No way out

[elle321]

Hi, I'm still new to this forum, and I hope to get the help that I need. I'm a 20-year-old female college student.

Could anyone kindly give me your opinion, or any advice on how to cope? Or a link to a helpful website?

My current biggest problem is either a panic or flashback. It lasts for hours, hits any time of a day. When I'm in panic, I can't even do those "grounding methods" and I swear the fear is worse than death. It could drive me to automatically kill myself.

My T told me the "flashback" was just a withdrawal symptom from stop taking Asendin I was supposed to keep taking. I hated the Asendin because it didn't "lift my moods" like my Dr. told me. Instead, it just made me drowsy and engage in worse bulimic behaviors.

But it's been a while since I stopped taking Asendin, and I still have anxiety and panic, so it's more than just a withdrawal symptom, right? So like many self-help sites say, I tried sending e-mails to friends and calling suicidal hotlines, but my friends of course don't reply, and overall, nothing has worked. (Except for overdosing on OTC meds. My liver must be failing.)

I have no friends. Anyone I've met, once they got to know what kind of person I was, left me. They refuse any contact with me. Borderline personality I believe is what I have. (Just a self-diagnosis.) Moreover, most of traits written in the Personality disorder "cluster B" applies to me as well.

I've been bulimic since age 15. I'm currently anorexic, which stabilizes my mind because it's one in my short list of coping methods, along with self-injury and suicidal attempts.

I plan to quit college because my poor concentration has gotten worse and can't read anything anymore. It's also hard for me to understand auditory information.

I'm too anxious in public places, so when I'm sitting in class I often become panicked, so many times I "run away" and go home and engage in bulimic behaviors (binge and purge). This was the pattern. I'm now too tired to go through this routine. I curse myself for lacking self-control. I'm a lazy pig.

But education doesn't seem to matter anymore. I have numerous health problems partially because of the dysfunctional family I was raised in. For example, my spine became acutely curved at 13, and at 18 I was finally able to have a surgery to correct it. But it was too late I think. I'm going to die soon from liver illness or something. I was abused in every way and it just showed itself in my spine.

I swear the panic and fear is worse than death. Does anyone know how to die without pain? I don't want anything from life any more. No one loves me, I swear.

Or, does anyone know how to stop being so anxious without meds? Like holistic dietary supplements? Note that my panic is intense. I hate therapies. They don't really know. I can't afford inpatient programs. Life is awful.

 

[sabbath92003]

Hi elle321, welcome to SPW!

Or, does anyone know how to stop being so anxious without meds? Like holistic dietary supplements? Note that my panic is intense. I hate therapies. They don't really know. I can't afford inpatient programs. Life is awful.

I don't know of any way to stop being so anxious. However I do know a great way to deal with it, it's called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT has helped me where meds and CBT just made me worse. You can learn ACT thru self-help workbooks, usually around $20.

www.thehappinesstrap.com

 

[elle321]

To sabbath92003

Dear sabbath92003,

Thank you for your welcoming me to this forum.

I'd never heard of the name ACT, but I will go ahead and try it. I will order a book from Amazon.

Thank you for your advice, and please take care.
Elle

 

[kayelle]

I'm a twenty year old female college student too! At the minute i'm agoraphobic because of my panic attacks, but I'm taking a year old off college to try and recover. A lot of my problem is similar, just the intense fear, not of dying or going crazy (though I have that aswell), but just the fear of the panic itself.
I found confronting all my other issues before confronting my panic helped, even though you say you hate therapies. But I have been able to figure out what it is that i'm afraid of, other than the panic, and that helps so much. Another thing is a book i got off amazon: The anxiety and phobia workbook, by edmund J bourne. It really did helps a lot.

You can beat this, you definitely can. Panic is a completely treatable condition. I believe that fully and that's what keeps me going, the knowledge of a better life that's in my future. I hope you can find some hope too!

 

[elle321]

To kayelle

Dear kayelle,

Thanks for writing to me in such supportive words.

I took a year off college in my freshman year because of my eating disorder and suicide attempts, so I think I can kinda relate.

I hope your recovery will go well, but please take it easy and slow.

