socialanxietydisable
New member
I have not a single friend at school through Middle and High School. I played tennis and that was the only social event I was involved in and the only thing that kept me from being completely isolated. The people on the team realized that I was not mean, upset, or mad at anyone even though I was emotionless and didn't say a word. Whenever they talk to me it'd go well, but that rarely happened because I never started any conversation.
I realized in college that I cannot do this by myself anymore. Since I am a first generation college student and oldest child in the family of immigrant students, plus the fact that I was not prepared for the rigor of college courses, out of everyone in college I'm the type of student that needed a group, a network, anybody to help me up because no one has gone before me. I was too ambitious and took classes that were not right for me. Now, I was not only alone, but I was lost and for the first time in my life my hard work failed to get me good grades in college and I ended with a 2.60 GPA that quarter. Heading into my second quarter, I was on the fringe -- actually thinking about dropping out because I was completely alone and had bad grades. Everyone was having fun and at the same time doing well in academics, while I was working my tail off and not getting any results.
I thought things were getting better during my second quarter in college as I was lucky enough to have a classmate that had two out of my three classes that I could talk to without getting too anxious. The most important thing I realized today is that I approached first. When I did that he quickly realized that I was a nice enough person to come back and talk to. In this situation it was easier because he didn't know my background of being shy and anxious. Onward, it was sometimes awkward because after that I started slipping into that avoidance problem I've had and the only times I'd have nice conversations was if he approached me first. Furthermore, for the the first time in college I was lucky enough to have a nice grad student teacher for a class I needed for my major. I never talk in class or ask anyone for help because I always get anxious, but when I actually was brave enough to go to office hours for help, I realized that the teacher was very approachable and I didn't feel threatened. It was really funny, to me at least, because at first I bet she thought I was upset because I had a emotionless expression and I had brought in my midterm that I scored the average on. I must have look very intimidating because I'm the guy who had the same emotionless (almost upset looking) expression that didn't say a word in class and I could tell by her stiff body language and wide eyes that she was bracing herself for me to complain about my low grades on the midterm. However, after I started talking and after the conversation with her I think it clicked that I wasn't a upset student looking for revenge, but a student willing to improve; continuing to strive for that for a goal. Now thinking about it, it's amazing how her view of me, as a student, changed from where I first got to talk to her. I still didn't talk in class, but when students were going picking up their graded quizzes the teacher came up to me, still a little bit nervous, remembered my name and handed me my quiz. It was nothing, but it was a nice feeling that a teacher knows my name, given that I've been in classes where teacher's didn't even know I was there until the end of the class. I remembered that even though my class rated her pretty badly on the end of quarter evaluation, she realized that I was worth going the extra step to help and I felt that she was nice and not threatening at all to go to Office Hours to help with my end of quarter extra credit project. It was weird because the next time I went to Office Hours she acted like we had been best friends for decades now; wide smile and almost excited to see me. Even though it probably doesn't mean much to anyone else, it meant so much to me that I had a teacher who understood that I was a hard worker and not this stuck-up like a few others before had done and completely ignored me. In the end, I improved from a 3.4 to a 3.7 GPA in that class. My GPA went up from a 2.60 GPA to a 3.23 GPA at the end of the quarter. Even though it was mainly because of two people, it was light-years better than having zero people in college. I felt hope. I felt that I mattered. I felt that people noticed that I was there. I felt that I was college material. I felt that I had others who I can turn to for help. But most importantly I was not alone anymore, so it probably won't surprise you that I was very sad to see the quarter end because I'll be seeing them a lot less and they'll return to their own routine, while I was going back to doing my own thing.
I felt that my first quarter in college turned my world upside down -- I did so poorly, and to have such a great second quarter in college to turn my world right-side up meant so much to me that I sent short thank you notes to my teachers who helped me get there. In particular, the teacher that helped me improve from a 3.4 to a 3.7 in a class I needed for my major:
Teacher's Name,
Thank you for your generous help this quarter. I truly appreciate your willingness to work with my final project as well as your clear and detailed explanations to every single one of my other concerns; In the end it was a direct reason for why I was able to improve and exceed my goal for this class!
Thanks again,
My Name
I felt a little more in control with my direction, however, I would soon had to regret showing appreciation for others because I could not back it up socially and everything ended up being so awkward because of it.
