Need some support right now

[Tryin]

Ok now I'm gonna be a selfish teenage whiner screaming for attention for a while.

You know, I don't feel too good right now. I used to be really excited about how things were looking up for the last few weeks, going round this site putting nice-but-stupid posts everywhere, and going round my world smiling stupidly and being pseudo-funny, pseudo-cool, pseudo-authentic (and pseudo-happy). But actually...

I am a slut. I push people away and then I whine because they're not around. I am completely unable to figure out my so-called problems but I think I am capable of giving advices. I don't have any social skills and that's my fault. I see troubled people but I do not help them because of my own stupid blocks. I am able to understand people yet I never do anything for them because of the walls I build around me. I am doing so bad in the school. I should be learning right now but I feel too sorry for myself. I demand to be treated rightly but I do not do it for other people. I demand to be taken seriously but I act like a dumbass. I could (I should) be completely healthy, talented and pretty, yet I stuck with being insane, lazy, good-for-nothing, selfish and ugly. It's all in my head and I know it.

Everything that's wrong with my life is my fault and many things that are wrong with my world could be treated easily by me, but I don't do anything. I preach but I do not practise. I am stuck and I am destructive. I am a slut and I don't know what to do.

 

[rado31]

Hey >Sue,

Stop calling yourself with that name and stop being selfcritics.
I appreciate every answer you and others gave me yesterday
and i saw u helping people more than several times as i m here.
I do believe that u have better social skills than many people, me for example.

If u cant study its pointless to criticize yourself . That is even more misproductive than pushing yourself (which is also contraproductive on a long terms).

 

[mienaino]

I see troubled people but I do not help them because of my own stupid blocks.

I'll try to reply to your post in more detail later, but for the moment I just wanted to comment on this, because of something that happened today, and something else that always happens...
Today, in class, a girl was sitting behind me, sniffling the whole time. The heavy kind of sniffles that I know all too well... like she was trying to hold a kilo of water in a leaky faucet with air pressure. After about 20 minutes of thinking about giving her a tissue, I eventually discreetly put one on the corner of her desk. This was a feat. To memory, I had done something similar, years ago, when an elderly lady was trying to figure out how to use a copying machine, and I helped her with it, but it is by no means something I normally do. I, more often, find it easier to do nothing. I think most people do, for their own reasons (inconvinience, anxiety, etc). I think that's why nobody helps anyone. As long as your intentions are in the right place, just doing one thing, out of a thousand opportunities, is a major victory. It's more than most people would do.

 

[mienaino]

I had originally planned to respond to each part of your post, because you've dug quite a hole for yourself, but then it dawned on me, I do that too... and then again, a lot of people do.
You push people away, and that satisfies one part of you, the part that doesn't want to be around anyone, but it upsets another part of you, the part that longs for companionship. If you were able to figure out your problems, you would, in an instant, make every behavioral psychology book ever published obsolete, and DSM-V would be named after you. If a human being can give advice, I think you're in the clear. Besides, sometimes it's easier to be rational with other people's problems, instead of your own. It's also therapeutic. You have better social skills than you know... usually the people with bad social skills are the most outgoing. You will know them by the trail of vulgar slandering, gossip, taunts, alcohol and blood, etc. As for school, you'll just have to force yourself to put more effort in, and if you have a learning disability, address that (through technique and, if necessary, medication). If you're depressed, then as with anything like that, it's up to you to get yourself out. Seek professional help if need be, otherwise it's time to start unraveling the knots. You deserve to be treated with fairness, but how you treat others is your responsibility. You deserve to be taken seriously, even if you act like a dumbass. The mind is a powerful tool, it can work for you, or against you, and only you have control over it.
If you lack motivation, try a rote method. Do it without thinking. Whatever it is that you think would help you get better, if it's reasonable, do it mechanically. Think of it as personally hijacking your own life. Things will get better, even if they don't -- the mind is a powerful tool.

 

[Tryin]

thank you all so much for your responses. i cannot express how much does every word of it mean to me. there's still such a long way before me, but now I am willing to travel again.so thank you, and wish me luck.

S.