Out on the Town

[Horatio]

This post I owe to those of you who have followed some of my whinging posts over the last few months complaining about making a complete ass of myself in town at night.

Basically it seems that the only way people in my part of the world meet others their own age is either through mutual friends or by going out on the town to pubs and clubs. With a lack of friends it can be bloody difficult to meet others in the first place so Ive been actively trying at the second.

Walking into a busy pub or club by yourself is bloody difficult from someone with SP and most times Ive ended up drinking a lot of money by my lonely self and beating myself up about it until the next weekend.

Dont know what I did this time but ended up doing remarkably well for a large shy guy like myself who is used to being treated like crap.

After watching the All Blacks decimate the Lions team again I made my way to a club which was selling cheap spirits (yeah I know, great reason) BUT I ended up meeting with a guy from work there and three gorgeous girls who dragged me around with them for the night and even dragged me onto the dance floor 8O

For those of you with boyfriends/girlfriends your probably thinking yeah so whats the big deal? To put this in perspective... I dont think Ive even really talked to any girls my age for years and certainly havent danced with a girl since compulsary folk dancing lessons at age 12 and a latin dancing disaster when I was 17.

In fact this time last year I was bed ridden by my SP and depression, barely ever leaving my bed and living with my parents. Taking on full time work in another city hasnt been easy for me and neither has flatting with randoms and going out on the town at night has at times been excrutiatingly difficult but I don't regret it.

This week last year I was lying in bed bitching on the internet, this week I have been given a payrise and a new contract for fulltime work for the rest of the year and now have actually managed to go out on the town and have an enjoyable evening...AND I STILL get time to bitch on the internet from time to time

am of course a long way short of my long term goals, having a succesful career, meeting a beautiful girl and forming a loving life long relationship, getting over my socialphobia/depression and world domination. But I guess everything is one step at a time and Im just glad to be able to report that Ive managed to take one firm step forwards after spending several years on a downwards escalator

and as for going out on the town... I dont expect to have such good luck as this has been about my 20th attempt to have fun out on the town but its given me a bit of hope and I dont feel quite as hopeless as I have in the past

Kind Regards to you all

Horatio

P.S. I dont care if I get a hangover tomorrow

 

[black_mamba]

Hell yeah, thats great stuff! A toast to Horatio...

You've got more balls than me (metaphorically as well) as I want to go to a club tonight on my own but the sheer thought of it is quite scary.

Enjoy yourself tonight and try not to step in any floor pizza.

 

[Angie_05]

Wow... I could never have gone out on my own. I can't even do that with a friend or my boyfriend.

I do know what you mean about the first experience with a guy/girl. Well, my first experience was at 15, but I get that "wow i just did that for the first time" for so many other social things. The first time I went to a party I was 19 and it was shocking.

Congratulations!

 

[maggie]

that's awesome Horatio!!!

 

[GettingThere]

Well done Horatio. Its a tough gig going out by yourself, very brave. I'm glad you had a good time.

Dancing (publicly) is not something I enjoy unless the lighting is low and I've had a few. Co-ordination is not one of my strong points......

 

[Yossarian]

Wooooooo! Go H! Glad your efforts paid off, that's so cool! See it can happen! Keep plugging away H. You're a cool guy. Happiness ain't gonna just come up and give us a lapdance for free.

You are now officially the SPW stud!

its really weird how you have to have friends in order to go out and make new friends, like a catch 22.

Yup. So much is. :evil:

 

[Hamble]

Did you enjoy yourself Horatio?

 

[Vincent]

Common ground

Hey H

It was interesting to read your post cos I know what the situation is like back home.

When I was at Uni in Hamilton, I was kinda lucky. In my first year it was still 20 to drink, so everyone got wasted at the hostel. The first night was the worst, all these shiny happy people went to a keg party in the hostel while I sat alone in my room comtemplating suicide. Later though, the other people from my floor of the building introduced themselves. Then I got so drunk that I could talk shit, make a drunken spectacle of myself and earn a level of respect that way; for being a piss head. That was the first two years.

Later, that crutch was gone, so I usually had to get real drunk with my boys before heading into town. That was student economics anyway. Later still, I got worse so that I needed to drink before seeing my mates, before getting drunk to go to town. Later still, I was forced to give up on my mates and going out altogether.

I agree with what you are saying about pubs and mates being the only way to meet new people. Plus there is such a car culture back home. I guess it's because the population is so dispersed. Sports is alright to an point, because there is heaps of rugby, but then, most male sports are known for being masculine and not accomodating to sensitive guys who would probably be labelled queer? I was into kayaking in NZ, that was okay, because I got to mix with both sexes, and generally, kayakers are less judgemental than rugbyheads. But females for me inspired more anxiety than males anyway.

