Ok ok i'm back. unwillingly but i'm back.......

[of_darkness]

It was good while it lasted. (.....that was a lie) I never officialy left, if anyone remembers me I seemed to be always on about being fortunate and getting better at that life thing but...as it happens I found my way back with you lot. where I belong really.

I had an argument with my dad just now. basicaly my whole family goy involved but that wasn't the point...

he was going on about how I never knew what was going on, and I neve rlisten and all of that. He told me to 'turn off that light' to take a picture of something, so i turned off the small table light thing he actually pointed near, and he got all annoyed that i didn't get that he wanted the main light off....

that was a few hours ago. made a point over nothing. so now he just used it as an example of me being so clueless about everything and I need to interact more, and talk to people. Bear in mind this was all done in an annoyed way.

Now I would have thought he'd understand at least some of what I'm going through! Fucking hell!!! that was uncalled for! I also just endured the long stretched out 18th birthday of my cousin. we're the same age. I could talk to her and her sisters and occasionaly one of their boyfriends who was a decent guy. but the thing is the amount of time i was talking was at least 95% of the time. very sure of that. then again very usual (for us lot!!) too. then again, reminded me of how i'm not better at all. I can't do this. I hate humans as much as always, I don't want to talk, and my parents ttally misunderstand me no matter how much they value me.

so...that's that. I'm feeling low again. Do you ever get the feeling that yeah you have SA, fair enough you're a social retard,,,,,but do you ever think that theres more?!?! to others?! do I look like I have mental problems? do i look really simple? do people need to speak to me diferently? I'm probably being paranoid, i've always been a norma person, but It's all making me think.. i react so little to speach and find it so hard that I might just look mentally fucked. and not worth the effort. it's just a thought. Not true but i'm feelingbad enough again, might as well think of reasons.

I wasn't always a complainer at this site but I've had my bad points. This is an all time low. Why does noone get it? I can't communicate my feelings through physical emotion, I never could. It should be OBVIOUS why I excell at creativity and suck at strategy. obvious. I quit. Fuck them. I don't want to be normal again, friends are a thing of a past. I think I have 1 now. we make music together and he's even more fucked up than I am, in the opposite way...

So....no idea what the hell I just wrote actually. it's kinda late.

Hi everyone, i'm probably here to stay....what a sad thought. has anyone died recently? found themselves? killed someone? become famous?....

 

[HexNoir]

Wow, dude. I relate a lot. I've been a little more relaxed on the subject lately, but I still get weirded out sometimes. I get this weird feeling where I actually feel like my skin doesn't want me to inhabit it anymore... as weird as that sounds. I feel all disconnected and depersonalized and shit - and start feeling almost like I'm dreaming. It only happens occasionally, but I get so sad over it. I hate using the word depressed since I don't slit my wrists over it, but you know what I'm saying. Just like a general feeling like I'm dying inside. Also, I have severe eczema... that doesn't help anything. Everyone says it's because of stress, even though I don't have shit to be stressed out about (guess I'm really just that anxious!). It's like my skin really is decaying already.

I guess I'm good at faking it though, since my family used to worry about me and now they suddenly don't anymore. Also, nobody talks down to me like they used to - ever get that? Like you're special or something and need to be talked to like you're 8? At least that nightmare is over. Maybe I'm healing, but if I am it's definitely happening slowly. I'm 18 and I'm still afraid to get a job, girlfriend, or have any kind of responsibility, etc.

Anyway, this isn't about me. Just saying, I know how you feel. Like I said, even though some things are looking up, I still feel like the same dead person on the inside... just like I was born. I used to throw around the 'I hate evrybody' card, too, but I realized the reality of the matter - I love everybody... and hate myself.

 

[shon]

When I was growing up, my dad would yell at me and degrade me all the time. He did the same to my mother (who is much like me). He would start fights over simple things and bitch at us for hours looking for some kind of reaction or facial expression. I just didn't look upset enough to his satisfaction so he'd keep going. My mom never looked upset either but he looked confused when she threw a mirror through a picture window and shattered it Could your dad be looking for some kind of expressions? Some people just don't show it on their faces, nothing wrong with that. Also, when you're a nice person, people learn what they can get by with and how they can treat you. You probably already know that.

 

[of_darkness]

Well I used to 'love everybody' too. I just decided to hate stuff a bit. Not feeling so bad now but it still sounds like a good idea. I think I was just particularly angry, and I had also just decided that everything is just really wrong! I don't want to try and live by other people's standards anymore, and they are probably wrong too...ah well. I don't feel very bad at the momet,

and for 'Shon' , actually my dad isn't really a problem at all. He doesn't degrade anyone and walk over us....(well in a sense he does a little bit occasionaly but we're just as strong )

I don't think it's anything like 'looking for expressions', he's just irritable sometimes. I think it was more about the fact that I'm like this, and he was just generally annoyed at me.