Newbie, question about sex and OCD

[GrvN]

Hello all, I am a new user and I have read through some of the post on here. I feel every ones pain. I have sympathy for you and I hope every one finds some kind of help.

I have a really bad problem with germs. I wash my hands 30 times a day and I dodge people with a cold or the flu or any other sickness. I dont touch door knobs along with a lot of other stuff. I started celexa about 4 months ago and it has really helped with my hand washing and fear of germs. But I still have a problem. I have a problem about sex.

When I was in high school I had unprotected sex with a girl at a party. I had just found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me and this was my way to rebel against the situation. Well the next day my friends started trying to scare my that I had herpes because they found out she had it. Well for about a month I was seriously depressed and I was just waiting for the day that I got it. Well 6 years later I never got it. And I am gratefull for that.

The problem is that ever since that happened, every time I have sex with a woman I get seriously depressed for about 6 months after the fact. My mind keeps racing with thoughts about Herpes, HPV, aids, ect... This has happened 3 times so I just quit having sex all together. There have been times where I have been at a bar, taken a girl home and as soon as my pants come off I flip out and end up kicker her out, or if I am at her house, I will leave faster than a bolt of lighting. This has happened about 10 times. It really sucks. It sucks because I dont have a choice if I want to have sex with her or not. I just cant. I know what it will lead too. Depression.

Ive seen a therapist, about the hand washing and stuff, and it helps, but I am really afraid about talking to him about the sex stuff. He made me start some exposure training. Drinking after people, not washing my hands after touching door knobs, ect... But Im afraid that he is going to suggest that I just need to start having sex with girls as an exposure type therapy.

I have no idea what to do. Im dating this girl, and im dreading the day when sex comes up.

Help me please, what do I do?

 

[RedRibbons]

If you are dating this girl, and she really likes you, she will understand if you want to be safe. Tell her that you want to get STD tests... and that she should too, just to be sure. Stay relaxed and light-hearted about it, don't make it a big deal, just let her know that it's a good idea. Umm.. Once you know you are both clean, and good, then.. You might not feel so depressed, or depressed at all when you have sex with her.. k? That should help.

Just be smart about it.. Don't jump right into sex, wait a while, she should understand that. A lot of young couples want to just jump into it, but I don't recommend sex early on in a relationship. It's just as good to fool around, without intercourse. I'm babbling, I'm tired. Be smart, be safe. Things will be okay! Good luck!

 

[GrvN]

Thanks for the reply Red. I have actually been down that road too. I had one girl tested for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. and I still got depressed. It really sucks. Im afraid Im going to get married and im still going to have this problem. I constantly think about my girlfriends cheating and think im going to get something. Its depressing in its self.

 

[RedRibbons]

Hmm.. Maybe you are suffering from relationship ocd. And that experience in high school was the trigger. I'm always worried that my boyfriends get bored of me, or will cheat on me, and that I will get a horrible disease!

All I can suggest then, if you have tried the std thing, is to wait in the relationship, to see if you can trust her. Research how to build trust in a relationship. I think, it's not the problem with sex and std's, but a problem with trust. Once you can trust this person, your bad feelings about sex/std's/cheating, might disipate.

 

[GrvN]

Wow, I think you might be on to something there. Relationship OCD. I constantly have a fear of cheating. I always try to catch them in something. is relationship OCD a recognized condition like regular OCD? I have never heard of it.

In other good news. I rearanged the table top at the steak house tonight so that our food, drinks silverware and menus were mirroring each other. I do those things when I get nervous. Kinda weird. But we did have a hart to hart, and i guess one of my friends told her about the sex thing and she said to me that we could wait as long as I was confortable with, so that is good news.

Its really weird, I was seeing this one girl, and I hated touching her and kissing her. We never kissed except a hand full of times. but with other girls I dont seemed to be bothered by it. Is that strange? Im thinking because there was no attraction there. But still it really freaked me out to kiss her. This isnt the first time this has happened.

Thanks for the help Red. I really appreciate it.

 

[YankeeBob]

Fear of Sexual Intimacy

GrvN

Very thought provoking post. Like others I admire your courage in bringing it to the surface.

I have been going to 12 Step Programs for the last five years to deal with OCD sexual issues of the opposite extreme - constant thinking/exciting feelings ( Rockets go off )/compulsive behaviour.

I have heard women talk about a fear of sexual intimacy in a 12 Step fellowship called SLAA. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

So you are not alone with this mental issue.

Its not appropriate for me to give you any advice...since I have not "walked in your shoes".

You may however - I emphasize the word MAY - find it helpful to go to a SLAA group and talk about this issue. And connect with people who have your issue.

Take care. Be well.