Hi everyone,
I joined this group today because I'm having to face up to the fact that in both my current job and previous 2 jobs, I am experiencing/have experienced non-verbal bullying/harrassment. I also recently experienced it in a shop from a member of staff.
This is a tricky issue and I would really welcome some advice, or hear about others' experiences with this. I can't seem to find anything out about it on the internet.
Incidence 1. In a previous job of mine, an older male colleague of mine (who I admittedly found quite attractive, and he may have guessed) would cough every time he walked past my desk/work area. After a while, I found this quite embarrassing and wished he would stop. Because it was only coughing though, I would have felt silly making a complaint or telling him to stop. I didn't even know him, or work with him - it was a big organisation, and he was a manager. I shared my work area with lots of other people, but noticed that he would only do it when he could see I was sitting there. I felt a lot of stress over this. Eventually I left. This was mainly to continue my studies, but I would not have felt comfortable about continuing to work there.
Incidence 2. In my next job, an older, male colleague of mine (I am a young female) would make slurping, kissing type noises when he walked past my desk, always when we were alone or surrounded by few other colleagues. I had no doubt that this was aimed at me. It made me feel very uncomfortable and I eventually brought it to the attention of my line manager. My line manager took my complaint seriously but suggested it was because my colleague was West African, and it was just a cultural thing, and not anything to do with me. I have lived in a neighbourhood where many West African people (including my best friend and her famaily live) and have never heard these sort of slurping noises used in an everyday context; nor has my best friend. I told my line manager this. I was asked to monitor the situation, but left some weeks later. This was because I found another (better) job in another organisation. My leaving was not because of the harrassment.
Incidence 3. In my current job, my office (which I share with one other person) is located on a corridor, and is opposite the ladies toilet. For this reason, the corridor is somewhat of a thoroughfare for female staff in our building. One or two months ago, I noticed that on occasions throughout the day, someone would sniff loudly outside my office. It seemed a little strange, as I didn't know of anyone at work who had an ongoing cold or 'sniff'. As the weeks went by, I realised this was probably not something coincidental, as it happened several times a day and always happened when my teammate was absent or out of the office i.e. when I was alone. I then noticed that the sniff graduated into a cough. It didn't sound a 'natural' cough though, which made me suspect the person was faking it. Recently, I have also heard someone 'kissing teeth' in an intimidating manner and making tutting noises whilst passing my door. I believe this is the same person. I have since discovered who it is that is doing the coughing, by peering through the crack in my office door. The person doing it is a female - I will call her 'Jennifer'. She is about the same age as me, and works in a nearby office on my floor. I do have contact with her on occasion, but really can't see why she would pick on me, aside from the fact that I am a relatively newer member of staff (I have been working there just over a year) and am fairly isolated as I do not have a big team around me and my office is fairly isolated in the building. I can be fairly quiet, but am also friendly and polite.
I have told my immediate team member (I will call her 'Mary') about what is happening. Mary is sympathetic. She says she has also found Jennifer to have something of an attitude issue in the past - nothing major, just had the sense that something is a bit 'off' with her, and that she does not like responding to requests for information.
Incidence 4. I was in a clothes store recently, looking for a gift for my boyfriend. The sales assistant asked if I wanted any help, and I politely replied that I was ok, and was just looking to see what they had in store. A minute or so later, the shop assistant stood quite close to me and started 'kissing teeth' in an intimidating manner and making strange coughing noises near me. This made me feel really uncomfortable and I soon left the shop. I was the only person in the vicinity.
These are four separate incidents in four organisations/businesses, in different parts of the country. Clearly, there is something about 'me' that seems to attract this type of non-verbal bullying/harrassment. I am at a loss to know what to do about it though. None of these people are stupid; they know that if they say something verbal, this is something unambiguous and can be noted on record. In non-verbal harrassment, if the victim confronts the bully, the bully will (of course) deny what is going on; they simply have a cough etc etc. Trying to 'prove' to anyone what is going on, without any witnesses, without any words having been uttered, without any gestures, seems impossible. I would prefer they were open and said something to me directly. It would therefore be something concrete and unambiguous that I could respond to. As it is, I just have a regular, ongoing intrusion into my work and life, which I feel I can do nothing about.
While it is true that 'kissing teeth' or 'kiss teeth' is something that originates mainly from Caribbean culture (and possibly West African culture too), both the people in Incidences 3 and 4 are white, and live in mainly white parts of the country.
At the age of 14, I moved schools because I was bullied by my so-called ‘best friend’ and some other friends hers (all girls) on the school bus. They would mock the ‘posh’ way I spoke, and would sit several rows behind me on the bus so that I couldn’t see them. The bullying was done in front of everyone on the school bus. They also excluded me in other ways. After I changed schools, I was bullied at my new school, as I was lacking in confidence and other kids guessed I had moved schools because of bullying. I had few friends.
I would appreciate any advice that people may have.