(The folks around me were hassling me to "go back to college ASAP", but one could take a 2nd year off too, you know? Life's too long to get screwed up by a mere year of not going to college, and better yet, we are in the middle of learning life's greatest lessons not taught in college.)

And okay, since you say so, I will look for a therapist. I too think there's deeper issues still going on.

About 75% of my deeper issues were corrected thanks to the several of the therapists I've seen. Now I'm in a therapy slump, so I need to look for a new therapist whom I can trust.

Thanks for your encouragements I will re-read your reply when the next panic attack hits me, to calm myself down.

Take care,

Elle

 

[sophie78]

Hi Elle,

I truly understand where you are coming from, I have pretty much diagnosed myself with BPD as well(or at least sometimes I think I have it). I have suffered with anxiety and panic since the age of 12. It sucks, but I have pretty much cured myself when I realized that the only thing that was bringing on my panic attacks was my fear of them. I have since learned to control my anxiety and panic, by not focusing on it AT ALL. Any kind of negative thought I release it and move on with my day. I see from your posts that you are going through a really difficult time, please hang in there cause it will get better. I also noticed how often you mentioned that you fear liver damage. I feared so many diseases including liver damage (abused alcohol for ten years) that I had to go to a doctor to have it checked out. Turns out its o.k..seriously whatever will give you peace of mind, just do it.

I hope everything turns out...you wanted links to a good site, one that caught my eye the other day, was about this woman who suffered with panic and read that book panic away and it seemed to actually help her. I haven't needed to read it and i hope I don't get to that point, but I have been hearing about it..I think its along the same lines of what I do, not feeding the fear or something, anyways here that link, I hope it helps.

http://www.overcome-panic-attacks.com/

 

[kayelle]

Elle,
I had the same problem with therapists aswell, I had one for a few months when I was really bad and I think she did more bad than good, and she only saw me about once a month! Grr. But as soon as I found one that worked for me it helped so much to figure out stuff I never ever knew about myself so i'd definitely recommend it. Good luck!
And thanks for your kind words too! Cheered me up on a bad day

 

[elle321]

To sophie78

Dear sophie78,

Thank you very much for everything that you wrote.

I think it's a really courageous thing to do, to cure by yourself the panic and anxiety you suffered since you were 12! I can't even imagine how hard that must have been on you.

Okay so I will take your advice seriously. I will try not to care about my fear itself, from no on, right? Thank you for giving me such a great advice

Also, your liver story gave me a great lot of hope.

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through such harsh times that made you turn to alcohol to cope But I'm glad to hear at least your liver is okay because I've always been hearing a liver damage is permanent and stuff. I hope things have gotten better for you since.

And I will take time to explore the information on the lady's website you mentioned in your reply.

Thank you very much, and please take care.

Elle

 

[elle321]

To kayelle

Kayelle,

Yeah we really deserve good therapists! The bigger the issue, the more experienced, that we ask from our therapists.

Good luck to you too!

Take care,

Elle

 

[GloomySunday]

I read your post with interest. I'm sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing.

Certain, rather revealing, pieces of information leapt off the page as I was reading it - poor concentration, lack of motivation, low self esteem and serious physical health problems.

Haven't you drawn a parallel between these symptoms and your anorexia and bulimia? Food isn't just fuel for the body, it's also fuel for the mind. If you aren't eating a healthy diet with the right balance of vitamins and nutrients then it's only natural that your mental and physical health will be affected to a massive degree.

Because of this, I don't think any amount of conventional therapies will help you. You really need to get help with understanding and combating your underlying anorexic and bulimic tendencies. I'm fairly confident that, over time, if you learned to eat sensibly and well, your life and overall health would massively improve.

I eat a very healthy diet and I exercise every day (running, weights, swimming etc) and it's done wonders for me. When I was at my most depressed I was a drug user, a drinker, a chain smoker, ate a dreadful diet and did no exercise whatsoever. It was no wonder my mind responded the way it did. Our body and mind can only give back to us what we put in.

I hope you will consider addressing this most serious aspect of your condition. Carrying on the way you are can only result in your problems getting worse. Promise me you will get help with this. I really feel for you.