My last quarter in college really messed me up and made me mentally and physically sick to the point where I literally could not move and could not get anything done. I saw my classmate from last quarter once and we only exchange "Hi's" before walking by each other. I have never seen him again. I should said something more. My grad teacher from last quarter taught classes right next to a class I had this quarter and, even though we knew each other, I could not muster up the courage to say a single word. I got so nervous that I completely ignored my former teacher multiple times in the halls. Even though she was talking to other students, I know that she knew that I saw her and I didn't even stop to say "Hi." The last time she slowed down, gave me a emotionless expression and gave me a death stare; I don't know if she was waiting for me to say something or not, but all I did was shift my eyes and she walked away. Was it the thank you note I sent? Did she think I am a bad person? Must have been because I've ignored her so many times ... In an attempt to be less awkward and not bother her (since she's teaching a class) I was awkward and I bothered her, a lot. Sure, there's an excuse for not having a conversation, but there's no excuse to not at least acknowledge a old teacher. In the heat of the moment, I just didn't feel comfortable saying something first. It was like seeing all that hope, comfort and support from last quarter walk away from me. I hope she knows I didn't mean to, but I just can't stop thinking about how stupid I was to not say anything and I probably hurt her feelings, too. I hope they know that I didn't ignore them because I didn't like them, but I'll never know. Even though I improved from a 3.23 GPA to a 3.30 GPA this quarter, I felt empty inside. Grades didn't matter to me anymore because I had no one, again, and I didn't do anything about it. I had multiple opportunities to do something about it, but blew every one. I'd seriously cry myself to sleep some nights because I came from having no one, to having someone and again having no one at all.
Ahh, I don't like bothering people and being awkward and scaring people with my blank stare that makes them think that I'm upset or mad at something when I'm just nervous. So here I am, it's summer, I haven't done anything, and I'm still thinking about what could I have done instead. No matter how hard I try, I can't get it out of my head. What happened? It hurts. It hurts that because I am so tentative around other people it makes other people nervous and in-turn I ignore people and that hurts their feelings, which hurt mine. And I don't know if other people know how difficult it is -- even I don't believe it sometimes. But, when I'm in that situation, my whole mind shuts down and becomes foggy and even though I promise myself to say something to someone, I didn't. It's a never ending circle. It's truly a really dumb thing to think about and I'm sure they moved on maybe after a day or two at most, but I can't move on because I have no one else to turn to. I am completely alone, once again. But the good news is that my experience in college has put me in a psychologist's chair and I've been diagnosed with Social Phobia, a problem that has been building for 16 years.I have not a single friend at school through Middle and High School. I played tennis and that was the only social event I was involved in and the only thing that kept me from being completely isolated. The people on the team realized that I was not mean, upset, or mad at anyone even though I was emotionless and didn't say a word. Whenever they talk to me it'd go well, but that rarely happened because I never started any conversation.
I realized in college that I cannot do this by myself anymore. Since I am a first generation college student and oldest child in the family of immigrant students, plus the fact that I was not prepared for the rigor of college courses, out of everyone in college I'm the type of student that needed a group, a network, anybody to help me up because no one has gone before me. I was too ambitious and took classes that were not right for me. Now, I was not only alone, but I was lost and for the first time in my life my hard work failed to get me good grades in college and I ended with a 2.60 GPA that quarter. Heading into my second quarter, I was on the fringe -- actually thinking about dropping out because I was completely alone and had bad grades. Everyone was having fun and at the same time doing well in academics, while I was working my tail off and not getting any results.
