I've been in and out of therapy over the course of several years and only really found one therapist to be helpful. Unfortunately, I have moved so I no longer have the option of going back to her. I was treated with antidepressants and I was trying to convince them of my social anxiety but for some reason they just didn't seem to think I had it, which was a huge joke. My problem is that I am so shy/anxious about talking to people, I couldn't even talk to most of the therapists I've tried! I get in there and my mind just completely blanks. They ask me something like "What would you like to talk about this session?" and I have absolutely no idea. The one therapist that was helpful, I think I was able to effectively communicate to her that I had this problem, and she would ask A LOT of leading questions to try to draw me out. The other therapists refused to ask questions, even to the point of one of them just sitting there in silence, saying they were not going to talk until I did. That did not work. Just made me even more anxious. Made me feel like they were rejecting me and they were unwilling to help. I think my shyness/social anxiety/ possible avoidant personality is the cause of my depression. I think I need to get back on antidepressants and possibly something for anxiety. I also wonder if therapy can ever help me, if I find the right therapist who is willing to work with me? And it will probably take a long time too.
So I was reading recently about avoidant personality disorder and I think it sounds alot like me. Particularly the part about using fantasy as escapism. I whisper to myself alot when I am alone, and I live alone now so it has become frequent. Basically, I talk as if I'm talking to someone else, like telling them about my day and stuff. And sometimes pretending I'm in a social situation with particular real people, practicing what I would talk about with them.
I don't really have any close friends, but I want them desperately. That makes me think I'm avoidant rather than something like schizoid. I have some casual friends who I go out with, maybe about once a month. But no one I can just call and talk to, or just call that day and say wanna hang out tonight. The casual friends I do have are busy, and have other groups of friends, and basically I have to schedule a time to see them, like a week in advance. About two months ago I coordinated a girls night out with 5 of them, and with their own busy social schedules, we ended up having to schedule it for 3 weeks away. Well the day came, and every single one of them flaked on me. That was such a huge blow to my confidence that I basically retreated into my shell for quite awhile. I went out with a couple of them last weekend, but that was over a month after this failed girls night.
I haven't had a real romantic relationship in quite awhile. I did some internet dating over the summer. I had a whole lot of first dates (probably around 15), only a few second dates. I am just so shy that I cannot open up to someone. I need more than one or two dates before I get comfortable and people are not willing to take that much time to give me a chance. I have someone now who I see once maybe twice a week but it is almost exclusively sexual. Basically, he comes over to my house, we watch a movie or two, talk a little bit, then go to bed. See, sex I have no problem with. I don't have to talk during sex. But we have not progressed emotionally because I just can't seem to open up and talk to him. It seems to me that he may be somewhat avoidant as well, or at least a little bit shy. But I can't tell if he wants to become more emotionally involved with me, or if all he's ever going to want is the sex. And being so shy, there is probably no way I am ever going to be able to ask him. I'm also afraid of the answer, and afraid of losing him. Right now I think I'd rather have the sexual relationship, than nothing at all. Because at least I'm interacting with someone once or twice a week instead of being almost always alone. It also sucks because except for one Friday night, we always see each other on week nights, which still leaves me depressed and lonely on the weekends. It seems he has buddies that he hangs with on the weekends but again I'm too shy/afraid to ask.
I need to figure out how I can make friends. In social situations it's pretty much the same as with the therapists - my mind blanks. People try to talk to me, but my head just doesn't work and I have a hard time contributing to the conversation. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just so anxious about it that I shut down. For example, someone will ask me something easy like "What good movies have you seen lately?" and I LOVE movies so I should be able to talk for hours about this, but my mind blanks and I can't even remember what movies I have seen lately. It's really embarrassing and it makes me feel like I look like a complete idiot. I had friends in elementary and high school, but I think it's because I lived in a small town so it was the same people in my classes for all 12 years. I had plenty of time to get comfortable around them and be able to open up to them. When I went off to college, there were so many new people around and new people coming in and out of my life for short periods of time, that I never made any friends. I had a boyfriend for the entire time I was in college (met him on the internet because there is no way that I can meet new people in real life situations) so I just hung out with him all the time. After college, it's even harder to make friends because you have to seek out things and places to meet them. I also think I'm somewhat judgmental about people - if they don't like the same things that I like or if they do one little annoying thing that I don't like, I decide that I can't be friends with them, even before either of us have had a chance. I think it's kind of a protection mechanism - like I have to reject them before they reject me. It's never like that with romantic situations though. Once I decide I like someone, I'm fixated on them until they reject me. I have always been the one dumped, never have dumped anyone.
