My story

itay

Active member
Hi everyone, this is my first post so pls be patient with me.
I'd like to introduce my self, telling my current situation.
I'm nearly 30 years old, and I'm basically wasting my life
and certainly throwing away my youth.
I don't have friends, I've never had a girlfriend, actually
I've never dated at all or even thought of approaching a girl,
you can certainly guess that I'm still a virgin (yes, imagine
that, i'm nearly 30 years old!).
Basically i suffer from social phobia, i'got serius issues
mixing with people, this in the years has influenced negatively
first my education and in turn my career.
I've studied computer sciences, i now work in
fetid company as a system admin. We are in two peole in my dept.
serving more or less 100 users and 4 branches in several nations.
I manage all the company's infrastructure, i'm alone in in this role,
so i have to be a sysadmin and a network admin in the same time.
It's my responsibility to solve the issues and cope with the deals
of the users. But for the company my role consists of first
level support for the users and secretarial work for the it manager.
I spend most of the time assisting the it manager, doing the work
for him, like filling in papers and managing the supplies,
for the company i'm just his secretary and the one to call when
one can't manage to use a computer o when a printer stops working
or somebody can't use the projector,
although funny enought when the major issues are present i'm the one
who has to solve them since the it managers passes them to me.
I basically manage the dept. on my one but i'm not the manager
so my salary is very low, it hasen't gone up although it's 4 years
i'm here. I've tried to find another job, but where i live you
have to know the right people to find one, it is virtually impossible
to get in just sending cvs. There would be even possibilities in my
sector where a live to do a travel job, i always wanted to do so
because i love to go around (infact the only positive thing of me actul
job is that in the pas i've travelled to the branches of my company)
there'e even a certain turn-over in these positions because many
peolpe don't like to travel, but yet again you have to be introduced
by somebody who already works there.
It's kinda difficult, because in IT you need experience to be able
to find another position, experience you you achieve only working,
so your first job has to be a one where you can make this experience,
and if you don't know the right people you can forget it.
This is the situation where a live.
I actually even fought of changing sector, i studied several languages
in high school and i know that where i live foreign languages are
usual but it has been a long time a went to school so i actually i'm not
so fluent anymore.
I'd like to try to go abroad to find a job but although
i've got 4 years of work, doing low level technicol stuff, i don't
have the right experience.
It doesen't help that people in general threat me like sh*t because
i appear like a looser, this has beens a serius issue in my life,
at school, university, other jobs i did, it always been the same thing.
I try my best to socialize but people where a live see me like a looser
because my anxiety is so high and peole can notice it, and the more
a try the more they pick on me for it.
My phobia is so bad that i've got problems in my daily life, i can't face
for example to go to a gym even if i really would like to, the fact is that
for my experience people there will pick on me for my anxiety and this
makes me simply not to go there.
I go to a psicotherapist for my social phobia, but it seems only a waste
of money (a lot to be onest) because i don't see improvements.
I'm aware that my situation could not be so bad if i could have friends
or a girlfriend to go around with and spend my free time with, helping me
facing things and give me the strength to then
make things on my one, give me the practice to improve my social skills,
but i just don't no where to find them and like i sed the more i try
the more thigs become awkward, and it doesen't certenly help the fact
that people pick on me for this.
My luck of motivation is so bad that it caused serious issue in my past and is
in my daily life.
I didn't manage to finish university because the lack of a social life
and the difficulties in studying didn't geve my the motivation to continue,
i was really suffering just beeing aware alone of my poor social skills and
the continuous picking of the other guys that all had friends and girlfriends
treating me yet again as a
finished me off, leading me to a serius depression state. It didn't really help the fact
that in that period my family had serious economic problems.
I'm throwing away my youth, my career sucks, my life sucks.
I'd like to change company, i'd like to find friends, i'd like to have a girlfriend.
I'm aware that even if someday i could accomplish one of these goals,
the youth i've lost will never come back.
I live in constantly fear due to my phobia and in constantly unhappiness,
i can't manage to achieve nothing, i think it doesen't really make sense to live like this.
Actually like i sed i don't have frieds or a girlfriend, i pass my evenings
drinking alchool (the positve thing if you can call it like that is that
i now have a cultere of wine, whisky, brandy etc) and watching television,
sometimes i go to see my parents just to have somebody to talk to,
i pass weekends staying alone or driving away without any destination.
Imagine that i'm afraid of even go to a agency and book a vacation, vacation
that i however would spend alone, not beang able to face clubs, restaurants ecc.
It's sad because i even dream that one day i'll have a girlfriend to go on holiday
with, going to the beach ultil i have the body.
My 20ies are gone by now, this should be the period when you achieve education,
make friends, make love experiences until you've got the age.
Many people think these are the best years of your life and i simply thew them away.
I'm nearly 30, i'm at maybe 1/3 of my life, i don't see really a way out
of my situation, the thought that i'll spend the rest of my like as a looser,
makes my seriously consider suicide as an option.
 