Anna
I joined this group today because I'm having to face up to the fact that in both my current job and previous 2 jobs, I am experiencing/have experienced non-verbal bullying/harrassment. I also recently experienced it in a shop from a member of staff.
This is a tricky issue and I would really welcome some advice, or hear about others' experiences with this. I can't seem to find anything out about it on the internet.
Incidence 1. In a previous job of mine, an older male colleague of mine (who I admittedly found quite attractive, and he may have guessed) would cough every time he walked past my desk/work area. After a while, I found this quite embarrassing and wished he would stop. Because it was only coughing though, I would have felt silly making a complaint or telling him to stop. I didn't even know him, or work with him - it was a big organisation, and he was a manager. I shared my work area with lots of other people, but noticed that he would only do it when he could see I was sitting there. I felt a lot of stress over this. Eventually I left. This was mainly to continue my studies, but I would not have felt comfortable about continuing to work there.
Incidence 2. In my next job, an older, male colleague of mine (I am a young female) would make slurping, kissing type noises when he walked past my desk, always when we were alone or surrounded by few other colleagues. I had no doubt that this was aimed at me. It made me feel very uncomfortable and I eventually brought it to the attention of my line manager. My line manager took my complaint seriously but suggested it was because my colleague was West African, and it was just a cultural thing, and not anything to do with me. I have lived in a neighbourhood where many West African people (including my best friend and her famaily live) and have never heard these sort of slurping noises used in an everyday context; nor has my best friend. I told my line manager this. I was asked to monitor the situation, but left some weeks later. This was because I found another (better) job in another organisation. My leaving was not because of the harrassment.
Incidence 3. In my current job, my office (which I share with one other person) is located on a corridor, and is opposite the ladies toilet. For this reason, the corridor is somewhat of a thoroughfare for female staff in our building. One or two months ago, I noticed that on occasions throughout the day, someone would sniff loudly outside my office. It seemed a little strange, as I didn't know of anyone at work who had an ongoing cold or 'sniff'. As the weeks went by, I realised this was probably not something coincidental, as it happened several times a day and always happened when my teammate was absent or out of the office i.e. when I was alone. I then noticed that the sniff graduated into a cough. It didn't sound a 'natural' cough though, which made me suspect the person was faking it. Recently, I have also heard someone 'kissing teeth' in an intimidating manner and making tutting noises whilst passing my door. I believe this is the same person. I have since discovered who it is that is doing the coughing, by peering through the crack in my office door. The person doing it is a female - I will call her 'Jennifer'. She is about the same age as me, and works in a nearby office on my floor. I do have contact with her on occasion, but really can't see why she would pick on me, aside from the fact that I am a relatively newer member of staff (I have been working there just over a year) and am fairly isolated as I do not have a big team around me and my office is fairly isolated in the building. I can be fairly quiet, but am also friendly and polite.
I have told my immediate team member (I will call her 'Mary') about what is happening. Mary is sympathetic. She says she has also found Jennifer to have something of an attitude issue in the past - nothing major, just had the sense that something is a bit 'off' with her, and that she does not like responding to requests for information.
Incidence 4. I was in a clothes store recently, looking for a gift for my boyfriend. The sales assistant asked if I wanted any help, and I politely replied that I was ok, and was just looking to see what they had in store. A minute or so later, the shop assistant stood quite close to me and started 'kissing teeth' in an intimidating manner and making strange coughing noises near me. This made me feel really uncomfortable and I soon left the shop. I was the only person in the vicinity.
These are four separate incidents in four organisations/businesses, in different parts of the country. Clearly, there is something about 'me' that seems to attract this type of non-verbal bullying/harrassment. I am at a loss to know what to do about it though. None of these people are stupid; they know that if they say something verbal, this is something unambiguous and can be noted on record. In non-verbal harrassment, if the victim confronts the bully, the bully will (of course) deny what is going on; they simply have a cough etc etc. Trying to 'prove' to anyone what is going on, without any witnesses, without any words having been uttered, without any gestures, seems impossible. I would prefer they were open and said something to me directly. It would therefore be something concrete and unambiguous that I could respond to. As it is, I just have a regular, ongoing intrusion into my work and life, which I feel I can do nothing about.
While it is true that 'kissing teeth' or 'kiss teeth' is something that originates mainly from Caribbean culture (and possibly West African culture too), both the people in Incidences 3 and 4 are white, and live in mainly white parts of the country.
At the age of 14, I moved schools because I was bullied by my so-called ‘best friend’ and some other friends hers (all girls) on the school bus. They would mock the ‘posh’ way I spoke, and would sit several rows behind me on the bus so that I couldn’t see them. The bullying was done in front of everyone on the school bus. They also excluded me in other ways. After I changed schools, I was bullied at my new school, as I was lacking in confidence and other kids guessed I had moved schools because of bullying. I had few friends.
I would appreciate any advice that people may have.
Anna
....while I have experienced bullying at work in the past, mine was emotional/physcological bullying. Yes it is certainly a problem with the non-verbal bullying because it can't be proven.