my relationship with my brother

[jschuley]

Today I called my grandma's house and talked to her briefly, as she was busy watching my four year old cousin, then she handed the phone to my brother.

He is one year younger than I am--23. We grew up in an abusive home, my father calling us both names and throwing things at us, hitting my mom, my mom throwing dishes at my dad, I remember crying myself to sleep at night when I was four years old praying that god would help my parents to stop fighting. Anyway, I am pretty sure my brother has anti-social personality disorder, and he made my life miserable when we were growing up. After my parents divorced when I was sixteen, he took over the role dad had occupied being emotionally and verbally abusive to me, violating my privacy, damaging my property, and bringing friends over on occasion in front of whom to humiliate me.

Still, I love my brother and after we left our teenage years, all that changed. He has acknowledged he treated me badly, and has treated me much better. We have hung out together when neither of us had any other friends, driving to walmart in the middle of the night and listening to love line on the radio, hanging out with our cousins and getting drunk, and going out to eat and such. We did this because we were both out of highschool and living at our grandma's house. Today, he still lives at my grandma's house and I have moved in with my best friend--the only person who I have ever been totally comfortable around besides my mom and grandma.

So now my brother and I have grown apart again, and he treated me like shit today on the phone. He treated me like he had no desire to talk to me, like I have no worth and no value, he was very short with me, and he abruptly said "bye" after like two minutes when I was in the middle of making a point. I paused for a minute, shocked at his rudeness, and said, "bye." At which point he said, "what are you doing," really quickly. It was obvious that he regretted being rude like that and wanted to continue the conversation. But I said, "nothing," and hung up. Fuck him. I don't deserve to be treated like that. It's like I am out of sight out of mind for him. My license is suspended right now, and I'm not around to take him out to eat or drive him to walmart or our cousin's house or lend him money for weed, and so he has no use for me.

But because he treats me like that, it makes me feel like I am without worth, like I'm boring, or annoying. And I am aware that I do not deserve to be treated poorly, I am aware that I am a worthwhile person--I am smart, funny, kind, and generous. But, I don't always allow these qualities to show, as I am often frozen and trapped inside myself in new social situations. And I just hate myself so much, and I am down on myself all the time, thinking about things that are wrong with me, and it doesn't help me to be treated like that. My brother knows about my social anxiety because we've been up all night talking before and it has come up, also he's had to hear me ask if I made our cousin's boyfriend uncomfortable time and again when we've left our cousin's house. And he's been fine with it, but again, that was back when I was doing things for him.

I just hate to be treated like that, especially after I thought we had gotten past those awful teenage years and we were kind of friends. But I do not need him in my life--I won't let him walk all over me. Fuck him.

Does anyone else have an abusive family background or a similar situation with a sibling? How can we assert our worth to ourselves if those around us tear us down?

 

[recluse]

I'm sorry to hear that you have been treated that way.

My mother used to beat up me and my sister for even laughing....We would be laughing at a funny film o'r something and my mother would think that we would be laughing at her! My sister got beaten the worst though. On many occasions my mother would wave a knife and scream at us to be quiet....We were only being kids for gods sake!

My mother would start an argument with my dad about anything. To this day she accuses my dad of having affairs, it's been bad recently because my dad had to away last week for four days on training with his work, and my mother keeps asking him questions. What's the use of being in a relationship/marriage when there's no trust?

Often when i am talking to my dad when my mother has left the room she storms in and asks what we were talking about, and what we were saying about her.

On 0ne occasion when me an my sister were kids she took out a pack of paracetemol and threatened to take them all....In front of us!

I am convinced that my mother is bipolar as one minute she's the most loving, caring person then she turns to a paranoid monster.

There's no wonder that i have turned out the way i am, because we had to surpress our personalities so much i have become introverted and often afraid to show my emotions. This is the reason i am afraid to have kids of my own, in case i would turn out like my mother.

 

[miss_amy]

I think when we are in times of stres or just a general bad mood we often lash out at those that are closest to us. I know I do and I know my friends and close family do too.

I think how you view your brothers thoughts about you now could possibly be just in your mind. Maybe he has similar thoughts about you. You should give time for the mood to blow over then try and talk to him about it

And yes I grew up in an abusive home. I have a twin sister. She used to beat me up when we were kids, I think sibling stuff like that is normal..I see it in my own kids and we're not an abusive home. As Ive get older the relationship with my sis had def changed. We live a good few hrs apart now but we get on just fine.