arsenalwa

Well-known member
I know this doesn't help but this seems like it'll be pretty much my story when i be 30. I'm 19 right now. And apart from some other problems that makes my life even worse, we pretty much are facing the same shit...
 

itay

Active member
Hi arsenalwa,
thanks for the feedback.
I'm not certainly the best person entitled to give advice, but try hard to improve your life since you are still young and most important thing use your youth ultill you've got it.
 

Krista

Well-known member
Hi there :)

As much as you never feel like people don't understand, every single person on here feels the same way. Some of them are even older than you are. Although you sound a bit like you've already resigned your fate you should remember that being 30 isn't old at all. You're still fairly young and have quite some more time ahead of you. I'm only 19 and I can't even leave my house sometimes, I have no job, boyfriend or even my license because I'm to afraid to get it. Lack of motivation is a big problem for me too, for a lot of people.

But you sound like you just need someone to talk to and a bit of guidance as well as the rest of us. This is the perfect place for that. Never give up because if you feel like that than you're pretty much done for. You have a lot to give I'm sure of it, you just have to start making yourself believe it.

Isn't it funny how it's easy to lift someone elses spirits with your advice but you can never seem to take it yourself?
 
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itay

Active member
Hi there :)

As much as you never feel like people don't understand, every single person on here feels the same way. Some of them are even older than you are. Although you sound a bit like you've already resigned your fate you should remember that being 30 isn't old at all. You're still fairly young and have quite some more time ahead of you. I'm only 19 and I can't even leave my house sometimes, I have no job, boyfriend or even my license because I'm to afraid to get it. Lack of motivation is a big problem for me too, for a lot of people.

But you sound like you just need someone to talk to and a bit of guidance as well as the rest of us. This is the perfect place for that. Never give up because if you feel like that than you're pretty much done for. You have a lot to give I'm sure of it, you just have to start making yourself believe it.

Isn't it funny how it's easy to lift someone elses spirits with your advice but you can never seem to take it yourself?


Thank you indeed for your kind reply, it his very appreciated.
The thing that really makes my frustrated is that i didn't manage to do the things i would really wanted to do, and now i'm paying for it.
The worst thing of all is that i did many errors knowing to do them because my anxity and lack of motivation were so high.
Infact i feel that having friends or people to talk too would be my "cure" i really think this, that would even be a major source of motivation for me, the sad thing is that i just can't manage and i don't even know where to find them, it doesen't help the fact that i can't face places like gyms, clubs, sports, language classes (that i would very much like to attend for the reasons i mentioned) ecc. In the past i always tried hard in school to make friends, but it never turned out, i was always picked on for my anxiety.
I don't really feel old, just i'am aware of the fact that i've wasted my youth.
Like you sed i've got "some more time ahead of me", i'm just hoping that this time won't be like the one spent so far.
I'd like to have friends so bad, i always did, where i live peolple are so aggressive, i can't even try to mke friends where a work because basically i'm alone in my office ad all the collegues are like enemies, when i first started here i tried my best but it never worked out, on the contrary it made me appear like an easygoing person and this turn againts me because people thought they could ask my what they wanted.
Actually i don't really feel like a dude, people make me, although i'm aware i didn't manage to accomplish many things so this makes me a looser. People just don't respect me, this is one of my major issues.
If only i could have a possibility to meet somebody that doesen't pick on my like i had when my company sent me abroad for 2 weeks to set up the new office, i made friends with a person there that invited me to his house and where i even manage to go to a club with some friends of his, for the first time i felt like a "normal" person.
 
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