goodguys9
Member
I've known that I have OCD symptoms for many years. I want to give you all a little history of my past few years so you can understand me better. I feel it's only fair. I'm sure that this post could go in the depression section, but since I have OCD too I'm placing it hear. I'm glad there are places like this we can all come to.
In December I was living in Florida & was in in a job I loved and was getting awesome grades in college. My family moved to a small town in North Dakota where I couldn't study film or find a job I liked.
My mom recently divorced from her second bad marriage and it has been really hard on my two younger siblings. My real father was bi-polar/abusive and our stepfather was young and immature. He didn't want anything to do with us. We don't have any friends or family here. We also don't have family anywhere else in the world either. We're short on money and scared. My mom kinda had a break down and doesn't show much interest in me or my siblings anymore.
My siblings and I do not have cars and we only have part time jobs. We either have our mom drive us to work or we take a bus. We're losing our house in a month and a half. I'm trying to join the military both because I always wanted to and because I have no where else to go. I also have OCD and am plagued with intrusive thoughts that annoy me. I don't have anyone to talk to and I feel like I am going crazy. I miss my best friend who lives in another state and that makes me feel sick especially since she is going through atough time.
I'm not a bad person though. I've never been in any trouble and people like me. I'm very dependable. I always do good at work and get promoted for it. I mostly get A's when I'm in school and teachers tell me how much they enjoy my work.
I've just had a bad life the last 4 years. I started cutting myself last week to try to direct the pain somewhere else. It's not working. I feel bad for my mom and what she has gone through. I just don't know what to do anymore. One of the reasons my mom has had a hard time is because I begged her to make choices that would have helped her. She didn't listen and now some things are way out of hand years later. She won't listen to me now. She says I'm combative. I say that I only want to see her make right choices because I care about her. She says that she understands and then later that day she comes against me again. she doesn't want my help.
I think about killing myself every day. I know it's wrong but I can't go on anymore like this. I like sleeping because it's the only time the pain is gone. Sometimes I'll go somewhere and just cry. It's embarassing for a guy I know. I'd do anything to just erase the past year from my mind and get some help.
I've talked to church counselors before but it's hard talking to someone you don't know much. I got some help at work today through a counseling place they contracted with. I have another phone appointment on Sunday. I was also recommended St. John's Wort and started taking it today. It did seem to help me relax a little. I'm not sure if I should even be feeling the affects of it yet. I might just be all in my head because I got some help today.
As for my OCD, I used to wash my hands all the time as a kid. Later on, my dad once told me gasoline melts anything. I had a cup of gasoline fall in my eyes when I was little too. that of course made it worse. I knew it was stupid, but couldn't get over it. I know in another post someone said they used to be excessive about keeping their CDs new and organized. I have been very obsessive about that too.
My OCD today focuses on a barrage of thoughts focusing on certain people or bad situations. I'm not talking about family or girls. I'm talking about people at work. Sometimes they are ones that gave me a hard time, or sometimes it's about people who were very nice to me. It's just annoying. Everything I do whether I'm getting dressed or watching a movie I'm bombarded with thoughts about them. It's often about people I will likely never see again. Sometime I remember things that have happened in my life, but the roles are reanacted by those people. This does not happen to me with people I am friends with and never has happened with people I went to college with.
My mom told me that those people aren't thinking about me and by me concentrating on them I am giving someone my life who doesn't care. I know this might be a new issue nobody has heard here before. it makes my life miserable. I'm afraid telling anyone about it for fear they'll have me admitted to an asylum or something. Also, I don't want to sit around and talk about it when I spend my entire day trying to ignore it.
I try to replace the silly thoughts with pleasant one like future plans or people I enjoy being around. It's not like I hate people. I'm just tired of it. Sometimes I can't even just sit down and play a game because it's so distracting. I function fine at school and work because it's almost a thing that tries to make me unhappy when I'm trying to relax or have fun. I have been able to surpress it during happy times in my life. This past year as stated above though has been the worst ever.
