Need Advice

mad_mad_woman

mad_mad_woman

Member
Hey Guys,

I recently met this guy online, and we have been chatting for the last few weeks. When I chat with him, I almost forget about my social phobia, I am confident and sometimes even funny. The point is that we really get along. He wants to meet up with me in person and I am so afraid. He is so wonderfully articulate and charasmatic and he thinks that I am the same. I am afraid that when we meet up he will know the real me and realise how stupid I am. Having him reject me will be far worse than not ever meeting him in person. What shall I do
 
XxXnikkiXxX

XxXnikkiXxX

Member
hi

Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 12:56 am Post subject: hiyta

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hi, you say when u speak to him u forget about u social phobia?
social phobia is yout demon, if u choose to let it become u it will, obv ur so into the convo, u forget about it, when u forget, the real u comes out, you are the charasmatic person, funny. the social phobia is a habbit you've picked up, something to avoid maybe a bad situation if it occurs.
the point im trying to make (im a psychology student btw) is that when u imagin meeting the person, ur painting a negative picture, which then makes your social phobia flare up! its all habbit. remember, your a person, not a disorder, people arent as cold as that either, if u are abit shy, its ok!!! ull be normal! i think people who are over confident are scary if anything, he will probs be shy an all! so just go with the flow, dont try and predict the situation, dont try and see everything happening step by step, 9/10 ur wrong! lifes random init, also, if u go into anything negative, u sped it around, if u go optimistic, and make everything around u optamistic. hope this helped!!! xxxxxxx
 
corrinaelizabeth

corrinaelizabeth

Well-known member
no ur not stupid or boring,its obvious....hes the 1 with a problem,what happened?did u meet up with him?or did he just suddenly stop talking to u?there may be a perfectly reasonable explanation,have u heard ne thing at all off him?
 
random

random

Well-known member
Mad_Mad_Mad_Woman.
He sounds rude. He just suddenly stopped talking to you without regard for your feelings? He could have said something to you to let you know that he wouldn’t be communicating further; yes I know that it is difficult to do but it is the responsibility we all have.

I believe his rude, uncaring behavior is something he probably ‘shares’ with whomever he’s around, eventually. Once you get to know him. I don’t believe that his rude behavior is related in anyway to your intelligence and worth. The thoughtless decisions he makes reflect badly on him.

I have had many occasions where I have said something similar to what I think you are saying. I’ve said “he got to know me and I repulsed him” and my most used phrase is “I am ok until people really get to know me – then they realize what I am and leave”. I am trying to stop doing that because I feel like with all the baggage (issues) I have, rude uncaring people ought to be carrying their own baggage; I am not volunteering to carry theirs anymore. Oh I say that bravely enough but it is a hard habit to break; it takes time.

I spent about an hour on the phone with a friend last night, she was crying and literally saying word for word what you said above. I seriously don’t recall even a syllable difference in what she said and what you said. I told my dear friend that after knowing her for 14 years, I know for a fact that she is not now, nor never has been, in anyway stupid, boring, unlovable etc. I pointed out that her brothers, whom she adores, admire her, love her, respect her and love to spend time with her. I asked her if she thought her brothers were stupid or clueless. Horrified she said no. I said she has always told me that they were good, honest, caring men and they love her. I said they see her worth. I asked her why she would value the opinion of a creep (the man who is hurting her) over the opinion of those who have known her all their loves and treasure her.

She eventually stopped crying but was exhausted from worrying about ‘when will he call me again’ and needed some sleep. But as I hung up, I knew it was only a temporary calm. Her heart has been saying the same negative things about her (and so have the people who haven’t treated her well) so much longer than I have been telling her good things about her self. She needs to know her own worth, just as I do. In counseling, I actually tend to get angry when the counselor tries to tell me I am good, intelligent, worthwhile because …oh I don’t know…it hurts? I am wishing it were true but can’t feel it? Not sure – maybe it’s “oh yeah, well then please explain to me why my life is like this?”

The counseling is helping to the point where I have at least a stated goal of making people take responsibility for their actions and deciding to only take responsibility for mine. It’s a start.

My counselor suggested that I buy or make 3x5 inch cards that have positive statements and look at them everyday. She uses them herself. I was so against that – like yeah – a piece of paper will make me feel all better – suddenly I’ll be ‘worth it’? But….on those few times I have kept up on it—it helps! During times of extreme anxiety I check the cards. One of them is “I was born into this world with worth. No one can ever take that away from me, though many have tried.” I got that out of book I was reading. I write my own and I have cards for different reasons. They do sell them but I couldn’t find a set of cards that suited me – they didn’t sound ‘true’ to me. My main problem is that I forget to do read them as soon as things calm down – when in fact I need regular practice with them as it takes time to start sinking in.

My sweet friend made her own little card about 6 months ago and taped it to her computer monitor at work right at eye level; it is an affirmation that she contributes through her strengths and talents. She reads it whenever our workplace makes us feel worthless (often) and she says it strengthens her. I think she rocks (its soooo hard to pull yourself up) I want her to make more for herself.

I used to tell myself that it doesn’t matter what I think about myself (low esteem) but now I believe with absolute certainty that self esteem is the most effective creep repellent on earth. Hurtful people flee when they self esteem in others. And so I am really working on getting some. It takes regular practice. I think a little self esteem has shown up already. I wish you knew how valuable you are, I wish we all knew our worth. And we can – but it takes practice.
 
Thelema

Thelema

Well-known member
I feel your pain mad_mad_woman. Remember that you aren't alone and that you will get over this.
 
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