Anyway, I don't know if I have any questions, but just wanted to throw my story out here. I wish I had found this forum much much sooner. I have been struggling with this for far too long. Does it sound like I am avoidant or do you think it's just social phobia? I really think I need to go back to therapy like I said, but I have been "avoiding" it. Haha. Well please comment and let me know I'm not alone. Thanks.
So I was reading recently about avoidant personality disorder and I think it sounds alot like me. Particularly the part about using fantasy as escapism. I whisper to myself alot when I am alone, and I live alone now so it has become frequent. Basically, I talk as if I'm talking to someone else, like telling them about my day and stuff. And sometimes pretending I'm in a social situation with particular real people, practicing what I would talk about with them.
I don't really have any close friends, but I want them desperately. That makes me think I'm avoidant rather than something like schizoid. I have some casual friends who I go out with, maybe about once a month. But no one I can just call and talk to, or just call that day and say wanna hang out tonight. The casual friends I do have are busy, and have other groups of friends, and basically I have to schedule a time to see them, like a week in advance. About two months ago I coordinated a girls night out with 5 of them, and with their own busy social schedules, we ended up having to schedule it for 3 weeks away. Well the day came, and every single one of them flaked on me. That was such a huge blow to my confidence that I basically retreated into my shell for quite awhile. I went out with a couple of them last weekend, but that was over a month after this failed girls night.
I haven't had a real romantic relationship in quite awhile. I did some internet dating over the summer. I had a whole lot of first dates (probably around 15), only a few second dates. I am just so shy that I cannot open up to someone. I need more than one or two dates before I get comfortable and people are not willing to take that much time to give me a chance. I have someone now who I see once maybe twice a week but it is almost exclusively sexual. Basically, he comes over to my house, we watch a movie or two, talk a little bit, then go to bed. See, sex I have no problem with. I don't have to talk during sex. But we have not progressed emotionally because I just can't seem to open up and talk to him. It seems to me that he may be somewhat avoidant as well, or at least a little bit shy. But I can't tell if he wants to become more emotionally involved with me, or if all he's ever going to want is the sex. And being so shy, there is probably no way I am ever going to be able to ask him. I'm also afraid of the answer, and afraid of losing him. Right now I think I'd rather have the sexual relationship, than nothing at all. Because at least I'm interacting with someone once or twice a week instead of being almost always alone. It also sucks because except for one Friday night, we always see each other on week nights, which still leaves me depressed and lonely on the weekends. It seems he has buddies that he hangs with on the weekends but again I'm too shy/afraid to ask.
I need to figure out how I can make friends. In social situations it's pretty much the same as with the therapists - my mind blanks. People try to talk to me, but my head just doesn't work and I have a hard time contributing to the conversation. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just so anxious about it that I shut down. For example, someone will ask me something easy like "What good movies have you seen lately?" and I LOVE movies so I should be able to talk for hours about this, but my mind blanks and I can't even remember what movies I have seen lately. It's really embarrassing and it makes me feel like I look like a complete idiot. I had friends in elementary and high school, but I think it's because I lived in a small town so it was the same people in my classes for all 12 years. I had plenty of time to get comfortable around them and be able to open up to them. When I went off to college, there were so many new people around and new people coming in and out of my life for short periods of time, that I never made any friends. I had a boyfriend for the entire time I was in college (met him on the internet because there is no way that I can meet new people in real life situations) so I just hung out with him all the time. After college, it's even harder to make friends because you have to seek out things and places to meet them. I also think I'm somewhat judgmental about people - if they don't like the same things that I like or if they do one little annoying thing that I don't like, I decide that I can't be friends with them, even before either of us have had a chance. I think it's kind of a protection mechanism - like I have to reject them before they reject me. It's never like that with romantic situations though. Once I decide I like someone, I'm fixated on them until they reject me. I have always been the one dumped, never have dumped anyone.
Anyway, I don't know if I have any questions, but just wanted to throw my story out here. I wish I had found this forum much much sooner. I have been struggling with this for far too long. Does it sound like I am avoidant or do you think it's just social phobia? I really think I need to go back to therapy like I said, but I have been "avoiding" it. Haha. Well please comment and let me know I'm not alone. Thanks.