My situation - Advice?

[AsTimeBurns]

Right, the situation in a nutshell is this:

I'm a very quiet person, very shy and find it hard to make friends and hold conversations with people usually.

Apparently when I was younger I was quite outgoing, but as I grew older I became quieter.

Now, I'm pretty sure I know the reasons for this. It's partly because I was bullied a reasonable amount at school, for things like appearance and name, etc... so that made me lose quite a bit of confidence and withdraw a bit. Partly because I developed a small medical problem towards the end of school which affected my appearance and made me want to stay home a lot, so I didn't go out much. Partly because I'm just naturally shy. And partly for a reason I'll come onto shortly.

Now, my mother has got it in her head that I have aspergers syndrome, and keeps suggesting it and sends me emails and things about it, etc... But the thing is, I think this is largely down to her as well.

Basically since I was about 12/13ish (early 20s now) whenever I have been talking to her and try to make, say, a lighthearted joke at - not even always at her expense - sometimes just a joke or a comment, or am just talking perfectly normally sometimes, saying such generic things like "ok", she gets it in her head that I'm bring rude. Every little thing she takes as an insult at her, she hears me talking with a "tone" when I'm just talking in my normal voice. This has gone for for so long that I think in the end I started to believe it, I started to think I was rude and I shouldn't talk to people the way I do, but because I was just talking normally or making little jokes, the only way to fix it was to not talk at all.

I'm not the only one who sees this, my dad gets accused by her of being rude or insulting her or insinuating something when there is absolutely nothing there - not as much as me though I don't think - , but she just doesn't see it. She genuinely thinks people are always trying to be rude to her and I don't know why.

Anyway, I just don't know whether to tell her this or not. Because she does care, she keeps trying to suggest ways & things to help me become more social, but she doesn't understand that a major part of the problem is this...almost paranoia of hers.

I'm living at home again now until I get earn enough money probably next year to rent somewhere, so it's happening quite a bit again and I just get so exasperated with constantly being accused of being rude and insulting, that in the end it leads to me being rude because I get so sick of it, which just backs up her opinion and makes it worse. I try to ignore it and just walk away when she starts accusing me, but it's very difficult. I admit sometimes I can be rude, I'm not perfect, and I expect I was quite a lot when I was 13/14 and growing up, but now I'm just trying to have conversations or make a joke or something..

Thing is, if i point this all out to her, she'll either get very upset, or assume I'm just trying to blame her. Or more likely both. But i can't see myself ever becoming better at these social situations without her stopping these constant accusations, because it's become embedded in my mind now, so I just cannot talk to people nowadays.


That turned out to be a rather long nutshell, but...thoughts?

 

[A86]

Errie.

I immediate thoughts is that our mums must know each other haha.

I dont hate my mum, but she doesnt bring the best out in me. Living independantly seems to be the key.

 

[AsTimeBurns]

Anyone else?

 

[Clark Kent]

Well i can try

It sounds like a pretty complicated situasion. From the way you describe yourself you do not seem like a "rude" type of person, if you do not aim to be rude you aren`t really rude. But it can be hard to logically distance yourself from other peoples views of your actions, and especially close family members. It is easy to just take in what other people think without using a filter and asking yourself; was what i said really rude? what did I mean by it?

From what you describe it seems that the problem in this instance lies with your mother herself, since she also seems to think that other people are often rude to her. You know best what you meant by what you said...remember that

Your mother probably wants what is best you...but parents can often end up adding to the pressure I am sure you already put on yourself to get better.

The most important thing in the end is to be able to live your life like you want to live it...and with the people you want to live it with. You do not have to please or be friends with everybody! It may take time...but it is important to take one step at the time and be patient with yourself

 

[burdeninyourhands]

Best advice is obviously move out, a relationship held from a far will be more tolerable. Your mom seems like she gets tlc and attention from behaving ultra sensitive around you. You might want to ask her (slowly, don't bombard her she might feel its "rude") about her past. She may not have had control over what comments were made to her so she wants full control from her offspring. Not everyone can have a fun joking relationship with a parent eventhough we might think its ideal. She's also from a different era of course people weren't so verbal with their children back then like they are now a days. Be happy your able to have a atleast functional relationship with her. Be extra sweet and grateful, bite your tongue and roll with the punches. I lost my mom when I was 5 I would do anything to have a relationship with her. Your mom must not be that bad or angered by you if she's letting you a man in his 20s live with her. Be grateful!

