MyUglyFace23
Member
Hello all, this is my first post on here, and my first post on any sort of mental health forum, and I would like to say that I am very excited to connect with others, and talk about myself like the self-absorbed individual that i am 
To start off, I am diagnosed with BDD, generalized anxiety disorder, and dysthymia. My BDD has been 'present,' since I was very young. I remember laying in bed crying over my realization that I was in fact stuck in this physical body for the rest of my life. I don't want to go into too many personal details of events, but basically, I am pretty sure I have been dissociating ever since being a young child, as my memories are very very limited. Additionally, I discovered alcohol at 18, whoops, and that lead to many many blackouts and unwanted projectile vomiting LOL yikes. I am mostly past the binge drinking phase of my life thank god, but the damage is definitely permanent.
Fast forward to the present, and as far as seeking help goes, I am seeing a therapist that I have been with for over a year and a half. Unfortunately, what started out as a very solid relationship, one where i wanted it to be a room of complete honesty and truth has crumbled into me sitting there giving short answers and him blabbing on in a caffeinated rambling state. Our first session, a year and a half ago, consisted of me handing him a piece of paper of some of my dark secrets, that i thought I would take to the grave with me. While I have had moments of great clarity and happiness, it has seemed quite unuseful over many of the last few months, and I don't see improvement, and in fact see digression. I admit, I have not done the CBT he has asked me to do, but that mostly consists of him saying my percption of others reactions to others is wrong. Should I leave him? Or just tell him what i just said? Every time im driving there, i tell myself 'I'm gonna confront him this time, yeah!' And then....nothing happens.
Ok this is kinda getting long but i just wanna share a bit about my first few days of my new job and how awful it has been. I got hired to work at a hospital on the child and adolescent mental health unit as a psych associate. This is my first ever 'real' job as I am just one year out of college, and is by far the most responsibility and pay I have ever received. My biggest anxiety stems from my face. It is leathery, (most likely due to a combo of stress, a former tanning addiction, lots of exposure to outdoor weather, as I am a runner, and acne), I was and still am a huge pimple popper as well, kinda gross but I love it. Like after i popped one, I'll sit there thinking about the sound, how the puss looked coming out, etc. yeah I am gross! Anyway, this anxiety from my face is all consuming, I think about it CONSTANTLY. Additionally it has been noted that I have blunted affect by therapists i have seen and knkwing that has increased my self consciousness about it. Today for example, as i was sitting there watching a powerpoint, i kept thinking ok how should my face be now? I dont want it too limp cuz then it looks like im spacing out, and I'll lose muscleature in my face, I dont want it too strained cuz that looks weird and my face gets red. So, I'll go back and forth about it, which, I think, leads to me twitching my face around, making me look, I would think, as very anxious, and disturbed. As i was walking to lunch, i got stopped by a security guard and asked where my visitor badge was. I automatically assumed, as Im guessing most with BDD do, that he stopped me cuz I looked mentally disturbed, and he wanted to make sure i was supposed to be there. Ugh, im sorry this is so long. I could go on and on:kickingmyself: I don't know what i'm looking for here really, i'm so confused. Not even my parents can look me in the eye, people avoid me, and look at me strangely, i feel like I am a monster. How I got hired at a job as good as this is beyond me, i think I was having a good day. I don't know if i am gonna make it and tomorrow is only my third day:crying: I will be shadowing someone on my ward, and meeting the patients and other staff, ugh I need help so badly. Even when i'm by myself, I obssess over this godawful face of mine. Please help, any kind words would be so wonderful, as i am so alone in all this.
P.S. I am not on any meds currently but am considering starting tomorrow back up on my 20 mg doseage of citalopram
To start off, I am diagnosed with BDD, generalized anxiety disorder, and dysthymia. My BDD has been 'present,' since I was very young. I remember laying in bed crying over my realization that I was in fact stuck in this physical body for the rest of my life. I don't want to go into too many personal details of events, but basically, I am pretty sure I have been dissociating ever since being a young child, as my memories are very very limited. Additionally, I discovered alcohol at 18, whoops, and that lead to many many blackouts and unwanted projectile vomiting LOL yikes. I am mostly past the binge drinking phase of my life thank god, but the damage is definitely permanent.
Fast forward to the present, and as far as seeking help goes, I am seeing a therapist that I have been with for over a year and a half. Unfortunately, what started out as a very solid relationship, one where i wanted it to be a room of complete honesty and truth has crumbled into me sitting there giving short answers and him blabbing on in a caffeinated rambling state. Our first session, a year and a half ago, consisted of me handing him a piece of paper of some of my dark secrets, that i thought I would take to the grave with me. While I have had moments of great clarity and happiness, it has seemed quite unuseful over many of the last few months, and I don't see improvement, and in fact see digression. I admit, I have not done the CBT he has asked me to do, but that mostly consists of him saying my percption of others reactions to others is wrong. Should I leave him? Or just tell him what i just said? Every time im driving there, i tell myself 'I'm gonna confront him this time, yeah!' And then....nothing happens.
Ok this is kinda getting long but i just wanna share a bit about my first few days of my new job and how awful it has been. I got hired to work at a hospital on the child and adolescent mental health unit as a psych associate. This is my first ever 'real' job as I am just one year out of college, and is by far the most responsibility and pay I have ever received. My biggest anxiety stems from my face. It is leathery, (most likely due to a combo of stress, a former tanning addiction, lots of exposure to outdoor weather, as I am a runner, and acne), I was and still am a huge pimple popper as well, kinda gross but I love it. Like after i popped one, I'll sit there thinking about the sound, how the puss looked coming out, etc. yeah I am gross! Anyway, this anxiety from my face is all consuming, I think about it CONSTANTLY. Additionally it has been noted that I have blunted affect by therapists i have seen and knkwing that has increased my self consciousness about it. Today for example, as i was sitting there watching a powerpoint, i kept thinking ok how should my face be now? I dont want it too limp cuz then it looks like im spacing out, and I'll lose muscleature in my face, I dont want it too strained cuz that looks weird and my face gets red. So, I'll go back and forth about it, which, I think, leads to me twitching my face around, making me look, I would think, as very anxious, and disturbed. As i was walking to lunch, i got stopped by a security guard and asked where my visitor badge was. I automatically assumed, as Im guessing most with BDD do, that he stopped me cuz I looked mentally disturbed, and he wanted to make sure i was supposed to be there. Ugh, im sorry this is so long. I could go on and on:kickingmyself: I don't know what i'm looking for here really, i'm so confused. Not even my parents can look me in the eye, people avoid me, and look at me strangely, i feel like I am a monster. How I got hired at a job as good as this is beyond me, i think I was having a good day. I don't know if i am gonna make it and tomorrow is only my third day:crying: I will be shadowing someone on my ward, and meeting the patients and other staff, ugh I need help so badly. Even when i'm by myself, I obssess over this godawful face of mine. Please help, any kind words would be so wonderful, as i am so alone in all this.
P.S. I am not on any meds currently but am considering starting tomorrow back up on my 20 mg doseage of citalopram
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