I thought things were getting better during my second quarter in college as I was lucky enough to have a classmate that had two out of my three classes that I could talk to without getting too anxious. The most important thing I realized today is that I approached first. When I did that he quickly realized that I was a nice enough person to come back and talk to. In this situation it was easier because he didn't know my background of being shy and anxious. Onward, it was sometimes awkward because after that I started slipping into that avoidance problem I've had and the only times I'd have nice conversations was if he approached me first. Furthermore, for the the first time in college I was lucky enough to have a nice grad student teacher for a class I needed for my major. I never talk in class or ask anyone for help because I always get anxious, but when I actually was brave enough to go to office hours for help, I realized that the teacher was very approachable and I didn't feel threatened. It was really funny, to me at least, because at first I bet she thought I was upset because I had a emotionless expression and I had brought in my midterm that I scored the average on. I must have look very intimidating because I'm the guy who had the same emotionless (almost upset looking) expression that didn't say a word in class and I could tell by her stiff body language and wide eyes that she was bracing herself for me to complain about my low grades on the midterm. However, after I started talking and after the conversation with her I think it clicked that I wasn't a upset student looking for revenge, but a student willing to improve; continuing to strive for that for a goal. Now thinking about it, it's amazing how her view of me, as a student, changed from where I first got to talk to her. I still didn't talk in class, but when students were going picking up their graded quizzes the teacher came up to me, still a little bit nervous, remembered my name and handed me my quiz. It was nothing, but it was a nice feeling that a teacher knows my name, given that I've been in classes where teacher's didn't even know I was there until the end of the class. I remembered that even though my class rated her pretty badly on the end of quarter evaluation, she realized that I was worth going the extra step to help and I felt that she was nice and not threatening at all to go to Office Hours to help with my end of quarter extra credit project. It was weird because the next time I went to Office Hours she acted like we had been best friends for decades now; wide smile and almost excited to see me. Even though it probably doesn't mean much to anyone else, it meant so much to me that I had a teacher who understood that I was a hard worker and not this stuck-up like a few others before had done and completely ignored me. In the end, I improved from a 3.4 to a 3.7 GPA in that class. My GPA went up from a 2.60 GPA to a 3.23 GPA at the end of the quarter. Even though it was mainly because of two people, it was light-years better than having zero people in college. I felt hope. I felt that I mattered. I felt that people noticed that I was there. I felt that I was college material. I felt that I had others who I can turn to for help. But most importantly I was not alone anymore, so it probably won't surprise you that I was very sad to see the quarter end because I'll be seeing them a lot less and they'll return to their own routine, while I was going back to doing my own thing.
I felt that my first quarter in college turned my world upside down -- I did so poorly, and to have such a great second quarter in college to turn my world right-side up meant so much to me that I sent short thank you notes to my teachers who helped me get there. In particular, the teacher that helped me improve from a 3.4 to a 3.7 in a class I needed for my major:
Teacher's Name,
Thank you for your generous help this quarter. I truly appreciate your willingness to work with my final project as well as your clear and detailed explanations to every single one of my other concerns; In the end it was a direct reason for why I was able to improve and exceed my goal for this class!
Thanks again,
My Name
I felt a little more in control with my direction, however, I would soon had to regret showing appreciation for others because I could not back it up socially and everything ended up being so awkward because of it.
My last quarter in college really messed me up and made me mentally and physically sick to the point where I literally could not move and could not get anything done. I saw my classmate from last quarter once and we only exchange "Hi's" before walking by each other. I have never seen him again. I should said something more. My grad teacher from last quarter taught classes right next to a class I had this quarter and, even though we knew each other, I could not muster up the courage to say a single word. I got so nervous that I completely ignored my former teacher multiple times in the halls. Even though she was talking to other students, I know that she knew that I saw her and I didn't even stop to say "Hi." The last time she slowed down, gave me a emotionless expression and gave me a death stare; I don't know if she was waiting for me to say something or not, but all I did was shift my eyes and she walked away. Was it the thank you note I sent? Did she think I am a bad person? Must have been because I've ignored her so many times ... In an attempt to be less awkward and not bother her (since she's teaching a class) I was awkward and I bothered her, a lot. Sure, there's an excuse for not having a conversation, but there's no excuse to not at least acknowledge a old teacher. In the heat of the moment, I just didn't feel comfortable saying something first. It was like seeing all that hope, comfort and support from last quarter walk away from me. I hope she knows I didn't mean to, but I just can't stop thinking about how stupid I was to not say anything and I probably hurt her feelings, too. I hope they know that I didn't ignore them because I didn't like them, but I'll never know. Even though I improved from a 3.23 GPA to a 3.30 GPA this quarter, I felt empty inside. Grades didn't matter to me anymore because I had no one, again, and I didn't do anything about it. I had multiple opportunities to do something about it, but blew every one. I'd seriously cry myself to sleep some nights because I came from having no one, to having someone and again having no one at all.
Ahh, I don't like bothering people and being awkward and scaring people with my blank stare that makes them think that I'm upset or mad at something when I'm just nervous. So here I am, it's summer, I haven't done anything, and I'm still thinking about what could I have done instead. No matter how hard I try, I can't get it out of my head. What happened? It hurts. It hurts that because I am so tentative around other people it makes other people nervous and in-turn I ignore people and that hurts their feelings, which hurt mine. And I don't know if other people know how difficult it is -- even I don't believe it sometimes. But, when I'm in that situation, my whole mind shuts down and becomes foggy and even though I promise myself to say something to someone, I didn't. It's a never ending circle. It's truly a really dumb thing to think about and I'm sure they moved on maybe after a day or two at most, but I can't move on because I have no one else to turn to. I am completely alone, once again. But the good news is that my experience in college has put me in a psychologist's chair and I've been diagnosed with Social Phobia, a problem that has been building for 16 years.
