ThroughTheWall!
New member
Hey guys,
I wanted to post this for my own sake but also to help people as much as I can. To give you a little bit of background on
my story, I think I was always a shy kid but I still did pretty well socially throughout high school. Once I hit college
I was able to really excel in terms of social skills and didn't really even think twice about "social anxiety". I could say
that when I was 18 I really hit a high point in my life in terms of overall happiness. This all changed very suddenly. When
I got to be 19, I fell into a deep depression which in turn caused me to experience horrible social anxiety.
I think my depression was rooted in the fact that I grew up without my father present in my life and when I turned 19 I started
to feel like I was missing something from my "manhood". Almost as if I was incomplete in some way. I started to spend my days
pitying myself and pretty much turned away from all of my friendships and social interaction in general. When I would go out,
I would feel horrible anxiety. The best way I could describe it is to say that I felt out of place and like I had to do something
in order to fit in. As if I had to achieve somekind of "golden standard" in the eyes of others in order to feel approval.
I'm turning 21 in about 2 weeks and I can say that I'm really turning things around in my life back to normal. About 2 months
ago I moved in with a few friends at a university and this has really forced me to socialize on a regular basis and regain
some footing in life. I would say I'm almost anxiety free to a certain extent with some more work needed. I really think that
ANYONE can overcome social anxiety if they really put their all into it. I'd like to share some observations with you guys about
how to overcome this. I'm no scientist but I do consider myself pretty observant.
1. EVERYONE experiences anxiety to a certain extent when faced with a new social situation. I've been going out to bars
and parties recently, and I can see this with 100% accuracy. I have friends who are good with girls/jacked/good-looking etc...
and they as well as everyone else will hesitate to approach new people at parties. Most people cluster into groups of people
they know until they settle in/become more drunk. By the way, I believe alcohol does lower your inhibitions and make you more social
because of the belief that when you're drunk you can act in a certain way. The bottom line is.... you're not alone... even if you have
debilitating anxiety and no friends, realize that even the "hottest girls"/ "coolest guys" (whatever that means!) experience anxiety.
2. Your anxiety is rooted in your self-perception. You may feel like you're lacking something (I thought I was lacking something in terms
of manhood) so you're creating a judgement about yourself compared to others at all times. THESE ARE JUST BULL**** THOUGHTS! You can learn
to get rid of them by becoming observant of them when they come up. This means that you'll have to push yourself into social situations
and if you feel like you're creepy/weird/ugly (whatever the hell it is), learn to observe this as it comes up in an actual situation.
Don't judge these thoughts, just realize that they're thoughts and nothing more (your perception of the world).
3. Your anxiety is also rooted in your biology. If you're anxious all the time/depressed, your body is used to being in a certain state of mind.
I highly recommend that everyone check out a book called the UltraMind Solution by Dr. Mark Hyman. It's essentially about how your chemical
imbalance which causes depression/anxiety is rooted in your body. Your diet/ lifestyle affects your chemical makeup which in turn affects mood
and thoughts. So if you eat junk food all day and don't exercise, your chemical makeup will naturally lead to a mental landscape of negative thougts
and mood. I realized that when I was the happiest in my life previously I was constantly lifting weights. I've recently gotten back into a serious workout
called Crossfit and I can definitely feel a noticable improvement in mood after working out. I honestly believe that your body has a certain amount of energy,
and if you can exert all of your energy into vigorous physical movement and completely deplete yourself, then you just won't have any energy to feed negative
thoughts.
4. Self-amusement is probably your biggest friend in social interaction. This is something I've noticed recently. You need to stop worrying about how you're being
perceived or judged by others because it ultimately MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Your self-worth is determined by you and if you allow other peoples opinions to bother
you, then you're giving away your power. If you're trying to "DO" something elicit a reaction from someone then you're not looking to yourself for how you feel. For instance,
one thing I noticed I would do is try and make a joke in order to get people to laugh so they'll like me....Not only does this create anxiety because you're creating a situation
where you're looking to elicit a response in order to feel good about yourself, if you fall short and the person doesn't laugh then you'll in turn feel worse (more anxiety). However,
I've noticed that recently I can entertain myself around groups of people without caring if they'll laugh at a joke... I find it funny so I tell the joke and it amuses me so it makes
me feel good. Others see this (whether consciously or not) and they feel good being friendly to me because I feel good about myself. Think about the underlying communication between telling
a joke to get someone to laugh as opposed to telling a joke because you think it's funny. If you tell a joke to elicit a response you're essentially trying to take something from the other
person (validation) as opposed to telling a joke because you're TRULY amused by something. By telling a person something that you find funny with no desired outcome of them laughing or not,
then you're GIVING (Good emotions)!!!!
5. YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION!!! This is so crucial. You can't think your way out of social anxiety. I was put on a course of zoloft a few months ago but I took it for a week and then decided
to put that **** aside because I think taking medication to make yoursellf social is bull****. I'm sorry to put it that way but that's just my opinion. If you take medication and you feel it
makes you more social really stop and think for a second whether it's really the medication that's doing it or the belief that the medication is working and in turn you allow yourself to act
a certain way you previously wouldn't have. Ultimately you have to stop making excuses. I don't care if you think that you're the creepiest guy/girl in the world force yourself into social
situations and let the other person get creeped out. In fact I think that developing a healthy response to social rejection can be huge to overcoming social anxiety. If you're weird then start
doing weird **** in social situations and expose yourself to NEGATIVE SOCIAL PRESSURE. The world isn't a field of flowers and sunshine.... you can't live in a fantasy world where every single person
loves you and thinks you're the ****. If you're being REAL, then a certain amount of people will naturally dislike you for whatever reason but you won't give a **** because you're being authentic and other
peoples opinions of you won't really matter. The best analogy i can think of is weightlifting... you can't will your muscles to grow by thinking about and wishing. You have to continually BUST YOUR ASS in
gym to make small improvements over an extended period of time. Same thing for social anxiety. You're not going to magically wake up tomorrow and be MR./MRS. AWESOME and be totally anxiety free. You have
to constantly stretch your reality by pushing your comfort zone. Over time you'll experience less and less anxiety.
This is all I really have for now and sorry if it's not too organized or coherent because this is pretty much written strem of consciousness (or however you say it). I really hope this can shed some light
to others on how to help with social anxiety. Feel free to post any questions you may have about this and I'll try and answer them.
Cya guys!
I wanted to post this for my own sake but also to help people as much as I can. To give you a little bit of background on
my story, I think I was always a shy kid but I still did pretty well socially throughout high school. Once I hit college
I was able to really excel in terms of social skills and didn't really even think twice about "social anxiety". I could say
that when I was 18 I really hit a high point in my life in terms of overall happiness. This all changed very suddenly. When
I got to be 19, I fell into a deep depression which in turn caused me to experience horrible social anxiety.
I think my depression was rooted in the fact that I grew up without my father present in my life and when I turned 19 I started
to feel like I was missing something from my "manhood". Almost as if I was incomplete in some way. I started to spend my days
pitying myself and pretty much turned away from all of my friendships and social interaction in general. When I would go out,
I would feel horrible anxiety. The best way I could describe it is to say that I felt out of place and like I had to do something
in order to fit in. As if I had to achieve somekind of "golden standard" in the eyes of others in order to feel approval.
I'm turning 21 in about 2 weeks and I can say that I'm really turning things around in my life back to normal. About 2 months
ago I moved in with a few friends at a university and this has really forced me to socialize on a regular basis and regain
some footing in life. I would say I'm almost anxiety free to a certain extent with some more work needed. I really think that
ANYONE can overcome social anxiety if they really put their all into it. I'd like to share some observations with you guys about
how to overcome this. I'm no scientist but I do consider myself pretty observant.
1. EVERYONE experiences anxiety to a certain extent when faced with a new social situation. I've been going out to bars
and parties recently, and I can see this with 100% accuracy. I have friends who are good with girls/jacked/good-looking etc...
and they as well as everyone else will hesitate to approach new people at parties. Most people cluster into groups of people
they know until they settle in/become more drunk. By the way, I believe alcohol does lower your inhibitions and make you more social
because of the belief that when you're drunk you can act in a certain way. The bottom line is.... you're not alone... even if you have
debilitating anxiety and no friends, realize that even the "hottest girls"/ "coolest guys" (whatever that means!) experience anxiety.