Anyway, just my two cents. You got alot of sand going out solo like that. I've only managed it once or something, then ended up alternating between flat out staring and avoiding all eye contact.

Do you think that being out quite a few times has made it easier for you to be out? I mean you are accustomed to the surroundings more, the atmosphere and so on...Does anyone else think so?

How did you manage to come up with things to talk about? I always find that really hard. I can never think of anything to talk about aside from my personal insecurity or unhappiness. Also, how about how to act? Do you find that you are staring in order to try and learn how to mimc the "cool" guys? To try and learn how they can get all the respect and attention, how they can be totally relaxed. Do you think it will be easier now since you had that good night out? Or do you think now that you have expectations of what a good night is now, that you won't be able to meet? What thought processes do you use to secure against that?


Its excellent how well NZ is represented on this site for a country our size. Perhaps due to good public/general awareness there? Comments to that affect? I didn't really find out much about SA support groups when I was there, but GROW was an excellent resource for me. Have you looked into that H?

Vincent

 

[Horatio]

Re: Common ground

Hey H

It was interesting to read your post cos I know what the situation is like back home.

When I was at Uni in Hamilton, I was kinda lucky. In my first year it was still 20 to drink, so everyone got wasted at the hostel. The first night was the worst, all these shiny happy people went to a keg party in the hostel while I sat alone in my room comtemplating suicide. Later though, the other people from my floor of the building introduced themselves. Then I got so drunk that I could talk shit, make a drunken spectacle of myself and earn a level of respect that way; for being a piss head. That was the first two years.

Later, that crutch was gone, so I usually had to get real drunk with my boys before heading into town. That was student economics anyway. Later still, I got worse so that I needed to drink before seeing my mates, before getting drunk to go to town. Later still, I was forced to give up on my mates and going out altogether.

I agree with what you are saying about pubs and mates being the only way to meet new people. Plus there is such a car culture back home. I guess it's because the population is so dispersed. Sports is alright to an point, because there is heaps of rugby, but then, most male sports are known for being masculine and not accomodating to sensitive guys who would probably be labelled queer? I was into kayaking in NZ, that was okay, because I got to mix with both sexes, and generally, kayakers are less judgemental than rugbyheads. But females for me inspired more anxiety than males anyway.

Anyway, just my two cents. You got alot of sand going out solo like that. I've only managed it once or something, then ended up alternating between flat out staring and avoiding all eye contact.

Do you think that being out quite a few times has made it easier for you to be out? I mean you are accustomed to the surroundings more, the atmosphere and so on...Does anyone else think so?

How did you manage to come up with things to talk about? I always find that really hard. I can never think of anything to talk about aside from my personal insecurity or unhappiness. Also, how about how to act? Do you find that you are staring in order to try and learn how to mimc the "cool" guys? To try and learn how they can get all the respect and attention, how they can be totally relaxed. Do you think it will be easier now since you had that good night out? Or do you think now that you have expectations of what a good night is now, that you won't be able to meet? What thought processes do you use to secure against that?


Its excellent how well NZ is represented on this site for a country our size. Perhaps due to good public/general awareness there? Comments to that affect? I didn't really find out much about SA support groups when I was there, but GROW was an excellent resource for me. Have you looked into that H?

Vincent

Sorry Ive been a while in replying, Ive come down with a stupid fever.

Yes Vincent I can certainly relate to a lot of what you said. Certainly from my observations most people here only make friends through mutual friends or from pubs/clubs and Im usually the only person my age alone at pubs/clubs. In other words if your starting off with NO mates at all then the odds are stacked against you.

And yes there is certainly a big car culture in NZ but less here in Dunedin I think than any other centre Ive lived in. Christchurch on the other hand, the only times of the week youd be stuck in a traffic jam would be 1am on a Friday or Saturday night. Ive certainly felt apart from todays culture here and cars is one of the reasons why. I cant stand the things and have no desire to ever drive one. For the majority of young people there are only two subjects they know anything about... cars and hip hop music and I despise both. I would much rather ride a horse everywhere I could and listen to classical music but thats hardly gonna get me a chick.

And yes the whole sports thing. The "Sports Guy" effect is probably worse down here in Otago than other places Ive lived like Christchurch or Auckland. Any REAL bloke has to play rugby and drink barrells of beer. If you can do both those things really well AND own an expensive looking car then youll never have problems scoring a girl. Besides a brief appearance at the 12 yr old Table Tennis championships Ive never really made much of an impression in any sporting arena. Kyaking sounds like a great idea to still be seeing to be doing something sporty without having to roll around in mud with a bunch of thugs. At the moment walking up the road to home is already too much excersise for a large guy like me! But I DO live on the same hill as the steepest street in the world afterall.

