Nightclubs and Pubs, is this avoidance behaviour?

[dublinjonny]

Hi,

I'm 21 and I've suffered from Social Anxiety since I was a kid, but in recent years I've managed to overcome SA in most areas of my life.

One thing I've had trouble trying to figure out, however, is whether it's SA that keeps me from enjoying nightclubs and pubs. Although I've overcome most of my SA, this is one aspect that has persistently caused me immense anxiety.

Essentially, I started going to nightclubs at the age of 18. I rarely enjoyed them, and any enjoyment I did get was from "surviving" the night. At that age I felt it was necessary to force myself to go along to nightclubs out of some kind of social necessity, even though I never enjoyed them and I never found them more palatable over time. My thinking then was that I was just being anxious around crowds and that I had to make myself face up to it.

Since I started seeing my girlfriend a year ago, however, I decided to cut clubs and pubs out of my life. At that point I started to view things from a different perspective. I began to think of my SA stemming not from anxiety about being around crowds in clubs and pubs but rather from the notion that I have to force myself to go to clubs and pubs for the sake of socialising when I don't enjoy them. I more or less began to see forcing myself to go to clubs and pubs as the problem rather than avoiding them. I started to think that maybe the idea that clubs and pubs are somehow a necessity of life is essentially an anxiety-driven notion, and that if I don't enjoy them I shouldn't go to them regardless of how many of my peers do.

Now that I'm not going to clubs and pubs my anxiety has certainly decreased but I don't know if it's just because I'm engaging in avoidance behaviour. My social life has dropped off totally besides through college and my girlfriend, which I'm kind of worried about also. Should I go back to trying to enjoy clubs and pubs? Am I engaging in avoidance behaviour? Should I not just find social alternatives to clubs and pubs that I enjoy?

I'd really appreciate any help, thoughts or suggestions on this. Go raibh mile maith agat (A thousand thanks yous), Jonathan from Ireland.

 

[asdfjkl]

bro im the same FUCK'N WAY!!! hahaha you wouldn't believe... Going out to pubs and clubs with my friends, i was always uncomfortable... that was untill I got drunk... I'm still an alcoholic... but now with my gf I have no need to go to them anymore

I don't understand why otherpeople can be so comfortable around other people, i wish I was that way, the only way I can get to be like that is with drinking, guess that's why I'm an alcoholic... :-(

but ive always been against these kinda things, and even if I wasn't, it was like i was forcing myself to go, and I couldn't enjoy myself till I was drunk :-(

but whatever...

duno what to really say, but yeah with the prob we have it really is an avoidance thing, if you were still single or I was still single it would be difficult for the both of us going sober

 

[dublinjonny]

Thanks for the advice

Thanks for the advice man, coincidentally enough I went out to a nightclub for my girlfriends birthday lastnight and I had a pretty good night. I could feel the SA pulling at me and I was certainly quite self-conscious but I managed to focus on relaxing and enjoy myself.

You were saying that you have an alcohol problem, I don't have any particular problem with alcohol, I am actually quite a self-consciously light drinker (probably because I don't want to rely on it), but I've certainly drank heavily to socialise before so I can understand drinking problems when it comes to SA. I can also see it in my older brother, who has quite severe SA and a problem with alcohol. He just can't go out and talk to people without being extremely drunk.

 

[asdfjkl]

yeah that's what it's getting to almost right now it's sucking... I couldn't stand being at a club or anything without drinking... I'd be way to self concious... I swear to my friends im not an alcoholic but I can't pass up a free drink, and if there's beer or liqour involved you bet I'm there... but if there isn't... then forget it... It's goten to the point were it only seems I can function if I drink

that's y im going to the docs this week, well on top of this social anxiety bs I also have a mom who's bipolar, and I never thought I was, but that's what im going to tell them all the symptoms I get or have... I hate the extreme mood difference's ive been getting a lot lately this past year. when the times are good that "self conciousness" goes completely away and I just drink to have good times, but when it gets bad it gets to the point were I don't feel like doing jack crap, can't get outa bed, my self conciousness is skyrocketed, etc, etc... which leads to me not being able to go out unless I'm drunk...

