D3adInsid3
New member
This is for me, I needed to say some things. I may never return after i post it idk. Its just a scattered drop in the bucket a jumbled mess that probably wont even make sense. but it did make me feel alittle better admitting im nutz. . .When i was young, i had to learn to be mean. It took me awhile to figure it out, i could cry or i could attack. I cried alot, sometimes i'd just run away right in front of everyone. Out the front door, across the street, into the corn field lol, im not ready to say why i'd run. No one cared, I kept thinking dad will come get me. middle of the night i think i was 10. I was never scared, not of the dark.In the dark no one could see me.When mom would get drunk dad would give me some money and Force me to follow her down the road at night. I realized laying in the ditch beside the road lol i tripped didnt make it to the saftey of the corn that night. No One gives a $&^% about me.I layed there for hours, weirdly a few cars even went by and didnt see me, that or they didnt care either. I couldnt let her hurt me anymore. .no thats not right i couldnt let her know she was hurting me. I couldnt stop it but being hateful was better than letting her know she hurt me. i would rather get my butt kicked and cry, than cry over her telling me she dont love me. So yeah now as a adult if someone hurts my feelings in any way i snap. usually its just name calling and threats. Then i feel bad, yet i cant apologize. Sometimes just a yell even if its not aimed at me will freak me out. i'll start shaking and Sometimes i CRY, i cant stop it, try to exit the area. always know where the exits are right lol when it happens its like deep, this freakin wave of emotion just floors me. it literally hurts. when dad used to scream at me as i got older (15) I told him to go F himself and he knocked me out lol I learned that i'd rather be knocked out. Took longer to give up on him, sometimes i think dad loved me. he wasnt around much, he had more important things to do.I remember begging him to take me with him, sometimes he did. once i grabbed her by the hair and pulled her off my older sister , i stood up to her and she just smiled at me, this evil looking rabid smile. when dad got home she started crying and told him i beat her up, really. He was going to whip me but i was begging and crying and trying to tell him, my sister saved me well she tried. dad believed us he started yelling at mom calling her a drunk and made me tell her what i thought of her, i really wish i had kept my mouth shut. I told her i thought she was a selfish B, i was a kid but i knew what it meant. she'd called me one enough times. then he left me there. I have never begged someone in my life the way i begged him to take me with him. i ran, ran the wrong way. I hid in the barn tried to burrow into a animal hole in the hay bales. she found me. she had my sis with her idk what she did to her, she was blubbering and god shes as tall as mom y cant she help me. mom had this huge switch idk what it was but it had thorns and they freakin hurt lol she beat me from the barn back to the house. I do admit it could have been worse. she couldnt hurt me to bad im the only one whos actually dads kid. the rest of my siblings are his brothers. I grew up with no rules. shed throw us all out the house to drink with the neighbor guys so we did whatever from a very early age. are punishments werent for being bad kids they were for being alive at all.she was such a manipulater, acting so normal in front of people. I love her. Everything shes done to me. so many things. Abandoning me at 16 leaving the state without telling me. Me searching every bar in town for her. Gone. And i still Drove 2 days to be by her side when she died. Theres more to it than that so much more, she did get alittle nicer still selfish but civil when she lost her leg and they made her stop drinking. it seems like every memory i hold on to is bad.The flames, when all are presents went into the fireplace . .all i have to remember is pain. sometimes when im acting weird, like afraid of people or freaking out, my bf says im just like them. My sisters , my brothers bunch of mental issues there. i'm actually the normal one. I Thought I was somewhat Normal! Everyone says i'm the normal one, so I've always tried to hide my crazy. but he sees it and he uses it against me. I go in public its just sometimes i cant. I dont need to look people in the eye, do i? Is that weird? people im close to i can look in the eye without freaking out. he says im bipolar betty. I get mad about stupid things (usually he hurt my feelings but i dont admit that) when i get mad i cant let it go, i go on and on til he chokes me and then i feel bad cause i was being such a B. He hurt his back and hes on meds. he says the meds make him not wanna do anything. so i sit here knowing he dont want me near him and sometimes i get mad and i wanna be normal again, i wanna kiss him and hug him. it starts to hurt me lol i keep hearing this fu80ing voice in my head telling me he hates u, he'll never love u, just all this crap mean things hes said to me. i hear him mooing at me when he was drunk. him saying everyone would be happier if i would keep my mouth shut. i hear them all telling me they wished i was dead. I need to get it out, i need to fix whatevers wrong with me. I need him to love me. Sometimes i think hes worse than my dad. he tells me he loves me, then hurts me. at least with my parents i knew they didnt know how to love. Maybe he doesnt either. Maybe she was right . .thats what haunts me. actually every word and look runs through my mind on a constant loop. she said alot of words. . No One will Ever Love You. . I think the B&(*^ knew something i didnt. What is it about me that makes me unloveable. I dont want to be here. I dont want to sit here wishing i could just touch him. i know he doesnt want me touching him. i think hes worse than me. sometimes i think he doesnt possess feelings. like hes faking them. in my head i know he doesnt want me anymore. but im in denial. how can he be so jealous and possesive if he doesnt love me. why cant i stop loving him. do i even really know how to love or am i clinging to him because no one else will ever want me. im a nice person, I am. its only when u hurt me that im mean. im a redhead lol i like to throw things. this whole thing makes me sound like im crazy. i think i take more blame than i should, if i say more u think im bipolar and stupid. we've been together 11 years well longer but he went away for awhile. i am to blame for most are fights i shouldnt go around trying to talk to him. i asked him y he doesnt love me. he said dont start this shit again lol he doesnt do im sorry, he doesnt do feelings, and now he doesnt even do me. I have to much crap in my head and i want it ALL out. I talk to my self way to much in my head. I yell at myself and call myself names in my head. sometimes i go thru fazes where ill stare at the wall, I dont hear people trying to talk to me. Sometimes i do that all day. Most nights i cant sleep, its like im in a daydream from hell that won't end. I know its my fault, I'm doing it again. Its like a movie is playing in my head and its so much better than my life and i get stuck there. Hes only caught me doing that weird crap a few times. I still can't keep from doing it at night. I have to stay up really late so i'll be able to pass out before i just lay there all night. i stay up all night then sleep the next, then stay up, i'm Crazy I sound freakin crazy! I'm not even going to ever admit what i think about. Its to hard being the normal one. At least he just thinks im bipolar betty not tinfoil tina lol I'm really not as bad as it sounds. i'm so lonely, but i'm not alone.