clean_kate
New member
Since moving out of my parents' house five years ago I've become increasingly concerned with cleanliness. It was just about food for the first four years but it seems to be spreading. I'm trying to figure out what the underlying cause is and how to reverse it.
Here's what I'm talking about: My food has to be "clean." The dishes have to have gone through a dishwasher (which I choose to consider infallible) or have been washed by someone who pays close attention to detail and washes their hands beforehand. When emptying the dishwasher, I prefer to wash my hands first. When I grab a utensil out of the drawer or a plate off the stack, I do my best to keep from touching the others (in the drawer, stack, etc.) so that they don't become dirty since I don't normally wash my hands before grabbing dishes/utensils. I'll grab plates, bowls, and glasses by the sides (where the food won't touch). When making my food I don't let anything touch the counter, cupboards, etc.. I wash my hands before handling food (this includes if I've just washed them and then touched something that's "dirty" like a counter). It's kinda of hard to explain but imagine that the world is covered in invisible paint and the only way to get it off is to wash it off. I'm not afraid of germs or dirt or anything like that in particular... I just see this stuff as gross. To me it seems as though most people just aren't aware of how gross these things are and that's why they can get past it. For example, what if someone were to scratch their dog vigorously (enough to get hair and oil underneath their fingernails) and then toss a salad by hand? Would that gross you out?
I normally don't get really anxious or anything when I can't meet all of these conditions but it makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I'm able to get past it sometimes in social situations (e.g. eating at someone's house) because I don't want to have to admit how I feel (and I kind of use it to help me get past it) and that doesn't cause me extreme stress or anxiety. However, there are times when getting past it is "optional" and my frustration with my demands can kind of set me off.
Recently it's sort of migrated to things other than food. Sometimes it matters to me that the pillowcase I lay my head on is "clean" (I imagine someone leaning against some gross wall and then leaning back against my pillowcase -- that would make it "dirty" even if I couldn't see any dirt). When I hold my guinea pigs, I wash all parts of me that came in contact with them and throw my clothes in the wash (after all, they walk around in their own feces).
Note that when I talk about washing here I almost always mean wash once. There are a few times when I'll wash my hands more than once (didn't get enough soap the first time, they got so gross I feel like they're still dirty) but this happens about once a month.
Also I've had some mild OCD-like behaviors in the past (e.g. stepping an equal number of times with my left foot as my right on the same type of surface) but I'm able to get past it with minimal discomfort. I still notice that I'm walking on different surfaces but it doesn't bother me very much. I'm hoping that if I keep "ignoring" the discomfort I'll eventually get rid of the behavior.
Anyway, does anyone know what would have caused this? Does it have a name? How can I get past it? Some people have suggested that I just "face my fear" and eat stuff anyway and learn that nothing bad comes of it. Thing is, I *know* nothing bad comes of it -- it's just gross!
Here's what I'm talking about: My food has to be "clean." The dishes have to have gone through a dishwasher (which I choose to consider infallible) or have been washed by someone who pays close attention to detail and washes their hands beforehand. When emptying the dishwasher, I prefer to wash my hands first. When I grab a utensil out of the drawer or a plate off the stack, I do my best to keep from touching the others (in the drawer, stack, etc.) so that they don't become dirty since I don't normally wash my hands before grabbing dishes/utensils. I'll grab plates, bowls, and glasses by the sides (where the food won't touch). When making my food I don't let anything touch the counter, cupboards, etc.. I wash my hands before handling food (this includes if I've just washed them and then touched something that's "dirty" like a counter). It's kinda of hard to explain but imagine that the world is covered in invisible paint and the only way to get it off is to wash it off. I'm not afraid of germs or dirt or anything like that in particular... I just see this stuff as gross. To me it seems as though most people just aren't aware of how gross these things are and that's why they can get past it. For example, what if someone were to scratch their dog vigorously (enough to get hair and oil underneath their fingernails) and then toss a salad by hand? Would that gross you out?
I normally don't get really anxious or anything when I can't meet all of these conditions but it makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I'm able to get past it sometimes in social situations (e.g. eating at someone's house) because I don't want to have to admit how I feel (and I kind of use it to help me get past it) and that doesn't cause me extreme stress or anxiety. However, there are times when getting past it is "optional" and my frustration with my demands can kind of set me off.
Recently it's sort of migrated to things other than food. Sometimes it matters to me that the pillowcase I lay my head on is "clean" (I imagine someone leaning against some gross wall and then leaning back against my pillowcase -- that would make it "dirty" even if I couldn't see any dirt). When I hold my guinea pigs, I wash all parts of me that came in contact with them and throw my clothes in the wash (after all, they walk around in their own feces).
Note that when I talk about washing here I almost always mean wash once. There are a few times when I'll wash my hands more than once (didn't get enough soap the first time, they got so gross I feel like they're still dirty) but this happens about once a month.
Also I've had some mild OCD-like behaviors in the past (e.g. stepping an equal number of times with my left foot as my right on the same type of surface) but I'm able to get past it with minimal discomfort. I still notice that I'm walking on different surfaces but it doesn't bother me very much. I'm hoping that if I keep "ignoring" the discomfort I'll eventually get rid of the behavior.
Anyway, does anyone know what would have caused this? Does it have a name? How can I get past it? Some people have suggested that I just "face my fear" and eat stuff anyway and learn that nothing bad comes of it. Thing is, I *know* nothing bad comes of it -- it's just gross!