 

[Dead_on_Arrival]

Since you were 12/13 ish. Have you thought that the 'tone' could just be the fact that you went through puberty and you voice deepened as it does.

Just a thought.

 

[dead24]

Every little thing she takes as an insult at her, she hears me talking with a "tone" when I'm just talking in my normal voice. This has gone for for so long that I think in the end I started to believe it, I started to think I was rude and I shouldn't talk to people the way I do, but because I was just talking normally or making little jokes, the only way to fix it was to not talk at all.

im like this not with my mom but with almost everyone I meet. They always think im rude when im just speaking with my normal voice.

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

don't tell her straight up how she's making you feel. next time she brings something up, explain to her nicely that you are able to handle your problems on your own, but thank her for her advice and that you know she is just trying to help. say it like that, so you make your point clear that you don't want her involved and pushing you to anything, but without offending her or being "rude".

 

[Seri]

If you feel comfortable with it I'd suggest talking to your dad about how you think she could be one of the contributing factors to your problems. Because he also experiences her behaviour, and at least then you'll have told someone.

As for your mother herself... That's a tricky situation. Obviously moving out seems like the best solution, but since you can't do that yet it isn't very helpful. As you mentioned, telling her outright will likely lead to her flipping out and over reacting.

I guess you can try to ignore her as best you can while you're still living under the same roof as her, perhaps mentally remind yourself that you're not being rude, she's the problem. Try your best not to let it get to you.

Another way that may or may not work is to just stop talking to her every time she interrupts you and says you're being rude. Just completely stop talking and walk away to do something else, if she follows you ignore her and refuse to speak until later when she has settled herself down. She may or may not get the point (I did the same thing with my mother when I was growing up except I would stop talking to her for hours or days, since she knew what I was doing and was aware of her own problems she absolutely hated me doing this and would end up apologizing. As for how much worth you can put in an apology when the person is going to go and keep doing the same thing again afterwards, that's up to you).

The third way is to outright confront her about her behaviour next time she does it. Question her and ask her how what you said was rude. Maybe turn it back on her and ask if interrupting people and accusing them of being rude all the time can also be considered rude? This will likely result in an argument and again there is no guarantee that she will stop and think enough to want to change her behaviour. I'm guessing you also don't want to rile her up too much since you still have to live at home at the moment.

In the end, you know the situation best and are therefore in the best position to figure out what you want to do. Either way I hope you it turns out better than it is now for you

 

[AsTimeBurns]

thanks.

0- -

 

[Timz]

I love my mum but she has a habit that when I tell a story or something that has happened she seems to have a look of impatience, and this makes me very nervous, and has affected me socially in that i am VERY fearful of that social custom where people all tell stories of what hapopened in the day etc etc---I just freak, and then when they have all done it I have felt like this totally foolish quiet person and i feel I am in the wall totally isolated, and I sense they KNOW what i am feeling, and god forbid someone should mouth 'you alright?' with a concerned expression. That makes me feel like SO helpess--like a litte kid in adult company type of thing. So that is an experience i can share with you where maybe my mums attaude has caused or excacerbated this social isolation. Another factor is that i HATED school and couldn't click with the other kids--right from the beginning.
Now is funny when you mention TONE, but cause only fairly recently I learnt that tone is more important than what you say. So I have really tried to employ this in my life in relationship and it definately works!
I am sure if you are paying attention that you must be being careful with tone and yet your mum still interpets it wrong. that is a tough one. I would tell her straight how you feel. How it adds to your sense of social difficulties. She is the adult and should listen to you. If not then get the hell out, but keep in touch of course. ALSO if you found it hard to talk to her you could write a letter and then she will read it with HER tone.