My story. Need some advice.

[socarp]

Let me tell you a bit of my story. I have never really been diagnosed with social anxiety by a doctor. But i found out this myself when i was around 15 by reading the symptoms on the internet. Ever since then i have hiding this from everyone. I was very quiet and shy as a child. I grew up with a younger sister. And i was the controlling one. Always told her what she was allowed to do and not to do. I was always making sure she followed the orders.

We fought all the time. Also ever since i was a child i did not like people or family looking at me. Even at the dinner table i was putting cornflakes packets in front of me on the table so that no one could see me. My father and grandfather were also quiet persons but always had a lot of friends around. I have always have a few close friends during my life. But in school i was shy and quiet in the class. I was good at sports and i had humor.

I was kind of the joker in the class and a popular kid in school even if i was not the loudest one and kept myself in the backround. The biggest problems social anxiety has kept me away from is advancing in career opportunities and forming intimate relationships with girls. Also getting to know new friends more in close. I have never had any problems with making an initial first good impression. But when i want to know someone more deeper i become insecure. I have always got attention from girls and my friends still wonder how i can be single.

Since they see me as a funny, creative, open minded and positive guy. I have only been out to a few dates. I get a lot of attention from girls in general but i do not like this. Probably that i get stiff and self centered when people are trying to get close to me. This social anxiety later led me into periods of depression mainly because of lack of relationships with girls. Now i am 29 years old and my longest relationship lasted 5 months. I have imploded with feelings and cant feel any emotions.

I have issues trusting people and i get paranoid and think people wants to use me. Now i see my friends having all kinds of relationships with girls and i am the one who is staying in the same place. I live in a paradox. I can get what i need for me to feel better but my toughs beliefs are in the way. I have never had any problems to get girls interested. It is just that i cant finish it. Asking out for a date etc. I get too self centered. People think im egoistic and only care about myself. That im arrogant and a bad listener. I get so self centered.

Im very self critical and i have always had a "all or nothing" thinking. About everything. I have the classic symptoms of thinking of what to say weeks before a meeting. Or after i have met new people i always come up with things i should have said. I get blank in my head. Alcohol helps me a bit during the weekends. I am chilled out and able to focus on people and what they say. Not about how i look, what i think etc.

This social anxiety led me to depression and which led me to a kind of narcissistic, depressive social anxiety. All mixed together. I even think i have OCD and ADD symptoms. I have started seeing a psychologist now but so far im not sure if it has helped yet. have not tired any medication.

One safety behaviour i have always used with social anxiety is that when i walk around in public in the streets or in shopping malls or where people can see me i imagine myself being someone famous or someone of higher authority to manage the eye contact or my paranoia that people are staring at me. This is a safety behaviour in my head that always gets turned on. Im not sure if anyone else can relate to my story here.

 

[socarp]

Im going to write a follow up to my first post here. It’s a mixture of both. Depression and Social Anxiety. As I remember I never liked people looking at me. I got angry as a child. I am obsessed with my looks, fore example if my hair looks good etc. Even if I get approved that it does. I also have problem to listen to people while looking them in the eyes during a conversion because this makes me very self centered and I begin to think if my lips are moving strangely or if my face looks too stiff. This makes people think im a bad listener and im egocentric.


I have been a big daydreamer all my life. I live in fantasies where I fantasize about dream scenarios in life, about success, women I never got due to my social anxiety but where I built up a fantasy around on how it could look like. People say I can bee too paranoid sometimes, this is because I don’t trust people and therefore I take steps back when someone is trying to get close to me.


When someone gets interested in me I become very shut down. Im also very self critical. I have a all or nothing thinking. Looking back I think I have had anxiety all my life. I have always thinking of the past and I have for some reasons not being able to live in the present. I suspect I have obsessive thinking since I think about things from my childhood, what people said, or just people or happenings that has no relevance to the present. I have used the internet to build connections with friends and girls.


There I have no problems at all to have conversations, say what I feel . Internet dating has never been a problem for me. It is just that I have not been able to meet up with girls since my fears and symptoms of social anxiety his me. I doubt of myself a lot. Even if people say im good enough, im talented enough. I have this perfectionist thinking and I don’t like criticism.I get very defensive then. I want everything to be right at once. Im not sure if this is a part of social anxiety but I have never taken part of any side when there is an argument or if someone asks for an opinion. Im just neutral and blank in my head.

Then when someone says something or brings up his opinion I think that “wait I could have said that”. I feel that this all life of daydreaming and fantasizing is a symptom of ADD. People have told me im a bad @ not sure if this is a sign of ADD or short attention. I always think my jokes are the funniest and what I say. I have hard time remembering things since im so up in the clouds. I have always been a creative person and producing music has been a big part of life. When I socialize with new people or friends I constantly think of things from the past and I cant be in the moment.


Seems I cant form new toughts at all or have any conversations in the present. I hate taking advice from others, I am very stubborn and sometimes I can get angry if someone points something out to me or suggest me anything. I just tell them that everything is fine as it is and I don’t need that. I have recently opened up for my family more. Told things they did not knew about.

Currently everything has become worse and my obsessive thinking about past, career and women and lost love. I cant recognize myself and I don’t have energy to meet up with friends or anyone. I feel apathic. People have told me that im more quieter than usual or that im so quiet but I just don’t care when they make such remarks.

I don’t feel affected. I cant feel emotions. Maybe it is because I never had a relationship with a women that has made me feel like this. I wake up same time ever night sometimes and I dream a lot. I put down my big hobbies in life slowly, It has been harder to go on with no love. This social anxiety and obsessive thinking is stopping me of be in the present with people. Before a social meeting I feel good and imagine in my head how I will be. When the situation arrives I get blank in my head, forget things I should say. And after the social situation I remember what I have should said or done. Im usaly more open if the other person is taking initiative. Sometimes same thoughts , music gets stuck in my head for weeks. I even tell the same jokes or say the same things. I am very nice to other people, helping them. But when someone asks how I feel I just say that I feel great. And deep inside i feel that it is not what I feel.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I can relate to some of the things you wrote. I also think my jokes are the funniest, I usually tell them to amuse myself, if no one else. LOL. (narcissistic behavior?!). I have trouble looking people in the eyes when they talk. I feel very bored and restless. Then I obsess whether or not I am giving proper eye contact. I'm constantly thinking about the past and how I would improve it if I could. And I'm stubborn and don't like listening to other people's advice unless I have a lot of respect for them or they're someone on a forum like this.