I realized in college that I cannot do this by myself anymore. Since I am a first generation college student and oldest child in the family of immigrant students, plus the fact that I was not prepared for the rigor of college courses, out of everyone in college I'm the type of student that needed a group, a network, anybody to help me up because no one has gone before me. I was too ambitious and took classes that were not right for me. Now, I was not only alone, but I was lost and for the first time in my life my hard work failed to get me good grades in college and I ended with a 2.60 GPA that quarter. Heading into my second quarter, I was on the fringe -- actually thinking about dropping out because I was completely alone and had bad grades. Everyone was having fun and at the same time doing well in academics, while I was working my tail off and not getting any results.
I thought things were getting better during my second quarter in college as I was lucky enough to have a classmate that had two out of my three classes that I could talk to without getting too anxious. The most important thing I realized today is that I approached first. When I did that he quickly realized that I was a nice enough person to come back and talk to. In this situation it was easier because he didn't know my background of being shy and anxious. Onward, it was sometimes awkward because after that I started slipping into that avoidance problem I've had and the only times I'd have nice conversations was if he approached me first. Furthermore, for the the first time in college I was lucky enough to have a nice grad student teacher for a class I needed for my major. I never talk in class or ask anyone for help because I always get anxious, but when I actually was brave enough to go to office hours for help, I realized that the teacher was very approachable and I didn't feel threatened. It was really funny, to me at least, because at first I bet she thought I was upset because I had a emotionless expression and I had brought in my midterm that I scored the average on. I must have look very intimidating because I'm the guy who had the same emotionless (almost upset looking) expression that didn't say a word in class and I could tell by her stiff body language and wide eyes that she was bracing herself for me to complain about my low grades on the midterm. However, after I started talking and after the conversation with her I think it clicked that I wasn't a upset student looking for revenge, but a student willing to improve; continuing to strive for that for a goal. Now thinking about it, it's amazing how her view of me, as a student, changed from where I first got to talk to her. I still didn't talk in class, but when students were going picking up their graded quizzes the teacher came up to me, still a little bit nervous, remembered my name and handed me my quiz. It was nothing, but it was a nice feeling that a teacher knows my name, given that I've been in classes where teacher's didn't even know I was there until the end of the class. I remembered that even though my class rated her pretty badly on the end of quarter evaluation, she realized that I was worth going the extra step to help and I felt that she was nice and not threatening at all to go to Office Hours to help with my end of quarter extra credit project. It was weird because the next time I went to Office Hours she acted like we had been best friends for decades now; wide smile and almost excited to see me. Even though it probably doesn't mean much to anyone else, it meant so much to me that I had a teacher who understood that I was a hard worker and not this stuck-up like a few others before had done and completely ignored me. In the end, I improved from a 3.4 to a 3.7 GPA in that class. My GPA went up from a 2.60 GPA to a 3.23 GPA at the end of the quarter. Even though it was mainly because of two people, it was light-years better than having zero people in college. I felt hope. I felt that I mattered. I felt that people noticed that I was there. I felt that I was college material. I felt that I had others who I can turn to for help. But most importantly I was not alone anymore, so it probably won't surprise you that I was very sad to see the quarter end because I'll be seeing them a lot less and they'll return to their own routine, while I was going back to doing my own thing.
I felt that my first quarter in college turned my world upside down -- I did so poorly, and to have such a great second quarter in college to turn my world right-side up meant so much to me that I sent short thank you notes to my teachers who helped me get there. In particular, the teacher that helped me improve from a 3.4 to a 3.7 in a class I needed for my major:
Teacher's Name,
Thank you for your generous help this quarter. I truly appreciate your willingness to work with my final project as well as your clear and detailed explanations to every single one of my other concerns; In the end it was a direct reason for why I was able to improve and exceed my goal for this class!
Thanks again,
My Name
I felt a little more in control with my direction, however, I would soon had to regret showing appreciation for others because I could not back it up socially and everything ended up being so awkward because of it.