How did I do it? Well I hate to admit it cause its rather pathetic really. The more I got stressed the more I drank, whenever I felt a panic attack coming on I downed another two or three or four. Whenever someone sat next to me I would buy them a drink and use it as an excuse to buy another two for myself.

I feel really guilty about it now cause Im the kind of guy that finds going shopping stressful enough with SP and I know going out on the town and drinking like that was a completely false experience.

I guess its made it easier to do it again if I want to and its probably better than sitting at home drinking by myself. But in the end I didnt make any friends by going out and nor did I get a girlfriend and I dont think going out on the town is going to help in those departments. If I wasnt drunk I wouldntve chatted to those girls and they werent drunk they wouldntve let me talk to them. So really it was a false experience, much like my computer gaming.

Havent heard of "GROW" Vincent, what is it?

oh and worrydoll, good thing its not the cricket season aye, NZ Cricket team barely ever wins!

 

[Vincent]

Sorry bout your fever dude, those things are taxing.

I guess I agree about cars to a degree. I mean, its all testoterone driven, its like penis envy or something, "look how big my V8 is" etc. However, I had some good times driving a piece of shit Nissan and doing burnouts and hotboxing it. But I felt I could never enjoy a conversation about cars through lack of knowledge, I dont care what body kits are the best cos I cant afford them. Rugby culture, I wish Id played in school, but I didnt. I do like aggression somewhat, and violence is good so long as your winning. God, writing about this stuff now really makes me miss it, Ive just had a 3hour kindergarton graduation cermony with hundreds of Taiwanese parents and teachers and I hated almost all of it with a fierce intensity. They set up the foreign teachers to make dicks of ourselves but performing a lame dance infront of a couple of hundred parents and students which the Chinese teachers had rehersed but not us,..deliberately. Thankfully my more assertive co workers beat a retreat with me in tow. Anyway, off that tangent. I don't know about South Island culture except Scarfies etc. I assume its similar to Waikato with more skinheads and less Maori.

I've had "girlfriends" in Taiwan, it's not too hard when you date teachers from your schools. None have lasted, I set the bench too low and pursue ones that Im not attracted so that they can't hurt me. Then I break it off anyway after a while because it feels like a waste of time to be with someone you arent really attracted to. The communication barrier doesnt help either. I had a two shy girlfriends, one I was attracted to, the other, not. The former lasted only three weeks before I dropped it, the former around a year. In both instances, they said f__k all. I percieved this as being my problem, because I think every problem comes from myself and cos its the mans role to intiate conversation, sex and everything else. Two shy people together don't work, someone else said that to me too. Or is it more accurately described as two people who have nothing to say don't have great conversation? That makes sense, and is exactly what Ive found. If I am with a dull non talking girl, then its goddam boring. If Im with a good conversationalist, then they will drop me after a short while or they will stay because they are ugly or fat and Im not, so they can't find an attractive conversationalist. I know this is generalising, but its from my experiences to date.

My point is, for you H, and others. Is that, what do you expect will happen when you get a girl? Social anxiety will disappear once they know that you have it? No, this isn't it. Being with them will be like torture, as you can't fully reach your potential in fulfilling yourself or them. The conversation won't work, your active mind will be in a destructive loop and you will find more reason to feel sorry for yourself. Anxiety will take from you the pleasure of sex. My point, I don't think anyone can be in a relationship and benefit without having caught hold of the flaying whip of uncontrolled anxiety. But shit, what do I know? My experiences only, and Im waiting on a CBT program from Dr Richards of the Social Anixiety Institute which I have researched as much as I can and I think will give me the right cognitions with which to progress with painful relationships of both sexes.

GROW is a mental health organisation that exists in I think six countries, including NZ and Aussie. Its non profit, covers all sorts of mental ailments, and is based upon the principles of AA. Its really good. Obviously, a SA support group would be alot better, but I found it gave me perspective at the time and a framework from which to approach my problems. I wish there was something like that here in Taiwan, there isn't, I've though if I were to return home to NZ this would be an advantage, but my income is better here, and I think teaching is a good behavioural theraputic tool.

GROW, Inc.

International. 143 groups. Founded in 1957.

12-step mutual help program to provide know-how for avoiding and recovering from depression, anxiety and other mental health problems. Caring and sharing community to attain emotional maturity, personal responsibility, and recovery from mental illness. Leadership training and consultation to develop new groups.


Hope your fever clears up mate.
Take it easy.
Where you at with CBT and the like?

-Vincent