Ouch

[Wheeler]

People are scary. Just dive in so here I go. People tell me to just jump in and start meeting people, they may as well be telling me to dive into the deep end and not drown, or jump into a rose bush and not get all scratched. I know its going to hurt. What am I doing wrong? Or is it supposed to hurt? Do I just try to get used to hurting? How do I do that?

 

[Noca]

You should do controlled exposures with a CBT therapist instead of doing it on your own.

 

[danstelter]

You should do controlled exposures with a CBT therapist instead of doing it on your own.

Good advice, or if you can't afford one, start small. If you try to just jump into the middle of a crowd, that is very overwhelming for us social phobics! Instead, try it gradually. It takes a lot of hard work over a long period of time to gain the skills necessary to manage anxiety in front of large groups.

Start small, like just saying hello to someone on a street, or by striking up a conversation with the grocery store clerk. Then move up to bigger and better things, like attending small groups like exercise groups at your local gym, or whatever it is that you are interested in doing. Anyway, the trick is systematic desensitization, which means that you start small and work your way up.

Doing this under the guise of a CBT therapist or a counselor is best, but such an option is not always affordable for everyone, so maybe you will have to do it yourself. Good luck and be sure to ask questions if you are lost or confused!

 

[Wheeler]

So by starting small and working up then I gradually desensitize myself from feeling hurt? Then does that make it easier to talk with people? I think I'm lost.

 

[Soulspectre]

Remember, a positive attitude goes a LONG way. I have found with just a little optimism you can start to feel really good about yourself, and that things really aren't as bad as you make them out to be. For instance in my journalism class, we had to get in front of the camera and act as reporters. Needless to say I was a little nervous. 2 Weeks later we had to watch our performance, IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS!!! WHOA!!! right? The funny thing is that when I went in there I had a positive attitude and was just able to laugh it off, and I really didn't do bad or look stupid at all. Laughter really is the best medicine, it promotes positive thoughts and well-being. Always remember to be optimistic and look for the good in all things. And, hey if people don't like you it doesn't matter you just have to laugh it off and say "Well that's your problem pally" So don't take things so seriously just learn to enjoy life and have fun with the simple stupidities.

 

[danstelter]

So by starting small and working up then I gradually desensitize myself from feeling hurt? Then does that make it easier to talk with people? I think I'm lost.

Yes, that is certainly part of it. The other point is that if you have severe social anxiety (like I did in in the past) certain situations are just going to be out of your ability to handle (same thing with me when I first started getting over this). The positive attitude idea is great, and I think that if you start small, that is the best way to get success started - with small ones. Michael Jordan didn't just start playing basketball one day and join the NBA the next; he worked long and hard. First, he beat his brothers; then he beat other high school players; then he moved on to the college ranks; then to the pros where he dominated for years.

I think the best way, yes is to work your way up and keep a positive attitude. Praise yourself for any success that you have, no matter how small, and get the snowball rolling. By the time the snowball is huge, you will be surprised at how relaxed and happy you have become!

 

[Wheeler]

So if I don't care what people think of me, then why even bother trying to get people to like me? I like when people like me. It feels good to have someone say they like me. If I just stop caring what people think of me don't those good feelings go away too?

 

[danstelter]

Ahh, you raised a good point. I guess the distinction is that you need to care about the positive side and take that and enjoy it, but not care about the negative feedback that you receive. There will also be times where you, and I am guilty of this as well, will feel criticized by others or perceived negatively by them, when in fact they think positively about your or don't really care.

Good point - yes I would take the positive stuff and enjoy that (don't let it go to your head though), but let the negative stuff go.

The other thing you said is to "get people to like me" which is not a good way of thinking about it. Other people like you because they like who you are. Don't try to get people to like you because you will find yourself doing things that you don't like in order to "get" people to like you. Just be yourself, treat others with respect, and let other people like you.

Good point raised! Hope this helps!