My Story

Orlando

Well-known member
#1
I have always been a loner since I was young. I did not feel anxious around people until the 4th grade. At that time, I felt different from the other kids. I remember wanting to die and thinking over and over I hate myself. I would say, "I hate myself" a thousand times a day (approximately). During that time, I also picked up a habit of looking straight at the ground. When I talked to people, I would not look at them. I would talk to their feet. Lets just say it looked pretty weird. People want to be talked to face to face, not face to foot.
7th grade to sophmore year in high school, I was pick on by various bullies from both sexes. I was not liked in the school. (I'm not sure, but I think the janitor even hated me for some unknown reason :lol: ) I left my high school because I did not feel comfortable in my school. I spent my lunchtime in the bathrooms or in the hallways (I tried to avoid everyone).
I enrolled in a high school seminary (for young adults who wanted to become a priest). I left my home and lived in Princeton, NJ for 2 years. They were very painful each day I hated myself more and more. I was still shy but I made friends with my classmates I graduated with. (I gradated fifth in my class, out of five.)
I was accepted into the minor seminary at St. John's University. After the first year, my superiors felt that I was too shy and I should leave the seminary. I never went back.
During my college experience, I made only one friend. The each day going to school I would have multiple panic attacks. It was a miricle that I graduated.
I entered the master's program at St. John's. I had my first breakdown (and only!). The anxiety levels were more I could handle. I was actively planning my own suicide. (I had a nervous tic. I would have a innate need to yell,"I hate myself. I wish I was dead." However, instead of saying the whole sentence, I could stop myself at the first syllable. So other people would only her "HIIII!" and I would say that syllable over and over. It was really embarrassing. I felt I lost control over my body.) I was admitted into the hospital for one week of observation.
I graduated. And I worked at an insurance company for 2 years before I came back to live with my parents.
Currently, I am enrolled at Georgian Court University for my second masters. I am thankful that my family has supported me through all these years, even though they don't really understand how I feel or what SP is.
I have been seeing the same therapist for approximately 10 years. I take 30mg of Prozac each day. Looking back, I feel better than I was before. I don't have tics (or fleas :wink: ) and I haven't been down on myself. I make friends more easily but I still feel nervous. I come a long way but there is more to go! :D
Has anyone else felt the same way?
Has anyone experienced what I experienced?
 

Jess333

Well-known member
#2
Orlando, I used to look right in the mirror, stare myself right in my eyes and say "I hate you, you're so stupid and worthless". among other things.

So yes..I can relate.

I had friends growing up and i guess you could say my anxiety was somewhat low, but i was shy , yet had a pretty intense spirit so it was weird. I had this bright and powerful spirit, but my self-esteem kept me inhibited and shy and nervous.

but now? it's all different. I wouldn't dare to say those things to myself again. It's not normal or healthy to talk to yourself like that. would you say that to a friend? If a friend made a mistake, big or small, would you call him a stupid idiot and say you hated him? I should hope not.

I was riddled with anxiety before. ANd I mean riddled with it. I felt a prisoner of my own brain. I felt as a victim and controlled by my fear. Now? I feel I"m in control. I realize that I CAN control my thoughts.

It got so bad that I quit job after job. I remember at this one job I worked with this asshole, that saw me get nervous many times and he looked at me with this smile and said "Im so glad I'm comfortable with myself, i'm glad my self-esteem is okay".

i got to this point where I couldn't take it anymore, i was drinking beer everynight, drinking it during the day..smoking a lot of pot..just to feel better. I considered suicide as my only way out..just to make it STOP. but at the same time, i didn't want to die. Something kept me going..what that is exactly, who knows?

and thank the heavens I didn't kill myself. i decided a change somehow had to take place..so i sat...and pondered a lot..analyzing my life and my situation..and WHY i felt the way I felt. and I realized that i had low self-esteem and i always thought negatively. and that is where my life turned around.

I thought iw as doomed for life. I thought i was a victim. I wasn't!!! I just THOUGHT i was. Now? after learning how to think positively, i see my life so different..i see things differently. I realize that i'm only a victim if i allow myself to be.

so i started reading a whole bunch of reads on SA and depression and start to realize what i needed to do to "cure" myself. And it's WORKING. I don't want to kill myself anymore..i'm starting to be able to look people in the eye when i talk to them..and THEY ARE RESPONDING TO ME!! before, i would give off this nervous energy and people would soon want to leave the conversation..now they sit and laugh with me..and i feel intimacy with people that i never felt before. i have more PATIENCE, i dont' get frustrated as much..i finally feel at peace.

so my "cure" is repairing my self-esteem..learning to love and accept myself..feeling comfortable being who i am..accepting my past and learning to think positively about everything

i've stopped taking meds and am now doing this on my own and i'm working on all this right now in my life..as a day to day process.

stop hating yourself. start loving who you are..start only focusing on the qualities you like about yourself.
 