 

[elle321]

To GloomySunday

Dear GloomySunday,

Thank you very much for your compassionate reply.

Without your mention on my eating habits, I wouldn't have and nor in the near future ever thought about the relationship between my mental health and eating habits. You're the first person to give me that advice, so thank you very much for that too.

But it's going to take a long road of recovery from my eating disorder really. It's my only way of coping with my parents' abuse.

Like you said you do now, I hope someday I will be able to eat sensibly and exercise regularly everyday and take care of myself.

I'm sorry to hear you had to turn to bad habits in order to cope with harsh times

When I was bulimic, I ate lots of lots of food, threw it up to empty my stomach, and get hyper and my concentration lasted for hours as if I was doped with caffeine and I finished my homework all at once.

Or, if I wasn't able to empty my stomach just by throwing up, I would run for hours and hours to make up for the calories.

I was and am still a perfectionist, and my fear of gaining weight is overwhelming.

Now I'm anorexic, so I only "eat" breakfast that consists only of a glass of diet shake (about 150 cals), and that's all for the day. I never exercise now, but utilize my time by reading, writing, singing, and playing the guitar. (I want to become a professional folk singer.)

This is how I cope now. Still much much better than the time when I was bulimic, because the fact that I'm not eating gives me peace.

Nevertheless, I will always do my best to beat my eating disorder so that I can practice a healthy lifestyle someday.

Thank you very much for your advice. I take your words seriously.

Elle

 

[GloomySunday]

Re: To GloomySunday

Dear Elle

Your responses to people on this thread are very articulate and show great insight and intelligence. This gives me hope for you in the future. You are clearly aware that your life isn't how you want it to be and that you are in desperate need of positive change.

I'm glad to read that you have found a creative outlet for your feelings in writing and music. To me, there is no better way to turn negative experiences into positive ones. Some of my favourite pieces of music and literature were born of great suffering and pain. The writers and composers somehow managed to turn their anguish into heights of mysticism and art that still speak to generations of people. I hope you realise your ambitions to become a professional singer and that I get to hear you "sing your life" someday.

I also hope that you address your underlying problems of anorexia as soon as possible. There is help and support out there, people who understand exactly why you do it and what your relationship with eating and body image is all about. You are not alone in this.

But you're still young and hopefully no long term harm has been done to your body. If left unattended though, anorexia gradually destroys the body's health and natural defences and the outcome is often tragic or fatal. I would hate to see such a thing happen to someone with clearly so much to give to this world.

I wish you nothing but the very best.

Take care.

 

[elle321]

To GloomySunday

Dear GloomySunday,

Thank you very much for your compliments

I promise I'm going to become one of your favorite folk singers by 2010

I will also get help for my anorexia. I adore Karen Carpenter, and there's the stigma. I know anorexia isn't a "lifestyle" chosen by someone, but I'm still not ready to let it go.

I only wish my parents stopped verbally abusing me on the phone so that I can just work on it without being disturbed

Thank you very much for showing such concerns on my eating disorder and overall health.

Please take care,

Elle

 

[sophie78]

Dear Elle,

Thank you. Yes liver damage can be permanent if you have reached the end stage of cirrhosis. Thankfully mine has not and is o.k. I really think that in the end of it all, its just how we manage stress and past stress. For me, I would allow myself to get worked up over everything and needed everything to be perfect. Now I am learning to accept things the way they are and accept who I am. I cannot allow guilt from my past mistakes drain me of all of my energy. I think it would be very beneficial for you to get a good amount of exercise. This releases endorphins and gives you a positive outlook on your body. (but don't over do it)

The only reason why I like that woman's site is because she focuses alot on not feeding your fear and learning to overcome it. Also she recommends alot of good tips for decreasing anxiety and stress. Perhaps read some and try it...

I really hope you find the proper help that can get you to a place of peace and happiness.

Take Care

sophie78[/i]

 

[elle321]

To sophie78

Dear Sophie,

Thank you for writing again.

I don't know what I say to you, but to say I wish you a good health and peace of mind and overall luck and happiness, because I've never been to where you were up to, and I'm not going to pretend like I understand fully of your pain.

Please take care,

Elle