I'm sorry my first post is so long. I also hope you guys don't think I'm psycho or anything. When I found this site I thought it looked like a safe place to share my darkest secret. I thank you all for reading and look forward to your posts.
-Corey
In December I was living in Florida & was in in a job I loved and was getting awesome grades in college. My family moved to a small town in North Dakota where I couldn't study film or find a job I liked.
My mom recently divorced from her second bad marriage and it has been really hard on my two younger siblings. My real father was bi-polar/abusive and our stepfather was young and immature. He didn't want anything to do with us. We don't have any friends or family here. We also don't have family anywhere else in the world either. We're short on money and scared. My mom kinda had a break down and doesn't show much interest in me or my siblings anymore.
My siblings and I do not have cars and we only have part time jobs. We either have our mom drive us to work or we take a bus. We're losing our house in a month and a half. I'm trying to join the military both because I always wanted to and because I have no where else to go. I also have OCD and am plagued with intrusive thoughts that annoy me. I don't have anyone to talk to and I feel like I am going crazy. I miss my best friend who lives in another state and that makes me feel sick especially since she is going through atough time.
I'm not a bad person though. I've never been in any trouble and people like me. I'm very dependable. I always do good at work and get promoted for it. I mostly get A's when I'm in school and teachers tell me how much they enjoy my work.
I've just had a bad life the last 4 years. I started cutting myself last week to try to direct the pain somewhere else. It's not working. I feel bad for my mom and what she has gone through. I just don't know what to do anymore. One of the reasons my mom has had a hard time is because I begged her to make choices that would have helped her. She didn't listen and now some things are way out of hand years later. She won't listen to me now. She says I'm combative. I say that I only want to see her make right choices because I care about her. She says that she understands and then later that day she comes against me again. she doesn't want my help.
I think about killing myself every day. I know it's wrong but I can't go on anymore like this. I like sleeping because it's the only time the pain is gone. Sometimes I'll go somewhere and just cry. It's embarassing for a guy I know. I'd do anything to just erase the past year from my mind and get some help.
I've talked to church counselors before but it's hard talking to someone you don't know much. I got some help at work today through a counseling place they contracted with. I have another phone appointment on Sunday. I was also recommended St. John's Wort and started taking it today. It did seem to help me relax a little. I'm not sure if I should even be feeling the affects of it yet. I might just be all in my head because I got some help today.
As for my OCD, I used to wash my hands all the time as a kid. Later on, my dad once told me gasoline melts anything. I had a cup of gasoline fall in my eyes when I was little too. that of course made it worse. I knew it was stupid, but couldn't get over it. I know in another post someone said they used to be excessive about keeping their CDs new and organized. I have been very obsessive about that too.
My OCD today focuses on a barrage of thoughts focusing on certain people or bad situations. I'm not talking about family or girls. I'm talking about people at work. Sometimes they are ones that gave me a hard time, or sometimes it's about people who were very nice to me. It's just annoying. Everything I do whether I'm getting dressed or watching a movie I'm bombarded with thoughts about them. It's often about people I will likely never see again. Sometime I remember things that have happened in my life, but the roles are reanacted by those people. This does not happen to me with people I am friends with and never has happened with people I went to college with.
My mom told me that those people aren't thinking about me and by me concentrating on them I am giving someone my life who doesn't care. I know this might be a new issue nobody has heard here before. it makes my life miserable. I'm afraid telling anyone about it for fear they'll have me admitted to an asylum or something. Also, I don't want to sit around and talk about it when I spend my entire day trying to ignore it.
I try to replace the silly thoughts with pleasant one like future plans or people I enjoy being around. It's not like I hate people. I'm just tired of it. Sometimes I can't even just sit down and play a game because it's so distracting. I function fine at school and work because it's almost a thing that tries to make me unhappy when I'm trying to relax or have fun. I have been able to surpress it during happy times in my life. This past year as stated above though has been the worst ever.
I'm sorry my first post is so long. I also hope you guys don't think I'm psycho or anything. When I found this site I thought it looked like a safe place to share my darkest secret. I thank you all for reading and look forward to your posts.
-Corey