MarCPatt

Well-known member
#3
Jess ir right on the dot.

Yes, this is what we all need to do. Stop putting ourselves down and start loving and accepting ourselves the way we are.
 

Orlando

Well-known member
#4
Jess333 and MarCPatt,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am thankful that I have people who understand me. Thank you! :lol: :D :eek: 8O :eek:
 

neddy

Well-known member
#5
8) Hi Orlando,

I still have a similar problem to you, I always walk around looking at the ground, When I and my parents used to live in Alice Springs I was forever doing this and actually walked passed my mum a couple of times without meaning too and she would stand there and joke around saying I was a snob because I never spoke to her but I never saw her. Usually if I am down the street and I see someone I know I have been known to cross the street and pretend that I never saw them.

For some reason I have no problem at all looking strangers in the eye (probably because they don't know me) but have alot of trouble doing it to people that I do know.

I used to always say I hate myself and wish I was dead, used to say it several times a day and then break down, guess that was when my depression was at its worst. Even thought of several ways to end it all, had 3 plans but like Jessica said there was always something that stopped me, to this day I don't know what, all I know is the suicide no matter how bad you feel is never the answer. I actually sat there and thought to myself what is so wrong with me that I always feel like this, why can't I be happy like everyone else, and make friends, you name it . Felt like a big loser and had no desire to go on anymore. I don't know why what a little voice inside me told me to stop feeling so sorry for myself and to do something about it. I had found the answer to why I was feeling the way I was and the only way to fix it was too sort it out. I have got a long way to go but I will get there.

My brother also joined a seminary as he wanted to become a priest, left in his 3rd year only had 1 more to go, he was very disillusioned, the first couple of years he loved it, was able to help out in services (he was located in a small parish for training) but the priest had a heart attack and could no longer help my brother so he was sent to another parish in Canberra which was alot bigger and had alot more priests, he went from having hands on experience to sitting back and watching, basically doing nothing, told the head priest this is not why I want to become a priest, I want to do more but they wouldn't let him so he left, He is now working at St Vincents hospital in Sydney, started off as a chaplain and has done really well for himself. I have also come across shy priests, one had not long been ordained and his first sermon was very short less than five minutes but after awhile he kept getting better at it. Its a shame you wernt given that chance as well.

We just need to take small steps, one day at a time and make the most of the time we have
 

Orlando

Well-known member
#7
Neddy,

I don't think that there is anything more painful than hating yourself. That is because if you have a mean person who is obnoxious to you, you can say, "I hate him/her. He/She is stupid!" Or if you are sick, you can say, "I hate this stupid cold!" But if you hate yourself, the only person you can be angry at is yourself...and usually, I would hate myself because I hated myself. Very bad cycle. Very unhealthy!

I also used to pretend I didn't see people. There was this one time when I did it to a friendly girl. She and I were volunteers at a hospital. She would always approach me first and start talking. I used to sit by myself and stay quiet. I remember that I thought she was one of the "popular crowd". I remember thinking that "I don't want to talk to her because if she knew me then she would probably hate me!" So that is what I did. I avoided her in the hallways. I wouldn't look at her when she asked me questions. One day, she just stopped talking to me and became sad everytime I walk in the door. I definately hurt her feelings. I am sorry about that. It was not intentional. At the time, that was the only way I felt I could protect myself. I thought that if I could isolate myself from everyone (that could make fun of me) then I wouldn't feel anxious. Oh, boy were those tough days.

I am happy to hear that your brother is a priest. Good for him. It is hard work!
KIT :lol: :!:
 

Jess333

Well-known member
#8
Exactly Orlando. I did the same thing, and i still do to lesser degrees. If i'm feeling anxious at all, i usually will not be social, i won't even make eye contact with anyone, i will just try to isolate myself. Now, if i'm feeling that way, anxious, it's a red flag that my thoughts are negative, either i'm doubting my abilities, and/or thinking negative thoughts, so i stop my thought processes and kind of re-boot my head. eheheh and start all over thinking "there's no reason for me to be feeling like this, everything is great in my life, i've come so far, be yourself, calm down, you can do this, everybody else here is feeling calm and having fun, i can do it too.

and usually after coaching myself after a few minutes, i start to calm down and focus on having fun and being social. my mood lifts..i feel calm..and i have fun and feel happy.

see, i ddn't think that was possible before. now i know in the back of my mind that i can ALWAYS feel that way, it just how i choose my thoughts.

i still need to work on my self esteem though. then i will get even better.

right now i'm working mostly on thinking positive and a little bit with my self-esteem, my next step is to repair my self esteem and work on that everyday..

Jess
 
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