Need Some Opinions I Guess

[PandaBear]

I've been away from this forum for a while now. I joined during the summer after a disastrous college orientation. I wrote some about how terrified I was of college. A lot has happened since then. I came here to college and surprisingly got along with my roommate quite well. During first semester, we would do a lot together. I even worked up the courage to tell her that I am gay (she's the first person I've ever told). She was basically my only friend here, except for her friend who I became friendly with. But then things got really bad with our suitemates. Long story short, she went to the cops about them, I was still in the room, I was confronted by one of the suitemates and her huge boyfriend, considered dropping out because I was so distraught about the whole thing. Anyways, this is only leading up to how all of that changed the course of second semester. We moved to a new dorm. Now we live in just a single room. The first couple of weeks were amazing. We had formed a little group. There were 5 of us. I became really good friends with one of the guys because we are in a class together. I was slowly able to get comfortable with him. He also gets moderately anxious around people, so we understand each other in that way. So it turned out that he liked me. That was a whole ordeal. Especially since my roommate and her friend both liked him. But they let him know I didn't like him like that and we've stayed good friends. He's actually the only person I really hang out with now. Our group began deteriorating after my roommates friend broke up with a boy in our group. We lost him. Then my roommate and her friend, call her H, stopped including me all of sudden, possibly because I had started spending a lot of time with the guy and because I didn't go to an event my roommate's friend was putting together. I didn't go because I knew I'd be uncomfortable. Ever since then it's up and down with my roommate and I'm pretty much ignored by H. I can't do the confrontation thing to ask her about it because I would just start shaking and we were never that close anyways. The entire thing has just left me feeling sad. My guy friend is also friends with H so that complicates things further. I feel like H is just better than me in every single way. She's outgoing, crazy smart, fun, silly, and beautiful. She's everything that I'm not. I just can't compete. The anxiety that I get when she's around is insurmountable. I don't know what to do. She used to be so sweet to me, but now I don't know. On top of all of this, my dad had eye surgery a couple days ago, my brother's birthday was this week and no one was there to be with him (he's 22 now and most likely has schizophrenia or is bipolar), my guy friend might have to transfer to another college next year which means I won't have my only real friend around. Next month our whole group plus a few other people are going to a competition thing. My roommate picked me to be her "buddy" since H will be in charge and my guy friend says he wants me riding in his car so it seems like I at least have them. H won't really be with us that much. I can't decide if I'm excited or not. I don't want to get my hopes up because I've learned that things here can change from good to bad very quickly.

Gosh. That's not even covering everything and I've already written a lot. Mostly, I just feel really overwhelmed all the time and I get really sad a lot. Last night I couldn't stop thinking about suicide. My long distance girlfriend, yet another issue I don't want to go into, had to talk me down from it. It just seems that all of my problems in life stem from my anxiety. In January I plucked up the courage to tell my mom about my problems and she told me I should go see the campus therapist, but she wants me to go alone which I feel incapable of. Maybe if I wait until summer she will take me somewhere. I just feel like I always have a wall up that keeps me from being fun and outgoing. Plus the shaking is a huge problem. These are things I work on and I tell myself to breathe and just do things, but I can never relax. I don't think that just talking to someone will help me out, but I'm also worried that meds because so many people say that they're bad and they'll be addictive.

 

[SilentBird]

It does sound like you have been through a lot lately. I hear you. I think you have been strong to go through it all and post about it. I too feel that anxiety rules my life and how difficult it can be to relax. I don't really have any advice but I do hope you can find a way to make things better and that you feel less anxious.

(takes deep breath)

 

[Fighter86]

Oh dear I can feel your pain. I am in a similar situation as you except my takes place at work. To make a long story short after close to half a year of being slighted things finally improved and my colleagues were treating me better. Lately though, things have been reversing real fast, I think they are out to get me and I am in danger of losing my job. Don't know what to think anymore ::