Over estimating how much we're being judged?

[Jim_Bergerac]

From my own experience and what I read about other people here, it seems like we believe we're always being judged negatively when people see certain perceived flaws.

But I am never dwelling on other people's flaws, I don't dwell on people's flaws and start doing a critical analysis of them. If someone makes a mistake or if I see someone has an imperfection in their appearance, I am not thinking negatively of them.

When I look at others looking at other people, they don't seem to be judging people negatively and critically. Yet I believe people are being critical of me because of past negative judgements I have received which made me believe people when they see my 'flaws' are being critical.

I just think this is huge in terms of overcoming the problems. It will make one anxious and self conscious and drain confidence if you are believing people are always judging you negatively, but evidence seems to suggest that people aren't judging, we've let some negative feedback believe that people are, but I am not so sure its true?

What do others think?

 

[Anomaly]

When I look at others looking at other people, they don't seem to be judging people negatively and critically.

Not that I disagree, but how do you determine what they're thinking?

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

Not that I disagree, but how do you determine what they're thinking?

Well you are right that its not possible to know. But when I have been judged negatively in the past I had people laughing at me, looking at me like they have trodden in me, said nasty things, etc. When people are just looking because you catch their eye and they are not showing signs of disapproval - i.e. not laughing, not pulling a face of disgust, not showing any signs, etc - then I thinks its probably safe to assume they are not thinking nasty things.

I don't know its hard. But what I am saying is that I have become stuck believing that people are being critical of me because so many people were in the past (when I was in my teenage years mainly) but the evidence suggests that people aren't judging critically and negatively. Its so destructive to be living life believing you are always being judged negatively. But are those beliefs fair, just because insensitive jerks from the past who were immature and cruel?

 

[Anomaly]

That's exactly what social phobia is. Knowing that it's highly improbable that so many people are being critical yet acting and feeling otherwise. A phobia is, by definition, an intense, irrational fear.

 

[Qbmaster]

A person without flaws would be hated by everyone. Nobody could be comfortable in the presence of such a superhuman being. We will sometimes be judged for our flaws, but who cares? And like you said, most people usually don't judge other people just because they make a mistake. Actually, some people will actually consider your flaws as a positive quality. Shyness and blushing can be cute or funny, small mistakes can make you seem more human, etc. I actually think that people do this more often than make a negative judgement, because judging people all the time is almost as hard as being judged all the time.
And even if they do judge you, this doesn't mean that they don't like you or even that they have a negative opinion about you. That's just not how social relationships work.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

That's exactly what social phobia is. Knowing that it's highly improbable that so many people are being critical yet acting and feeling otherwise. A phobia is, by definition, an intense, irrational fear.

But I hadn't realised its highly improbable. I have been stuck believing its 100% true and people must be thinking negatively of me because it happened so many times. If I understand and believe its not true I can overcome this.

 

[Anomaly]

But I hadn't realised its highly improbable. I have been stuck believing its 100% true and people must be thinking negatively of me because it happened so many times. If I understand and believe its not true I can overcome this.

Right, it's not apparently obvious in this case. However, the fact that the fear will probably persist despite the rational understanding is why it's a phobia. Someone with, say, an irrational fear of bananas can understand perfectly well that bananas will cause no great harm, if any at all, to them, but will react as though they do regardless. It's more or less a combination of understanding and irrational reactions.

I did notice several times that people used social phobia and social anxiety interchangeably. I can't say what effect that has on the traditional definition of a phobia and its relation to social phobia, but social phobia/anxiety is fairly nebulous either way.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

Right, it's not apparently obvious in this case. However, the fact that the fear will probably persist despite the rational understanding is why it's a phobia. Someone with, say, an irrational fear of bananas can understand perfectly well that bananas will cause no great harm, if any at all, to them, but will react as though they do regardless. It's more or less a combination of understanding and irrational reactions.

I did notice several times that people used social phobia and social anxiety interchangeably. I can't say what effect that has on the traditional definition of a phobia and its relation to social phobia, but social phobia/anxiety is fairly nebulous either way.

You seem to be trying to say I will not change with the anxiety/fear even if I do change my beliefs about am I being judged. Around people I trust and like - I am not anxious around them because I know they're not judging me. However, people I do believe are judging me negtaively right now - that makes me so self conscious and anxious. I really feel this holds the answer to me overcoming my problems.

 

[Anomaly]

You seem to be trying to say I will not change with the anxiety/fear even if I do change my beliefs about am I being judged. Around people I trust and like - I am not anxious around them because I know they're not judging me. However, people I do believe are judging me negtaively right now - that makes me so self conscious and anxious. I really feel this holds the answer to me overcoming my problems.

I can't say for sure if you will or not, but it's probably experience and not thought that will get you the most results, though this realization is a start.