My last quarter in college really messed me up and made me mentally and physically sick to the point where I literally could not move and could not get anything done. I saw my classmate from last quarter once and we only exchange "Hi's" before walking by each other. I have never seen him again. I should said something more. My grad teacher from last quarter taught classes right next to a class I had this quarter and, even though we knew each other, I could not muster up the courage to say a single word. I got so nervous that I completely ignored my former teacher multiple times in the halls. Even though she was talking to other students, I know that she knew that I saw her and I didn't even stop to say "Hi." The last time she slowed down, gave me a emotionless expression and gave me a death stare; I don't know if she was waiting for me to say something or not, but all I did was shift my eyes and she walked away. Was it the thank you note I sent? Did she think I am a bad person? Must have been because I've ignored her so many times ... In an attempt to be less awkward and not bother her (since she's teaching a class) I was awkward and I bothered her, a lot. Sure, there's an excuse for not having a conversation, but there's no excuse to not at least acknowledge a old teacher. In the heat of the moment, I just didn't feel comfortable saying something first. It was like seeing all that hope, comfort and support from last quarter walk away from me. I hope she knows I didn't mean to, but I just can't stop thinking about how stupid I was to not say anything and I probably hurt her feelings, too. I hope they know that I didn't ignore them because I didn't like them, but I'll never know. Even though I improved from a 3.23 GPA to a 3.30 GPA this quarter, I felt empty inside. Grades didn't matter to me anymore because I had no one, again, and I didn't do anything about it. I had multiple opportunities to do something about it, but blew every one. I'd seriously cry myself to sleep some nights because I came from having no one, to having someone and again having no one at all.
Ahh, I don't like bothering people and being awkward and scaring people with my blank stare that makes them think that I'm upset or mad at something when I'm just nervous. So here I am, it's summer, I haven't done anything, and I'm still thinking about what could I have done instead. No matter how hard I try, I can't get it out of my head. What happened? It hurts. It hurts that because I am so tentative around other people it makes other people nervous and in-turn I ignore people and that hurts their feelings, which hurt mine. And I don't know if other people know how difficult it is -- even I don't believe it sometimes. But, when I'm in that situation, my whole mind shuts down and becomes foggy and even though I promise myself to say something to someone, I didn't. It's a never ending circle. It's truly a really dumb thing to think about and I'm sure they moved on maybe after a day or two at most, but I can't move on because I have no one else to turn to. I am completely alone, once again. But the good news is that my experience in college has put me in a psychologist's chair and I've been diagnosed with Social Phobia, a problem that has been building for 16 years.I have not a single friend at school through Middle and High School. I played tennis and that was the only social event I was involved in and the only thing that kept me from being completely isolated. The people on the team realized that I was not mean, upset, or mad at anyone even though I was emotionless and didn't say a word. Whenever they talk to me it'd go well, but that rarely happened because I never started any conversation.
I realized in college that I cannot do this by myself anymore. Since I am a first generation college student and oldest child in the family of immigrant students, plus the fact that I was not prepared for the rigor of college courses, out of everyone in college I'm the type of student that needed a group, a network, anybody to help me up because no one has gone before me. I was too ambitious and took classes that were not right for me. Now, I was not only alone, but I was lost and for the first time in my life my hard work failed to get me good grades in college and I ended with a 2.60 GPA that quarter. Heading into my second quarter, I was on the fringe -- actually thinking about dropping out because I was completely alone and had bad grades. Everyone was having fun and at the same time doing well in academics, while I was working my tail off and not getting any results.
I thought things were getting better during my second quarter in college as I was lucky enough to have a classmate that had two out of my three classes that I could talk to without getting too anxious. The most important thing I realized today is that I approached first. When I did that he quickly realized that I was a nice enough person to come back and talk to. In this situation it was easier because he didn't know my background of being shy and anxious. Onward, it was sometimes awkward because after that I started slipping into that avoidance problem I've had and the only times I'd have nice conversations was if he approached me first. Furthermore, for the the first time in college I was lucky enough to have a nice grad student teacher for a class I needed for my major. I never talk in class or ask anyone for help because I always get anxious, but when I actually was brave enough to go to office hours for help, I realized that the teacher was very approachable and I didn't feel threatened. It was really funny, to me at least, because at first I bet she thought I was upset because I had a emotionless expression and I had brought in my midterm that I scored the average on. I must have look very intimidating because I'm the guy who had the same emotionless (almost upset looking) expression that didn't say a word in class and I could tell by her stiff body language and wide eyes that she was bracing herself for me to complain about my low grades on the midterm. However, after I started talking and after the conversation with her I think it clicked that I wasn't a upset student looking for revenge, but a student willing to improve; continuing to strive for that for a goal. Now thinking about it, it's amazing how her view of me, as a student, changed from where I first got to talk to her. I still didn't talk in class, but when students were going picking up their graded quizzes the teacher came up to me, still a little bit nervous, remembered my name and handed me my quiz. It was nothing, but it was a nice feeling that a teacher knows my name, given that I've been in classes where teacher's didn't even know I was there until the end of the class. I remembered that even though my class rated her pretty badly on the end of quarter evaluation, she realized that I was worth going the extra step to help and I felt that she was nice and not threatening at all to go to Office Hours to help with my end of quarter extra credit project. It was weird because the next time I went to Office Hours she acted like we had been best friends for decades now; wide smile and almost excited to see me. Even though it probably doesn't mean much to anyone else, it meant so much to me that I had a teacher who understood that I was a hard worker and not this stuck-up like a few others before had done and completely ignored me. In the end, I improved from a 3.4 to a 3.7 GPA in that class. My GPA went up from a 2.60 GPA to a 3.23 GPA at the end of the quarter. Even though it was mainly because of two people, it was light-years better than having zero people in college. I felt hope. I felt that I mattered. I felt that people noticed that I was there. I felt that I was college material. I felt that I had others who I can turn to for help. But most importantly I was not alone anymore, so it probably won't surprise you that I was very sad to see the quarter end because I'll be seeing them a lot less and they'll return to their own routine, while I was going back to doing my own thing.