2. Your anxiety is rooted in your self-perception. You may feel like you're lacking something (I thought I was lacking something in terms
of manhood) so you're creating a judgement about yourself compared to others at all times. THESE ARE JUST BULL**** THOUGHTS! You can learn
to get rid of them by becoming observant of them when they come up. This means that you'll have to push yourself into social situations
and if you feel like you're creepy/weird/ugly (whatever the hell it is), learn to observe this as it comes up in an actual situation.
Don't judge these thoughts, just realize that they're thoughts and nothing more (your perception of the world).
3. Your anxiety is also rooted in your biology. If you're anxious all the time/depressed, your body is used to being in a certain state of mind.
I highly recommend that everyone check out a book called the UltraMind Solution by Dr. Mark Hyman. It's essentially about how your chemical
imbalance which causes depression/anxiety is rooted in your body. Your diet/ lifestyle affects your chemical makeup which in turn affects mood
and thoughts. So if you eat junk food all day and don't exercise, your chemical makeup will naturally lead to a mental landscape of negative thougts
and mood. I realized that when I was the happiest in my life previously I was constantly lifting weights. I've recently gotten back into a serious workout
called Crossfit and I can definitely feel a noticable improvement in mood after working out. I honestly believe that your body has a certain amount of energy,
and if you can exert all of your energy into vigorous physical movement and completely deplete yourself, then you just won't have any energy to feed negative
thoughts.
4. Self-amusement is probably your biggest friend in social interaction. This is something I've noticed recently. You need to stop worrying about how you're being
perceived or judged by others because it ultimately MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Your self-worth is determined by you and if you allow other peoples opinions to bother
you, then you're giving away your power. If you're trying to "DO" something elicit a reaction from someone then you're not looking to yourself for how you feel. For instance,
one thing I noticed I would do is try and make a joke in order to get people to laugh so they'll like me....Not only does this create anxiety because you're creating a situation
where you're looking to elicit a response in order to feel good about yourself, if you fall short and the person doesn't laugh then you'll in turn feel worse (more anxiety). However,
I've noticed that recently I can entertain myself around groups of people without caring if they'll laugh at a joke... I find it funny so I tell the joke and it amuses me so it makes
me feel good. Others see this (whether consciously or not) and they feel good being friendly to me because I feel good about myself. Think about the underlying communication between telling
a joke to get someone to laugh as opposed to telling a joke because you think it's funny. If you tell a joke to elicit a response you're essentially trying to take something from the other
person (validation) as opposed to telling a joke because you're TRULY amused by something. By telling a person something that you find funny with no desired outcome of them laughing or not,
then you're GIVING (Good emotions)!!!!
5. YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION!!! This is so crucial. You can't think your way out of social anxiety. I was put on a course of zoloft a few months ago but I took it for a week and then decided
to put that **** aside because I think taking medication to make yoursellf social is bull****. I'm sorry to put it that way but that's just my opinion. If you take medication and you feel it
makes you more social really stop and think for a second whether it's really the medication that's doing it or the belief that the medication is working and in turn you allow yourself to act
a certain way you previously wouldn't have. Ultimately you have to stop making excuses. I don't care if you think that you're the creepiest guy/girl in the world force yourself into social
situations and let the other person get creeped out. In fact I think that developing a healthy response to social rejection can be huge to overcoming social anxiety. If you're weird then start
doing weird **** in social situations and expose yourself to NEGATIVE SOCIAL PRESSURE. The world isn't a field of flowers and sunshine.... you can't live in a fantasy world where every single person
loves you and thinks you're the ****. If you're being REAL, then a certain amount of people will naturally dislike you for whatever reason but you won't give a **** because you're being authentic and other
peoples opinions of you won't really matter. The best analogy i can think of is weightlifting... you can't will your muscles to grow by thinking about and wishing. You have to continually BUST YOUR ASS in
gym to make small improvements over an extended period of time. Same thing for social anxiety. You're not going to magically wake up tomorrow and be MR./MRS. AWESOME and be totally anxiety free. You have
to constantly stretch your reality by pushing your comfort zone. Over time you'll experience less and less anxiety.
This is all I really have for now and sorry if it's not too organized or coherent because this is pretty much written strem of consciousness (or however you say it). I really hope this can shed some light
to others on how to help with social anxiety. Feel free to post any questions you may have about this and I'll try and answer them.
Cya guys!
