My therapist has given up on me

[Izzie]

I'm a mess I get times were I think differently I have such strong urges to hurt my self and feel suicidal. I go in a circle of feeling 'better' then it comes to this. I have a voice telling me horrible things and to hurt myself.
I e-mailed my therapist today. I needed help I felt desperate. When I'm like this sessions are near pointless because I have avpd I am not good at opening up and so when I'm like this I pretty much don't talk at all. I felt desperate and conveyed this by saying what he was doing wasn't helping me right now. What I meant not this instant when I'd called in sick to work after a failed attempt to break my foot or fall diwn the stairs I had to invent a stomach virus as I could not face work said I was thinking about everyone talking about me I said I don't know what to do.
His reply was that it always come to me making him feel he is not good enough that no matter how compassionate he is I do this. He finished saying he could do nothing else and sorry he could not help me. I almost killed myself this morning and now he is giving up on me? It's what I've been waiting for - him to get fed up of me and he knows that. I can't believe this is happening. I will never trust another therapist

 

[NamiraWilhelm]

Sorry you're enduring this

Maybe he feels like you're not doing anything/enough to help yourself? Are you? He's there to offer guidance only, it's only you that can get you through it.

Maybe it's some kind of tough love approach?

 

[Izzie]

I hope it is a tough love kind of thing. I cried so much - I've not cried in a long time so at least he's got me feeling something! I told him I don't trust him though :sad:. I've been seeing him for a year. But my thing is with trust. I just needed help today and I know I have to help myself but it's not always that easy things have piled up recently and today I caved.
I sent an email back - not so nice. I then sent another saying I didn't want to leave it like that and thanked him for everything and said his efforts meant more than he knew.
I feel devasted and angry though. I know he's only human and I'm difficult but he knows my problems and this only makes them worse.

 

[Sacrament]

Is it your therapist that's not helping, or is it your reactions to what he tries to do to help you that are not making therapy work? I mean, if you tell him he's not helping, then what can he do?

 

[IntheLabyrinth]

I'm sorry you are going through so much. Have you had other therapists? Maybe his/her approach was just not the right one for you. I know doing the "homework" they give is not easy because I had nearly the same experience. My therapist kept giving me a homework assignment to go to Barnes and Nobles, and to just say hi to 5 people, but after failing to do it for a couple of months she recommended cutting back to seeing her two times a month. I had seen her for 3 years. Rather than her telling me she can't help me, I just stopped going because I couldn't face her again knowing that I failed on a seemingly easy task.

 

[NamiraWilhelm]

You went to him to seek comfort.... but you don't trust him, and you don't feel he's helping... what did you want from him exactly? You must have known he couldn't console you in the way you want? He seemed to know that.

His response wasn't entirely professional, it comes across as somewhat vulnerable. Like he truly cares for your well-being but is at the end of his tether... and kind of questioning his own abilities as a therapist! Bless him.

What else have you sought out? Self help? Have you looked into self-compassion at all? If therapy isn't working it's time to try something else, or something else as well as therapy. He can help guide you through that, and will be pleased and more responsive you're taking action.

 

[Izzie]

It is me stopping it from working. I know what I am doing and I know what I need to do but I can't do it and I don't understand why. I haven't done self help. I find it hard anyone wanting to help me let alone myself.
It is only reasonable what he said because there is nothing more he can do without me helping. I do feel really bad for him.
The thing is in my confusion and maybe his understanding of what I wrote it got mixed up. He has helped loads. Only 2 weeks back it was going great and I really felt I could do it but then as it always does this feeling comes over me and I can't fight it. It is worse than ever before. I told him I didn't feel I could cope that all I could think about was hurting myself and he just replied saying that I am making progress and my actions don't necessarily convey that (referring to something I told him I did) and I just had to trust him. I understand what he was saying but in that instant, just right now, that doesn't help. I didn't mean he has never helped. I don't know what I wanted from him. I am really scared I'll hurt myself and I just thought as my therapist he should say more than that? Definitely more than giving up. Who else do you turn to? I've never told anyone in the real world the thoughts I get expect for my psychiatrist but he only knows bits and an appointment with him is 6-8 weeks waiting.
I want to write try and explain this but as well as feeling sorry I feel angry with him too. I wish he would talk to me. I wish I could sort myself out and go back and do this all so much better.
I went to my psychiatrist this morning to see about talking to him and I guess I look pretty much how I feel as after saying I have to wait she booked me in for this afternoon. I really dislike him though, I never felt he really listened and some responses where more unhelpful than helpful.

 

[PugofCrydee]

You can only truly help someone that helps themselves.

I understand your frustrations. It might help you understand your therapists position if you put yourself in his shoes. Maybe he truly considers helping you beyond his skill?

But that doesn't mean all therapists cannot help you.
I was seeing one therapist and only became worse, then was lucky enough to find my current therapist.
Don't give up.
Forever is a long time to be dead.

 

[Izzie]

I'm an idiot. I'm calming down re reading what I wrote and what he wrote. I feel bad and I feel dumb because I know I am making things hard on myself. I'm stopping him from helping me and pushing him away the same as I do with others.

I decided to stop blaming my therapist and look at myself instead and I wrote him a message telling him so and how I know I really do trust him despite what I said.

I'm hoping I can learn from this and change. I have to hope now he really hasn't had enough of me.

 

[Izzie]

And thanks for the replies. All your comments/questions made it easier for me to stop and re think this.