Orlando
Well-known member
I have always been a loner since I was young. I did not feel anxious around people until the 4th grade. At that time, I felt different from the other kids. I remember wanting to die and thinking over and over I hate myself. I would say, "I hate myself" a thousand times a day (approximately). During that time, I also picked up a habit of looking straight at the ground. When I talked to people, I would not look at them. I would talk to their feet. Lets just say it looked pretty weird. People want to be talked to face to face, not face to foot.
7th grade to sophmore year in high school, I was pick on by various bullies from both sexes. I was not liked in the school. (I'm not sure, but I think the janitor even hated me for some unknown reason :lol: ) I left my high school because I did not feel comfortable in my school. I spent my lunchtime in the bathrooms or in the hallways (I tried to avoid everyone).
I enrolled in a high school seminary (for young adults who wanted to become a priest). I left my home and lived in Princeton, NJ for 2 years. They were very painful each day I hated myself more and more. I was still shy but I made friends with my classmates I graduated with. (I gradated fifth in my class, out of five.)
I was accepted into the minor seminary at St. John's University. After the first year, my superiors felt that I was too shy and I should leave the seminary. I never went back.
During my college experience, I made only one friend. The each day going to school I would have multiple panic attacks. It was a miricle that I graduated.
I entered the master's program at St. John's. I had my first breakdown (and only!). The anxiety levels were more I could handle. I was actively planning my own suicide. (I had a nervous tic. I would have a innate need to yell,"I hate myself. I wish I was dead." However, instead of saying the whole sentence, I could stop myself at the first syllable. So other people would only her "HIIII!" and I would say that syllable over and over. It was really embarrassing. I felt I lost control over my body.) I was admitted into the hospital for one week of observation.
I graduated. And I worked at an insurance company for 2 years before I came back to live with my parents.
Currently, I am enrolled at Georgian Court University for my second masters. I am thankful that my family has supported me through all these years, even though they don't really understand how I feel or what SP is.
I have been seeing the same therapist for approximately 10 years. I take 30mg of Prozac each day. Looking back, I feel better than I was before. I don't have tics (or fleas :wink: ) and I haven't been down on myself. I make friends more easily but I still feel nervous. I come a long way but there is more to go!
Has anyone else felt the same way?
Has anyone experienced what I experienced?
7th grade to sophmore year in high school, I was pick on by various bullies from both sexes. I was not liked in the school. (I'm not sure, but I think the janitor even hated me for some unknown reason :lol: ) I left my high school because I did not feel comfortable in my school. I spent my lunchtime in the bathrooms or in the hallways (I tried to avoid everyone).
I enrolled in a high school seminary (for young adults who wanted to become a priest). I left my home and lived in Princeton, NJ for 2 years. They were very painful each day I hated myself more and more. I was still shy but I made friends with my classmates I graduated with. (I gradated fifth in my class, out of five.)
I was accepted into the minor seminary at St. John's University. After the first year, my superiors felt that I was too shy and I should leave the seminary. I never went back.
During my college experience, I made only one friend. The each day going to school I would have multiple panic attacks. It was a miricle that I graduated.
I entered the master's program at St. John's. I had my first breakdown (and only!). The anxiety levels were more I could handle. I was actively planning my own suicide. (I had a nervous tic. I would have a innate need to yell,"I hate myself. I wish I was dead." However, instead of saying the whole sentence, I could stop myself at the first syllable. So other people would only her "HIIII!" and I would say that syllable over and over. It was really embarrassing. I felt I lost control over my body.) I was admitted into the hospital for one week of observation.
I graduated. And I worked at an insurance company for 2 years before I came back to live with my parents.
Currently, I am enrolled at Georgian Court University for my second masters. I am thankful that my family has supported me through all these years, even though they don't really understand how I feel or what SP is.
I have been seeing the same therapist for approximately 10 years. I take 30mg of Prozac each day. Looking back, I feel better than I was before. I don't have tics (or fleas :wink: ) and I haven't been down on myself. I make friends more easily but I still feel nervous. I come a long way but there is more to go!
Has anyone else felt the same way?
Has anyone experienced what I experienced?