long as it's not heavy or inappropriate. So I've learned to turn this into something positive. When I'm not feeling particularly good looking or exceptional, it's nice to catch men staring.

 

[AGR]

I am not doubting you at all,but arent some of those in your mind?
after all gays are the minority,it would seem unlikely to be this many gays checking you out,of course only going by your post,also in a gym people will stare at others bodies,at least in my experiences.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I am not doubting you at all,but arent some of those in your mind?
after all gays are the minority,it would seem unlikely to be this many gays checking you out,of course only going by your post,also in a gym people will stare at others bodies,at least in my experiences.

You may be right about some of it being in his mind, but then I doubt a straight man would lick his lips, seductively eyeball or otherwise make sexually suggestive remarks or gestures at another man. I didn't think that heterosexual men in general spend their time staring at other men. Especially not in the west where many are still homophobic or are otherwise afraid to be mistaken for homosexuals.

If he lives in a community where the majority of men are gay then the staring and advances are not at all improbable. One of my gay friends lives in one such community where the majority of people who live, work and network there are gay. The attitude towards gays has changed in the past couple of decades, but that doesn't mean that they are welcome everywhere so they form communities where they can openly be themselves.

The OP has written about having these experiences at the gym...maybe he goes to an all-gay gym? My husband tells me that the men who stare at him at the gym are usually eyeballing him aggressively or are otherwise checking out the competition...which could also be the case in an all-gay gym, of course.

Besides, I think that there are more gay men than we might believe. There are homosexuals out there whom one would not suspect because they dress and behave in a stereotypical "straight" way. Contrary to popular beliefs not all gay and bi-sexual men have feminine mannerisms.

However, I do believe that it is important to be able to diferentiate between someone making sexual advances and simply being friendly. I reread the original post and I thought I'd quote this line from it. It seems as though the OP understands is able to discern the difference between staring and staring.

The problem that I am having here is that 98% of men here are full blow gay, bi-curious, or on the downlow. Many men stare at me, not just stare though, but they stare with that look in the eye as if to say "I want this guy right now". I know that everyone stares, but not everyone stares in that way, it's the most uncomfortable stare.