My viscious cycle of doom...freestyle association rant....

Whoopdeedoo

Well-known member
Is it me?
Do meds really work?
Theyre good for making a drone out of you.
And sometimes thats nice... It helps you to cope when
Theres something actually something going on in life and you have a routine
But Im unemployable right now so theres little structure or routine outside
Homemaking tasks
So when somethings going on in my life its commonly
Bad sh*t
Destructive, sad, or anger involking....

So then I retreat... Shut down.....tune out....regroup
Avoid stimulation that can lead to conflict or contreversy.
In some respects the avoidant spot is you simply one regrouping
Right. But not the case with me...
When i shut down
Dont get me wrong I do enjoy the shut down
its part of my pattern
I listen to music, sing, catch up on good series shows.
Catch some good flicks
I ll pamper myself with @ home spa treatments like
hair dyes/conditioners facials, dreaded visits
To the nail salon to be touched and pampered
and i want to enjoy it
But i find pampering uncomfortable....anyway im going off
I ll light candles and incents , garden and cook,
Sip wine & smoke ...it all good
I ll even walk the dog ,on occassion ,in the woods or the beach...
And ride my bike, do yoga...
i really push myself hard and try
Ill try to eat better, drink water, take vitamins
The whole nine
But god i just want out of this slump for good and now
Im tired of dragging myself around and trying so hard
Even things I like are like work for me to do now
Im so spoiled or depressed or both
Homemaker life is good.
But
Not for long because; its not enough
I always i hit a wall
I need positive human interaction I cant find.
and my duties around the house
and self pampering, pasttimes and hobbies
Are like just not enough !!!!!!
I need love and im like really
Is this what i get?
Is this all i deserve?
Why do I have to be alone to be comfortable really?
Why isnt there somebody by now that I can trust to share this journey with.
To happiliy participate in lifes ups and downs with..
Than i miss my ex
Than i do self destructive things cause im imploding being without him
But refuse to accept his numerous advances back into my life
As the other woman.
Ugh
It sucks

Im off the meds
Theyre not working
Pills cant fix this
I need a perspective shift that lasts
Everytime i think im ready to move on with my life and put the past in the past
I get stuck
Because for things to be or get better or
different requires me to change and leave my house
Neither of which thing I like or do well with at the moment
I get so anxious and confused out there
It can help to have a buddy join me but than I feellike a nuissance to people and like Im going to owe them a favor or something
Wish i could just hire a one to one to accompany me in the outside world and prompt me to get my stuff done
I often need a cheerleader just to do daily activities like cooking, showering , cleaning, paying bills
Blah blah blah!
Is anybody feeling this?
Do you feel stuck?
Even when youre trying?
 
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