 

[Wandering_Conviction]

To be honest, I feel like people are making judgments 90% of the time. Maybe my own insecurities have distorted my interpretation, but it seems like there is always an impression to be made in every situation.

 

[Qbmaster]

I can't say for sure if you will or not, but it's probably experience and not thought that will get you the most results, though this realization is a start.

Rational thinking might not cure a phobia, but fear can be easier to handle when you know that it is completely irrational. Since I know that people usually don't judge me, I know that talking to them is safe even if I feel scared.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

To be honest, I feel like people are making judgments 90% of the time. Maybe my own insecurities have distorted my interpretation, but it seems like there is always an impression to be made in every situation.

You see this is how I have been living my life ever since those years of put downs and name calling in my school years. I have absolutely believed I am being judged negatively because I was judged negatively so many times that my mind believed 'Well surely that is what people see and think when they look at me' - but I've clearly developed beliefs based on the negative judgements (most of which were by school kids who can be so cruel and tend to repeat certain negative judgements over and over again) rather than basing the beliefs on how people really are.

Here is an example - as a child I had a speech impediment and I found it hard to say my name clearly and in one class there were 3 or 4 girls who always laughed at me and repeated how I said my name whilst talking in a retard type voice. If I ever said a question right they'd say "Well done Jim" - but say Jim how I said it, then they'd all laugh. They did this so many times, must be 100 times over the course of the 2 years I was in their class. It made me so self conscious saying my name, believing people will laugh at me or judge me negatively when they hear me say my name. My beliefs were developed by the negative experiences and not people in general.
I still am stuck so self conscious saying my name believing I will be laughed at and judged as a retard. The reason I am anxious is because I fear I will be laughed at and judged negatively, I believe it will happen - based on the 100 times I was laughed at and those girls repeated how I said my name wrong. I have to stop those beliefs and realise I am not being judged negatively if I am to overcome this problem. I need to stop these beliefs based on the past judgements and base it on how people really are. You can't live your life believing those nasty people who were insensitive and cruel is the norm and how people think.

 

[Anomaly]

Right, but it's not only the beliefs, I think, but also associations that may very well be unconscious. That's why I gave a lot of weight to experiences when attempting to overcome social phobia rather than thoughts, though I think both are useful and ultimately necessary.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

I can't say for sure if you will or not, but it's probably experience and not thought that will get you the most results, though this realization is a start.

I think it depends on the individual if its experience or realisation that is the answer. For example someone who is afraid of making phone calls because they have always avoided them then they need to practice and build experience. But someone who fears they are being judged negatively when looked at - experience is not the answer, its realisation. i.e. I am 30 years of age, I have been to university, I have had a good social life in the past, I work full time, I see and meet people all the time, it doesn't change my anxiety because I have been stuck believing I am being judged negatively. If I can change that to realise I am not, that is likely to hold the keys to stopping my anxiety.

 

[Anomaly]

I think it depends on the individual if its experience or realisation that is the answer. For example someone who is afraid of making phone calls because they have always avoided them then they need to practice and build experience. But someone who fears they are being judged negatively when looked at - experience is not the answer, its realisation. i.e. I am 30 years of age, I have been to university, I have had a good social life in the past, I work full time, I see and meet people all the time, it doesn't change my anxiety because I have been stuck believing I am being judged negatively. If I can change that to realise I am not, that is likely to hold the keys to stopping my anxiety.

That's quite right, as I pointed out in my previous post.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

Right, but it's not only the beliefs, I think, but also associations that may very well be unconscious. That's why I gave a lot of weight to experiences when attempting to overcome social phobia rather than thoughts, though I think both are useful and ultimately necessary.

I don't agree with what you are saying for my own situation. I am not saying you are wrong for others though.

 

[Anomaly]

I don't agree with what you are saying for my own situation. I am not saying you are wrong for others though.

Yes, it's fairly difficult to speak for cases that are not similar to my own. Both are useful in varying amounts depending on the case.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

Yes, it's fairly difficult to speak for cases that are not similar to my own. Both are useful in varying amounts depending on the case.

Totally agree with that, thanks for that. Thanks for your replies too, its nice to chat to people about this.

 

[Anomaly]

You're welcome

 

[alanj]

Keep going with that belief Jim; in my opinion it will definitely give you a better experience of life. Social Phobics tend to be too Outer World focused, and are kind of waiting to see how other people react and will then let themselves be affected by what they think they see. In my view, and this has been working for me, we need to completely cut that out and just go Direct. When I say go Direct, I just mean live from who you know you are deep within; and the more you practice this (and Lord it takes practice and patience) the less you will be looking for Outer World Validation and feedback.
If you observe very confident and together people you will notice they pay little heed to others views of them; they just know that All is Well and they stick with that.