 

[Richey]

im not into dance clubs at all, and thats no secret to most people i know, i enjoy seeing live bands with friends and normally i stick to my interests although i branch out if its family and go along to functions.

again i dont see the point in hanging around at those places all night just because everyone else does it, unless im having the time of my life which is rare when im at a club that plays crap music and you cant hear what other people are saying, and if i dont feel like drinking then its farely pointless. unless im up for watching others overload on booze.

you can talk to people anywhere, at a restaurant, sports club, the shops.
clubs are seen as this grand importance for this generation, but i couldnt give a toss about them or what anyone thinks about it, im frank when it comes to this.

im happy to enjoy the night with anxiety baggage but if i want to leave i just walk out and nicely tell them im tired and leaving, and i know my friends dont like me not hanging around with them all the time but there is a cut-off point where i think to myself i need to be spending my time keeping busy at my hobbies so i have more to talk about when social events arise.

the problem isnt going to the clubs, its having something to talk about and doing it in a way where i dont look like a fool interacting.

listen if your someone who can talk about anything and charm the pants of people and you love dancing to commercial radio music then clubs is where you shout be going to, its your cup of tea.

but i can honestly say for the most part, i find it a real challenge to walk into those places without being repulsed by people who fake it to become people they are not, yep there are down to earth people who dont care about trends, fashions, and live by their morals.

ive witnessed friends who are girls kissing multiple guys in front of their boyfriends, and thats what they live for on the weekends, hey you know....its a free country but forgive me for not wanting to be apart of that scene, i have nothign against it but its not what i consider to be fun or enjoyable.

I dont know......these days i just stick to seeing live concerts and eating out at different restaurants with a couple of people i know ..... every so often

i get a high out of reading and learning about the world, history, music, ive been learning guitar for a year.

some pubs are enjoyable, as im not really into dancing although i do drink, i just find dance clubs overwhelming like a high school popularity teen movie, and i know thats probably the wrong way to see it.

but its where my friends go all the time, and it takes me so long for me to feel remotely comfortable, especially when its so cramped with people.

blah! actually i avoid clubs mostly, and i have no pickle with that at all, its like i dont expect a person who hates the sound of a guitar to join a guitar club

 

[asdfjkl]

I love clubs//pubs... though now that I got a gf again no need to go Even when I did go ino what u mean, i didn't feel comfortable till I had a good amount of drinks///shots in me but it's all good though i'm surprised how many people have my problem I didn't even figure out I have SA till just a few months ago and I found out im also bipolar just the other day and now I'm on med's for that

 

[thequietone]

Everyone's different. I'm sure club atmospheres aren't for everyone (especially me!). I don't think it's fair to judge yourself based on anothers standards of what is "fun".

 

[Predacon]

I wouldn't worry about it, personally I'd hate to go one of those places, but if you're worried about relapsing there are plenty of other places to go to to have fun without all that pressure.

 

[JamesMorgan]

All,

What motivates someone to go to a club or a bar?

They are looking for something aren't they, maybe an escape from their reality which they call their life. An 'out of this world' experience. Wanting to get out their heads, maybe to relax, to let go, maybe to feel normal, maybe to feel comfortable, maybe to have fun, maybe a good place to socialise, to meet others?

Mainly because they want to feel better, happier, like they are actually enjoying life, no?

Most people see drink as a 'refuge', meaning, they seek protection from how they are feeling, the uncomfortableness of their life and escaping the reality of their self.

Why do people seek protection like this? They seek happiness and freedom from their fears by drinking. Its like masking the underlying feelings of fear, unhappiness, loneliness. Most people would disagree, most people would say, "i drink because i enjoy it, it makes me have fun etc" - the point is that no one needs to drink to enjoy themself, no one needs to mask their pain. They are confident that to enjoy themself they need a drink. If drinking were a true cause of enjoyment, it would not give rise to such after effects as hangovers etc.

Using drink drugs etc or even a nightclub to enjoy yourself is up to the individual but enjoyment comes from the inside. When a person can learn to enjoy their world on the inside without the need to seek refuge in things that only really hamper real enjoyment, i feel that person is looking in the right direction.

James