I felt that my first quarter in college turned my world upside down -- I did so poorly, and to have such a great second quarter in college to turn my world right-side up meant so much to me that I sent short thank you notes to my teachers who helped me get there. In particular, the teacher that helped me improve from a 3.4 to a 3.7 in a class I needed for my major:
Teacher's Name,
Thank you for your generous help this quarter. I truly appreciate your willingness to work with my final project as well as your clear and detailed explanations to every single one of my other concerns; In the end it was a direct reason for why I was able to improve and exceed my goal for this class!
Thanks again,
My Name
I felt a little more in control with my direction, however, I would soon had to regret showing appreciation for others because I could not back it up socially and everything ended up being so awkward because of it.
My last quarter in college really messed me up and made me mentally and physically sick to the point where I literally could not move and could not get anything done. I saw my classmate from last quarter once and we only exchange "Hi's" before walking by each other. I have never seen him again. I should said something more. My grad teacher from last quarter taught classes right next to a class I had this quarter and, even though we knew each other, I could not muster up the courage to say a single word. I got so nervous that I completely ignored my former teacher multiple times in the halls. Even though she was talking to other students, I know that she knew that I saw her and I didn't even stop to say "Hi." The last time she slowed down, gave me a emotionless expression and gave me a death stare; I don't know if she was waiting for me to say something or not, but all I did was shift my eyes and she walked away. Was it the thank you note I sent? Did she think I am a bad person? Must have been because I've ignored her so many times ... In an attempt to be less awkward and not bother her (since she's teaching a class) I was awkward and I bothered her, a lot. Sure, there's an excuse for not having a conversation, but there's no excuse to not at least acknowledge a old teacher. In the heat of the moment, I just didn't feel comfortable saying something first. It was like seeing all that hope, comfort and support from last quarter walk away from me. I hope she knows I didn't mean to, but I just can't stop thinking about how stupid I was to not say anything and I probably hurt her feelings, too. I hope they know that I didn't ignore them because I didn't like them, but I'll never know. Even though I improved from a 3.23 GPA to a 3.30 GPA this quarter, I felt empty inside. Grades didn't matter to me anymore because I had no one, again, and I didn't do anything about it. I had multiple opportunities to do something about it, but blew every one. I'd seriously cry myself to sleep some nights because I came from having no one, to having someone and again having no one at all.
Ahh, I don't like bothering people and being awkward and scaring people with my blank stare that makes them think that I'm upset or mad at something when I'm just nervous. So here I am, it's summer, I haven't done anything, and I'm still thinking about what could I have done instead. No matter how hard I try, I can't get it out of my head. What happened? It hurts. It hurts that because I am so tentative around other people it makes other people nervous and in-turn I ignore people and that hurts their feelings, which hurt mine. And I don't know if other people know how difficult it is -- even I don't believe it sometimes. But, when I'm in that situation, my whole mind shuts down and becomes foggy and even though I promise myself to say something to someone, I didn't. It's a never ending circle. It's truly a really dumb thing to think about and I'm sure they moved on maybe after a day or two at most, but I can't move on because I have no one else to turn to. I am completely alone, once again. But the good news is that my experience in college has put me in a psychologist's chair and I've been diagnosed with Social Phobia, a problem that has been building for 16 years.
